Lois Bujold: Mirror Dance

He glanced over his shoulder as the pod obediently broke free of the docking clamps and turned. They swooped away from the skin of the station into clear space. The traffic control patterns made a maze of colored lights on the navigation console, through which the pilot swiftly threaded them.

“Good to see you back, Admiral,” said the pilot as soon as the tangle grew less thick. “What’s happening?”

The edge of formality in the pilot’s tone was reassuring. Just a comrade in arms, not one of the Dear Old Friends, or worse, Dear Old Lovers. He essayed an evasion. “When you need to know, you’ll be told.” He made his tone affable, but avoided names or ranks.

The pilot vented an intrigued “ Hm,” and smirked, apparently contented.

He settled back with a tight smile. The huge transfer station fell away silently behind them, shrinking into a mad child’s toy, then into a few glints of light. “Excuse me. I’m a little tired.” He settled down further into his seat and closed his eyes. “Wake me up when we dock, if I fall asleep.”

“Yes, sir,” said the pilot respectfully. “You look like you could use it.”

He acknowledged this with a tired wave of his hand, and pretended to doze.

He could always tell, instantly, when someone he met thought they were facing “Naismith.” They all had that same stupid hyper-alert glow in their faces. They weren’t all worshipful; he’d met some of Naismith’s enemies once, but worshipful or homicidal, they reacted. As if they suddenly switched on, and became ten times more alive than ever before. How the hell did he do it? Make people light up like that? Granted, Naismith was a goddamn hyperactive, but how did he make it so freaking contagious?

Strangers who met him as himself did not greet him like that. They were blank and courteous, or blank and rude, or just blank, closed and indifferent. Covertly uncomfortable with his slight deformities, and his obviously abnormal four-foot-nine-inch height. Wary.

His resentment boiled up behind his eyes like sinus pain. All this bloody hero-worship, or whatever it was. All for Naismith. For Naismith, and not for me … never for me… .

He stifled a twinge of dread, knowing what he was about to face. Bel Thorne, the Ariel’s captain, would be another one. Friend, officer, fellow Betan, yes, a tough test, well enough. But Thorne also knew of the existence of the clone, from that chaotic encounter two years ago on Earth. They had never met face to face. But a mistake that another Dendarii might dismiss in confusion could trigger in Thorne the suspicion, the wild surmise… .

Even that distinction Naismith had stolen from him. The mercenary admiral, publicly and falsely, now claimed to be a clone himself. A superior cover, concealing his other identity, his other life. You have two lives, he thought to his absent enemy. I have none. I’m the real done, damn it. Couldn’t I have even that uniqueness? Did you have to take it all?

No. Keep his thoughts positive. He could handle Thorne. As long as he could avoid the terrifying Quinn, the bodyguard, the lover, Quinn. He had met Quinn face to face on Earth, and fooled her once, for a whole morning. Not twice, he didn’t think. But Quinn was with the real Miles Naismith, stuck like glue; he was safe from her. No old lovers this trip.

He’d never had a lover, not yet. It was perhaps not quite fair to blame Naismith for that as well. For the first twenty years of his life he had been in effect a prisoner, though he hadn’t always realized it. For the last two … the last two years had been one continuous disaster, he decided bitterly. This was his last chance. He refused to think beyond. No more. This had to be made to work.

The pilot stirred, beside him, and he slitted open his eyes as the deceleration pressed him against his seat straps. They were coming up on the Ariel. It grew from a dot to a model to a ship. The Illyrican-built light cruiser carried a crew of twenty, plus room for supercargo and a commando squad. Heavily powered for its size, an energy profile typical of warships. It looked swift, almost rakish. A good courier ship; a good ship to run like hell in. Perfect. Despite his black mood, his lips curled up, as he studied that ship. Now I take, and you give, Naismith.

The pilot, clearly quite conscious that he was conveying his admiral, brought the personnel pod into its docking clamps with a bare click, eat and smooth as humanly possible. “Shall I wait, sir?”

“No. I shouldn’t be needing you again.”

The pilot hurried to adjust the tube seals while his passenger was till unbuckling, and saluted him out with another idiot broad proud mile. He twitched a returning smile and salute, then grasped the handlebars above the hatch and swung himself into the Ariel’s gravity ield.

He dropped neatly to his feet in a small loading bay. Behind him, he pod pilot was already re-sealing the hatch to return himself and iis pod to its vessel of origin, probably the flagship Triumph. He looked up — always, up — into the face of the waiting Dendarii officer, face he had studied before this only in a holovid.

Captain Bel Thorne was a Betan hermaphrodite, a race that was remnant of an early experiment in human genetic and social engineering that had succeeded only in creating another minority. “home’s beardless face was framed by soft brown hair in a short, ambiguous cut that either a man or a woman might sport. Its officer’s jacket hung open, revealing the black tee shirt underneath curving over modest but distinctly feminine breasts. The gray Dendarii uniform trousers were loose enough to disguise the reciprocal bulge in he crotch. Some people found hermaphrodites enormously disturbing. he was relieved to realize he found that aspect of Thorne only slightly disconcerting. Clones who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw … what? It was the radiant I-love-Naismith look on the hermaphrodite’s face that really bothered him. His gut knotted, as he returned the Ariel’s captain’s salute.

“Welcome aboard, sir!” The alto voice was vibrant with enthusiasm.

He was just managing a stiff smile, when the hermaphrodite stepped up and embraced him. His heart lurched, and he barely choked off a cry and a violent, defensive lashing-out. He endured he embrace without going rigid, grasping mentally after shattered composure and his carefully rehearsed speeches. It’s not going to kiss me, is it?!

The hermaphrodite set him at arm’s length, hands familiarly upon his shoulders, without doing so, however. He breathed relief. Thorne cocked its head, its lips twisting in puzzlement. “What’s wrong, Miles?”

First names? “Sorry, Bel. I’m just a little tired. Can we get right to the briefing?”

You look a lot tired. Right. Do you want me to assemble the whole crew?”

No … you can re-brief them as needed.” That was the plan, as little direct contact with as few Dendarii as possible.

“Come to my cabin, then, and you can put your feet up and drink tea while we talk.”

The hermaphrodite followed him into the corridor. Not knowing which direction to turn, he wheeled and waited as if politely for Thorne to lead on. He trailed the Dendarii officer through a couple of twists and turns and up a level. The ship’s internal architecture was not as cramped as he’d expected. He noted directions carefully. Naismith knew this ship well.

The Ariel’s captain’s cabin was a neat little chamber, soldierly, not revealing much on this side of the latched cupboard doors about the personality of its owner. But Thorne unlatched one to display an antique ceramic tea set and a couple of dozen small canisters of varietal teas of Earth and other planetary origins, all protected from breakage by custom-made foam packing. “What kind?” Thorne called, its hand hovering over the canisters.