Paul Kohler - The Borrowed Souls, A Novel

I shrugged as I passed him and stepped onto the sidewalk.

“So what’s our play? Do I just to go up to her and start chatting with her?” I asked.

“Well, maybe something not so direct, but yeah.”

“And you’re sure she’s in there?” I asked.

Hauser pulled out his pocket watch and flipped it open for us both to see. As we stood right outside the community center, the only dot on the face of the dial flashed slowly.

“Yep. She’s here. And from the speed of the flashing, it looks like whatever they’re talking about in there is doing her good.”

I leaned around the edge of the building and peered inside the glass storefront. From where I stood, I could see close to a dozen people sitting in plastic chairs arranged in a circle. I held my position for a few moments, studying the group.

“I don’t know, Hauser. I think your pocket watch might be broke. I don’t see her in there.”

“Trust me, she’s in there. She may look a little different from the last time you saw her, but she’s there.”

I peeked around the corner again, scanning the group. As I did, individuals in the group began to stand up and mingle around, a few of them refilling their drinks from a buffet table at the side of the room.

“And you’re sure that Enoch will pick up on our activities?” I asked nervously.

“What’s going on, Jack? You obviously want to save all of the souls, so what’s causing the blockage right now?”

Hauser was right. There was something blocking my confidence, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

“I don’t know. It’s just that… I guess I’ve just gotten use to not interacting with people, formally. I’ve never really been socially awkward or anything, but I’m having some strange feelings of inadequacy right now.”

“Nobody said this was going to be a walk in the park, Jack. Just do your best and I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

I took a deep breath, then walked around the corner and opened the front door.

When I stepped into the Forty-Second Street community center, several small independent groups murmured quietly around the room. As I walked farther into the gathering, I casually looked around at all of the female guests trying to find Penny.

“Welcome,” a woman said from the center of the room.

I smiled and walked up to her. “Hello,” I said nervously. “Uh, a friend of mine said there was some kind of group that I could, um…” I held the pause to exaggerate the awkwardness of the situation. “A place that I could come to if I was depressed.”

“Your friend is correct. I am Alisha. I’m a support counselor here, and our door is always open. If you ever want to talk, there will always be somebody here to listen.” She smiled. “We have weekly gatherings where you can come and participate in group sessions. There’s one going on right now, but we’re just on a little bit of a break.”

“Oh, thank you. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready to jump right into a group environment…”

“That’s quite all right, Mr… ?”

“Uh,” I stammered.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me your last name. First names are fine.”

“I, um, I’m Jack.”

“Welcome, Jack. You’re more than welcome to participate today if you’d like, but you could also just observe today if that makes you feel more comfortable.”

“Thank you. I’d like that. I’ll just hang out if that’s okay?”

“Absolutely. Help yourself to refreshments, too. There’s snacks and punch at the back.”

I smiled and nodded, then shuffled through the crowd, trying to be aware of my surroundings as to not run into anyone. When I reached the back table, I filled a cup with punch and picked up a chocolate chip cookie. As I turned back to face the room, I saw her. Penny was sitting alone and looked far worse for the wear than I’d anticipated. Her eyes were ringed in pink and swollen, and her hair looked as if it hadn’t been combed in quite some time. Her shirt appeared inside out, and her jeans were stained with grime.

There she is, I thought to Hauser.

“See? I told you so,” Hauser said from beside me. “Now, it’s all up to you.”

“Oh great. Way to put the pressure on me,” I said as I fidgeted nervously.

“Relax, Jack. It’s not like you’re going up to ask her out on a date or anything. You’re just here to… talk to her, get to know her, and find out how close she is to killing herself.”

Hearing Hauser talk about committing suicide as if it were just another daily occurrence bothered me. Having mostly come to terms with my own fatal decision helped soften the impact, but the entire situation disturbed me just the same. Then a thought crossed my mind.

“Wait a minute. Won’t she recognize me from the hospital?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to bring it up, buddy, but she might very well remember you. Before she went in for the C-section, she was on no medication or drugs whatsoever. We just have to hope that enough time has passed that you’re just another stranger to her. Now go. You’re not getting any younger,” Hauser smirked. “And be cautious when speaking to me in public. You do realize other people can hear you talking, right? It looks like you are having a deep conversation with yourself.”

Got it. I forgot there for a minute, I thought.

As I walked toward Penny, I brought the cup of punch to my lips to take a drink. Just as the sugary sweetness reached my tongue, my elbow struck someone’s back, causing me to spill red liquid down my chin and all over my chest.

“Son of a—” I exclaimed as I stepped around the perturbed man frowning awkwardly at me. “I mean, sorry about that,” I said.

Brushing the liquid from my shirt, I walked over to Penny’s chair. “Hi. Is anybody sitting here?” I asked.

Penny barely acknowledged me and shook her head.

I lowered myself into the chair next to her and continued to dab awkwardly at the fruit punch soaking through my shirt. “I don’t suppose you have an extra napkin on you?” I said.

“No, sorry,” she said, standing up to leave.

“I’m sorry, miss. I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just that… I’m new here and I’m a little nervous.”

She looked at me and tilted her head slightly. “You’re new?” she asked. “I think I’ve seen you in here before.”

Oh crap. She does remember me, I thought to Hauser.

“Keep going, buddy,” Hauser said from behind me. “If she’d remembered you from the hospital, do you think she’d still be standing here, waiting for your response?”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” I said aloud.

“So you’re not new?” Penny asked.

“Um, what I meant to say… was that you’re right. I have been in here before, but I haven’t participated in any of the sessions. I’ve been sort of a shadow really, just staying on the fringes of the room.”

“Nice recovery, ace,” Hauser said.

“If I make you uncomfortable, I can leave,” I said.

“No, it’s all right,” Penny said as she retook her seat. “We’re supposed to talk about our feelings anyway. Isn’t that why we’re all here?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I suppose so. I’ve just never been that big of a sharer, if you know what I mean.”

“Totally,” Penny said as she continued to stare at me awkwardly.

“So have you been coming here long?” I asked, fidgeting with my sleeve again.

“Seriously, Jack. You’re not trying to pick her up. You’re acting as nervous and awkward as a high school boy at cheerleader tryouts.”

“I mean, have you been attending these sessions long? Have they helped you at all?” I said, wondering why this was so difficult.