Джером Биксби - The Man From Earth

EDITH: You could have just told me.

JOHN: You commented that I never age. You gave me the book on early man. Dan, you spotted the burin and you said, "If stones could speak."

DAN: I knew it.

JOHN: I got the notion, I ran it past you to check your reactions, and I took it too far.

DAN: Too far? Check my reaction?

JOHN: You asked if I was a figure from religious history, if there were others like me, if I’d created future identities. We were chasing our tails around the maypole, enjoying the mystery, the analytical stretch. You were playing my game! I was playing yours.

DAN: Oh, man, you know, you had us going, right? You were good, man. You know those Chinese boxes, one, inside the other, inside the other, inside the other— I feel like I’m in the— I’m in the— I’m in the last box. You son of a… (pause) BITCH! How could you do this to us?

EDITH: (angrily) I was worried about you.

JOHN: I know, I was tempted to cop out many times, but I couldn’t resist seeing whether or not you could refute what I was saying. I had the perfect audience— anthropologist, archaeologist, Christian literalist… A psychologist.

ART: Okay, I’ve had enough of this. I’m outta here. You wanna come? Let’s go.

HARRY: So, John. Are you gonna write the story?

JOHN: If I do, I’ll send you copies.

ART: Don’t bother with mine, okay? You are absolutely certifiable. I don’t know you! (storms out)

LINDA: It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Oldman. …Your name’s a pun, isn’t it? Old man? Did that help you with your story?

ART: (calling out) Linda!

LINDA: (waves nervously, smiling) Bye.

JOHN: Well, Art was half right.

HARRY: (sniggers) Which half?

…Well, at least I don’t have to throw away half of what I know about biology.

DAN: Which half? It’s a beautiful idea, so rich, so full of possibilities.

JOHN: (to Will) Perhaps you should write a paper on it, Doctor.

WILL: Maybe I will. I’ll interview you in the rubber room for further details. You may still need help, my friend.

John grabs a bag and heads out. Sandy scrambles to her feet and rushes after him.

SANDY: My ass.

JOHN: I thought it sounded pretty good.

SANDY: They believe you because they have to. But the one thing that I know about you is that you would never use people or abuse their goodwill and intelligence like they think you’ve just done to them.

JOHN: Psych 101?

SANDY: No, it’s Woman, one-on-one. So you’re a pretty fast liar, Mr. Ugg, but I wanna know— What’s your real name?

JOHN: Believe it or not, the sound was always John.

SANDY: Why’d you cave to Gruber?

JOHN: What happened was enough. Just— Just needed to stop. I—I shouldn’t have expected it to work.

SANDY: Fourteen thousand years old. I bet that’s a lot of women.

JOHN: Oh, are we counting?

SANDY: Maybe.

HARRY: (coming out, Edith following) Well, I’m taking Edith home. Sandy?

SANDY: I’m gonna stay.

EDITH: (surveying John)…Are you sorry for some of those things you said?

JOHN: I’m sorry I said them.

EDITH: Well. Like a good Christian, I….. Oh, John. (hugs John, he lifts her up giving her a tight hug) Oh! Well, you did a terrible thing, but we’re all so thankful you’re all right. Even Art— He just hates things he can’t understand.

HARRY: You’re a sadist, John, but I admit I got a kick out of chasing my tail around your maypole… even if that is all I caught. Good luck to you. (shakes John’s hand) Wish you the best.

JOHN: Thank you.

HARRY: Ready?

Edith puts her hand on John’s face, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. They depart

HARRY: — Later!

SANDY: — Okay, good night.

Dan comes out, hugs Sandy from the side.

SANDY: Mmm. (to John) I don’t know, man. Something about this… Something about you, John. The more I think about it, the more I’m no longer in that Chinese box. (Inhaling deeply) I sense…space. A kinda latitude of what we happily call reality, in which, as everybody keeps saying… anything’s possible.

JOHN: Yes.

DAN: No. N-no. N-no. No— No more words. I’m gonna go home, and I’m gonna watch Doctor Who for a dose of sanity. Good luck to you, man, wherever this may lead you…You drop me a line, sometime. Let me know how you’re making out.

JOHN: …I will.

Dan gives Sandy a friendly kiss and walks off.

SANDY: So, John Oldman. What other pun names have you used?

Will is slowly exiting, inadvertently sneaking up on them.

JOHN: Lots. John Paley for John Paleolithic. John Savage— Got really crazy about 60 years ago, when I was teaching at Harvard, I was John Thomas Partee. John T. Partee— Boston tea party—

Will who is right behind them now takes a step back with a look of shock on his face.

SANDY: I get it.

JOHN: Yeah, I know.

WILL: Wait, wait, wait. B-Boston? 60 years ago? J-John Partee?

John puts a hand on his mouth.

WILL: (angrily) You did not teach chemistry! I do not believe you!

JOHN: (putting his arm on Will’s shoulder) Your mother’s name was Nola.

WILL: No. No! Yea— Yes, Nola. (crying) My mother! (angrily) I reject this! My— My— My dog’s name. We had him before I was born.

JOHN: (smiling and nodding) Woofie.

WILL: Woof— Woof— Woofie… (sobbing)

JOHN: Gruber. She remarried?

WILL: (sobbing angrily) She said you abandoned us.

JOHN: Sorry, I had to move on. You know that. I left enough. I left enough.

WILL: I–I’m cooold!

JOHN: (putting his arm around him and escorting him inside) Chilly Willy, always cold. Never could stand the cold.

WILL: (Sobs) Wait, you— you had a beard! (stroking his face)

JOHN: Yeah, you used to tug on it to see if it was real.

WILL: (sobbing) Agh! (clutching his chest in pain)

JOHN: Will! God. Call an ambulance, now!

(Will gasps, collapses with John holding him)

JOHN: Come on, Willy. Will. Come on, buddy.

(Siren blaring, fade out)

fin