Paul Kohler - The Borrowed Souls, A Novel

Penny shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Have any pointers for a newbie?”

“I don’t know. I guess just try not to dwell on the past. At least that’s what the counselors keeps telling me.”

“You don’t sound too convinced,” I said.

Penny stared straight ahead. “I don’t know. It just seems that all of this is bullshit anyway. First they tell you to forget about the past, then in the next breath they tell you to look deeper at what’s causing the depression. Most of the time that is the past. So I guess I don’t have anything worth saying,” Penny said.

“Careful, Jack. Penny’s soul is beginning to flash faster. Try to calm her down,” Hauser said.

“I feel the same way. I’m Jack, by the way.”

“Penny.”

“A friend of mine has told me to let bygones be bygones and all that, but, I don’t know, I do sometimes feel better when I talk about what happened.”

Penny tilted her head in my direction. “And what’s that?”

“It’s still a little difficult to talk about, but… my wife committed suicide about six months ago,” I said, the words out of my mouth before I could take them back.

“Jesus, Jack. Are you trying to convince her to kill herself?” Hauser asked.

Penny’s eyes widened and she turned her body toward me, her interest piqued. “How did she… I mean I’m sorry for your loss. How did she do it?”

“Whatever you do, Jack, do not tell her how to kill herself,” Hauser snapped.

“I’d rather not talk about the details if that’s all right,” I said. “It’s still pretty painful.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Penny said, her voice cracking slightly.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know. Maybe in time it’ll be easier to talk about,” I said, hanging my head low, enjoying the false sympathy. “What about you? What’s your story?”

“I’m lonely, I guess. I don’t have any family, and I had a pretty traumatic event a few months ago.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, pivoting toward her.

Penny breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. “I lost a child at birth,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Oh, how tragic,” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder.

Back off, you creep, Penny thought. I’m not a piece of meat, old man.

Old man? I thought.

“Jack, she does have a point. You are coming off a little desperate. Now would be a good time to extricate your hand from her shoulder,” Hauser said.

I casually dropped my hand to the side. “I… know what you’re feeling.”

“How could you? Have you recently popped a child out of your vagina?” she asked angrily.

I turned away quickly, hoping to come across less threatening. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I understand what it’s like losing something or someone. After my wife died, I constantly asked myself, why me. She left me on this earth alone, and all I can think about is why me.” I lowered my eyes and hoped that I didn’t look too pathetic.

Penny sighed heavily. “Exactly. I’ve lost the only thing important to me, and I don’t know why I feel so… abandoned. Sometimes I just don’t want to continue,” she said as tears streaked down her face.

“Hey, hey. Don’t think like that. Your life means so much more than you could ever imagine. Life has two rules: One, never quit. And two, always remember rule number one. You’ll get through this, I promise.”

How the hell can you promise something like that, Penny thought. I just met you, and…

“I can because I’m living proof,” I said.

“Watch it, Jack. You’re answering her thoughts with your own words,” Hauser said.

“How did you—” Penny began.

“I guess I just knew what you were thinking because I’ve been there. Granted, it’s taken me six months to get past everything, and I’m now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s so cliché, but suicide is not your answer.”

“To hell with you, buddy. You just met me and you’re telling me what’s right for me?” Penny yelled and stood up so fast her chair slid halfway across the room.

“Penelope, please,” I begged. “I didn’t mean to—”

“I never told you my full name. Who are you? Wait a minute, never mind. Fuck you,” Penny said as she stormed out.

Shit, I thought.

“That’s an understatement, buddy. I’d point out just how horrible that went, but I assume you realize that all on your own,” Hauser said.

“Well, now what? Did I completely screw the pooch on this one?”

“I don’t know, Jack. Time will tell. I suggest you make a discreet exit and then we can regroup back at your place.”

I nodded and made for the exit, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room. As soon as I was out of sight, I vanished.

As I stood on the rooftop of Cornwell Tower on Forty-Eighth Street, I hoped I was in the right place. Having just walked through Penny’s future using the rosary, I could only recognize certain aspects of the environment before coming here in person. I was nearly certain that this was the very rooftop from which she would take her life.

I moved to the edge and looked down. Even though I’d never really experienced a fear of heights, standing more than fifty floors above the earth made my knees weak. Nervously, I inched away from the edge and turned toward the stairway door. I waited.

Thankfully, my wait was brief as Penny blasted through the door right on time. She wasted no time and marched directly toward me and the edge of the roof. I’d hoped that she might take her time, convincing herself that this was her only way out as opposed to taking the bull by the horns and advancing toward her death so quickly.

“Penny, wait,” I said. “You don’t want to do this.”

Penny continued her march, walking past me and right up to the edge. She paused and looked down just as I had done moments before.

Nervously, I moved to her side. “Penny, why do you want to kill yourself? I’m here to tell you that whatever the reason is, it’s no good reason at all. Trust me when I tell you this. I’m speaking from personal experience.”

Penny raised her head up and looked toward the sky. She took in several deep breaths before hanging her head low once again. As she stood there, silently, her toes inching forward and over the edge of the roof, she swayed back and forth, tempting gravity to take over.

“I don’t understand, Penny. Why are you ignoring me?” I said, hoping to distract her for even just a moment.

Penny continued her silence as she inched even closer toward her death. Finally, when I felt she had reached the point of no return, I reached out to pull her back from the edge.

“You can’t keep ignoring me,” I yelled, just as my fingers touched her warm skin. Or so I thought. I had expected my hand to wrap around her arm, but my hand passed right through her body. What the hell?

Just then, I heard a loud voice across the vast rooftop.

“What the hell are you doing? Do not interfere! Haven’t you meddled in the lives of other people enough?”

A man in a blue suit with a matching bowler hat was running at full sprint in our direction. It was Enoch Gant.

“Penny! Quick, get away from the edge,” I pleaded.

Penny continued to ignore me, but she turned to the sound of Enoch’s voice.

As he neared our position, his speed increased exponentially. He was going to plow into the both of us, carrying us all over the edge.

“Stop, you lunatic! What the hell are you doing?” I demanded.

He was getting closer by the second, his face intense and manic. If I hadn’t known any better, I would certainly classify it as suicidal. He was going to kill himself, along with Penny and me.