Джером Биксби - The Man From Earth

ART: No, not for me HARRY

(offering it to Linda)

LINDA: Oh, no, I don’t drink!

HARRY: Heh, we’re not gonna card you darling!

Oh, alright, here, join the circle at least!

DAN: Well. To long life, and good fortune to our esteemed friend, and colleague John Oldman. May he find undeserved bliss wherever he goes.

HARRY: Hear, hear!

EDITH: Na Z’drovya!

SANDY: Cheers!

HARRY: Mm! Oh that’s good!

Everyone makes themselves comfortable rLinda warming herself in front of the fire.

ART: John, we’re all sorry to see you go. Truly.

Okay. Now we’re done with that, what do we do for the rest of the afternoon?

HARRY: Anyone got a good topic?

Dan picks up a carved flint tool from a box.

DAN: Like this, maybe? Heh.

SANDY: What is that?

DAN: It’s a burin. Of a parrot beak. Inclined chisel point…probably early Magdalenian.

ART: May I see that?

DAN: Sure.

(hands it over)

ART: (examines it carefully) Yes indeed, that’s what it is.

LINDA: What’s a…burin?

ART: A burin’s a flint tool for grooving wood and bone, antlers especially, to make spear and harpoon points. Magdalenians weren’t noted for flint work, so this is a very nice specimen.

HARRY: (smirking) Okay. What’s a "Magdalenian"?

DAN: A later Cro-Magnon, without getting technical. It’s the final culture of the upper-Paleolithic. If stones could speak, eh, Art? So where’d you get that, John?

JOHN: Believe it or not, from a thrift shop. 5 bucks.

ART: You lucky dog! Me, I gotta go digging for this kinda stuff.

HARRY: Can I, uh…?

ART: Yeah.

HARRY: Huh…

(motioning to Edith then handing her the burin)

(surveying the room)…Maybe…

I’m glad you did this.

DAN: Did what?

You mean, come over?…Maybe?

JOHN: Definitely.

HARRY: Gee, thanks!

DAN: Well, so are we(?).

So are we! We couldn’t let you just run off.

JOHN: (taking the burin from Edith to put back into the box) Thanks.

HARRY: John, what is up, huh?! Are you running from the cops? We won’t turn you in!

JOHN: (pacing)

DAN: Yeah come on, out with it. You’re among friends.

EDITH: Snoopy friends.

JOHN: Forget it.

HARRY: You are creating the mystery here. Obviously you have something you’d like to say. Say it!

JOHN: Well, maybe I…

HARRY: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…

SANDY: Harry, stop.

JOHN: There is something I’m tempted to tell you, I think. I’ve never done this before and I wonder how it’ll pan out.

…I wonder if I could ask you a silly question. John we’re teachers, we answer silly questions all the time.

LINDA Hey! (elbowing Art)

JOHN: What if a man from the upper Paleolithic…survived until the present day?

DAN:…Wh-what d’ya mean "survived"? Never died?

JOHN: Yes. What would he be like?

HARRY: Arnold Schwarzenegger. A few smirks.

DAN: It’s an interesting idea. What, are you working on a science-fiction story?

JOHN: Say I am. What would he be like?

HARRY: Pretty tired.

Everyone chuckles.

DAN: Well, seriously, as Art’s book title suggests, he might be like any of us.

EDITH: Dan! A caveman?

DAN: Well, there’s no anatomical difference between, say, a Cro-Magnon and us.

ART: Except that as a rule, we’ve grown taller.

LINDA: What’s the selective advantage of height?

ART: Better to see predators in tall grass, my dear.

DAN: Actually, tall and skinny radiates heat more effectively in warmer climates.

ART: And as for Neanderthals, that strain’s still with us, of course.

HARRY: Arnold Schwarzenegger!

EDITH: But…he’d be a caveman.

DAN: No, he wouldn’t. John’s hypothetical man would’ve lived through a hundred and forty centuries…

ART: Yeah, roughly.

DAN:…And changed with every one of them. I mean, assuming normal intelligence. Well, we think men of the upper Paleolithic were as intelligent as we are. They just didn’t know as much. John’s man would have learned as the race learned. In fact, if he had an inquiring mind, his knowledge might be…astonishing.

(pointing at John)

If you do write that, let me have a look at it. I’m sure you’ll make some anthropological boners.

JOHN: It’s a deal.

LINDA: What would keep him alive?

EDITH: What does the biologist say?

HARRY: Cigarettes. And ice-cream.

Everyone scoffs and chuckles.

HARRY: Alright, alright, I’ll play, I’ll play. Alright, um, in science fiction terms, I would say…

…Perfect cellular regeneration caused by circulating Mesenchymal stem cells originating from bone marrow. Especially in the vital organs. Actually, the human body appears designed to live about a hundred and ninety years. Most of us just die…

(motions to his glass)

…of slow poisoning.

(smiles and takes a sip)

JOHN: Maybe he did something right. Something everybody else in history had done wrong.

ART: What, like eat the food, drink the water and breathe the air?

DAN:…Prior to modern times, those were pristine. We’ve extended our lifespan in a world that’s, uh… not fit to live in. (sighs)

HARRY: Y’know, it could happen! Yeah! The pancreas turns over cells every twenty-four hours, the stomach lining in three days, the entire body in seven years, but the process falters. Waste accumulates, eventually proves fatal to function. Now if a quirk in his immune system led to perfect detox, perfect renewal, then yeah. He could, uh… duck decay.

EDITH: Mm, that’s a secret we’d all love to have.

JOHN: Would you really want to do that?…Live 14,000 years?

ART: Well, if I could stay healthy and I didn’t age, I mean, why not?

LINDA: Yeah. What a chance to learn.

SANDY: Is anyone hungry?

(Heads off-stage to the kitchen)

HARRY: Y’know, the more I think about it, yeah, it’s possible. Anything is possible, right? After all, one century’s magic, another century’s science. They thought Columbus was a nut-case, right? Pasteur? Copernicus?

JOHN: Aristarchus long before that.

(Nonchalantly, as he gets up to pour himself another drink)

I had a chance to sail with Columbus, only I’m not the adventurous type.

DAN: What?

Music starts…

JOHN: I was pretty sure the Earth was round, but at that point, I still thought he might fall off an edge some place…

Incredulous, confused reactions.

ART: (Bemused, laughing nervously) Look around, John. We just did.

DAN: I suppose there’s a joke in there somewhere, but I don’t get it.

JOHN: There’s nothing to get.

Music builds…

DAN: What are we talking about?

ART: We were just talking about a caveman…who survives until the present time.

JOHN: As you said, what a chance to learn, once I learned to learn.

DAN: Did you start the whiskey before we got here?

JOHN: Pretend it’s science fiction. Figure it out.

HARRY: Okay, a— (heh heh) — very old Cro-Magnon living until the — present.

Music crescendos…

JOHN: (slowly leans forward and suddenly GRUNTS LOUDLY like a caveman)

Everyone jumps r startled r and then laughs.

EDITH: Oh!

SANDY: (entering) What?

ART: John just confided that he’s fourteen thousand years old.

SANDY: Oh, John, you don’t look a day over nine hundred!

ART: (laughing) Okay!

HARRY: Alright Spock, I’ll play your little game. What do you want? What’s the punch line?