Джером Биксби: The Man From Earth

(holding up a pen)

Would you still have this? What would cause you to keep it? As a memento to your beginnings, even if you didn’t have the concept of beginnings? It would be gone, lost. No. I don’t have artifacts.

(tosses the pen to Harry)

(to Dan) Keep that.

DAN: Interesting. You could have lied about that.

JOHN: Don’t talk about me while I’m gone.

John and Sandy load a few boxes. Sandy pauses

SANDY: I love you, you know.

Soft music.

JOHN: I know.

SANDY: Since my first week at the office…And?

JOHN: I care very much about you, but now you know what you’d be getting into.

SANDY: Do you really think you’re a caveman?

JOHN: Do you?

SANDY: Could you love me, or don’t you believe in that anymore?

JOHN: I’ve gotten over it too many times. Fond of you… Certainly attracted to you.

Sandy giggles.

SANDY: That’s it?… I can work with that.

JOHN: If what I’m saying is true, you and any children will age. I won’t. And one day I’ll leave.

SANDY: You’ll go back to your May-December romances.

JOHN: The simple fact is that I can’t give you forever.

SANDY: How long’s forever? Who ever really has it? My parents split up before I was born, and then my mom’s next marriage lasted what, a whole three years?

Then there’s death, illness, acts of god…no one knows how long they have. Or how little. I love you. Take whatever you can get.

JOHN: Like ten years?

DAN: Is he serious?

Art walks over to the phone.

EDITH: If he is, I’m sorry to say he’s… Oh, how could he have concealed that for ten years?

HARRY: At least he doesn’t appear to be dangerous.

DAN: What are you doing?

HARRY: Checkin’ for a hidden mic. Candid Camera.

Art is on the phone to one side.

ART: He’s fabricating these wild stories. I’ve never seen him acting like this. Oh, it’s crazy.

Alright. Alright, a-as soon as you can, then.

As John enters the room, Harry jumps him, yelling.

HARRY: Ah! Ha ha ha!

John expertly counters, and pushes him to the floor.

HARRY: Uhn! Jeez! Oh.

JOHN: Why did you do that?

HARRY: I wanted to see how fast you were. Check your reflexes.

JOHN: I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, I can’t hear a flea walking, I am not in any way superman.

HARRY: Yeah. Well, I’m a second-degree black belt.

JOHN: Give it another thousand years. (Gives him a hand)

HARRY: Well. I got it, I got it, I got it.

(Struggling to his feet)

Oh. Jesus.

DAN: Smooth demonstration, Harry.

HARRY: Sit on it, Dan.

LINDA: I still have questions.

ART: Ya, I–I do too, John. I mean, a-a-are we done with prehistory yet? Remember any of your original language?

JOHN: A little. One thing hasn’t changed much…

(wolf whistles towards Sandy, causing her to blush)

LINDA: Did you ever do any cave Art?

JOHN: Do you know the rock Art at Les Eyzies?

LINDA: Mm-hmm?

JOHN: It was the work of a man named… Giraud. He did a pretty good job. He would draw the animals that we hoped to find to eat. One day after a fruitless hunt, our chief stomped his teeth out because his magic had failed him. After that, someone had to chew his food for him. Finally, he got— I suspect— An infected jaw, and he was abandoned.

EDITH: That’s awful.

JOHN: You have to know what to kill.

LINDA: Is this why all your students say your knowledge of history is…so amazing?

JOHN: No, that’s mostly based on study. Remember, it’s one man, one place at a time, my solitary viewpoint of a world I knew almost nothing about.

DAN: Well, let’s talk about what you say you do know about— Historical times.

EDITH: Don’t encourage him.

DAN: Edith.

JOHN: Next few thousand years, it got warmer.

ART: A few thousand years— See, now, I know you’re guessing.

JOHN: You can’t get there from here, Art.

ART: Well then, pray, continue.

JOHN: We hunted reindeer, mammoths—

ART:…Bison, horses. The game retreated northward as the climate changed, you got the idea of growing food rather than gathering it, raising animals rather than hunting them. Am— Am I— Am I getting warm, here? I bet I am. Lakeside living becomes commonplace! Fishing, fowling— Come on! John, this is out of any textbook.

JOHN: Even yours. You got most of it right. Eventually I headed to the East. I’d grown curious about the world. I’d gotten the hang of going it alone, learning how to fit in when I wanted to.

DAN: East. Towards the rising sun?

JOHN: Yes. I thought it might be warmer there. That’s when I saw an ocean. The Mediterranean, probably. It was around the beginning of the Bronze Age, so I followed the trade routes from the East. Copper. Tin. Learning languages as I went. Everywhere, creation myths, new gods, so many, so different. I finally realized that it was…probably all hogwash.

So I was Sumerian for 2,000 years, then finally Babylonian under Hammurabi. Great man. And I sailed as a Phoenician for a time. See, moving on had been easier as a Hunter- Gatherer…difficult when villages emerged. Tougher still in city states where authority was centralized. Strangers were suspect. It seemed as though I was always moving on.

I learned some new tricks— even faked my death a couple of times.

I continued east to India, luckily at the time of Gautama Buddha.

ART: Luckily.

JOHN: Most extraordinary man I’ve ever known. He taught me things I’d never thought about before.

HARRY: You studied… with the Buddha?

JOHN: Until he died. He knew there was something different about me. I never told him.

DAN: This is fascinating. I almost wish it were true.

ART: Y-y-y-eah, if it was true, why are you telling us? I mean, we might leave here today, we’ll go out there, tell everybody!

JOHN: It would vanish in disbelief. A story that goes around the room. No credibility. Even if I could make you believe me, in a month, you wouldn’t. Some of you would call me a psychopath, others would be angry at a pointless joke.

ART: Well John, Some of us are angry now.

JOHN: This— This was a bad idea. Uh, I love you all, and I do not want to put you through anything.

EDITH: Then why are you doing it?

JOHN: ‘Cause I wanted to say goodbye—

EDITH:…As yourself. I think you’ve done that, whoever that self is.

DAN: Easy, Edith. We’re just grading his homework.

ART: I see what’s going on. You’re playing the good cop, Dan. That’s fine. Just enjoy it. All right, I think this whole thing is just a crock! I should leave, but I’m gonna stay. You know why? ‘Cause I wanna see what this is all about.

EDITH: So do I. What is this all about?

ART: Well, let’s ask Dr. Freud, who’s just arrived. Hey, Will! Will!

WILL: Art. Hey. John! I’m glad I caught you. Someone mentioned that you were leaving today—

JOHN: Called you, told you that I’ve lost it. Glad you’re here. Things are going in unexpected directions.

WILL: Yes, so I hear.

SANDY: Hi. Are you hungry?

WILL: Uh, thank you, no.

HARRY: Whiskey? Johnny Walker green!

WILL: Ohhh, yes! (he chaperones the party to the seating) You look very familiar, my dear.

LINDA: Linda Murphy. I’m in your Tuesday Psych 1 class, Dr. Gruber.

WILL: Ah, well, this lesson may be something I could not have imagined. I regret being so…obvious about this, John, but these people are all very concerned for you.

JOHN: Yes, I’m cutting out paper dinosaurs.