Robert Asprin - M.Y.T.H. Inc In Action

"Guido," he sez, "am I crazy, or is the army?"

"Probably both," I sez, "though I'll admit I think the army has an edge on you in the 'foo-foo land' department."

"I don't get it. I just don't get it," he continues like I hadn't said anythin'. "I mean, we disobeyed standing orders ... even roughed up the cops for cryin' out loud. And we get promoted for that"!"

"It would seem," I sez carefully, "that we're bein' rewarded for 'action against the enemy.' I guess we just miscalculated who the army sees as 'the enemy' is all."

We walk on in silence for a few, each of us reflectin' on what has occurred.

"I guess there is a good side to this," I sez at last. "If we are gonna continue our attempts to disrupt the army, headquarters is probably the best place to do it from."

"True enough," Nunzio sighs. "Well, Guido, let me be the first to congratulate you."

"On what?"

"Why, on your promotion, of course," he sez, glancin' sideways at me. "I know exactly how much it means to you."

I think of hittin' him, but he has deliberately stepped out of range as he lays this on me.

"Nunzio," I sez, "let us not forget your own ..."

"Hey guys!! Wait up!!"

We look around to find Spyder comin' up behind us.

"Oh, hi Spyder."

"So what happened?" she sez, tryin' to get her wind back as she catches up to us.

"Well, there was a bit of a fight after you left, and ..."

"I know that," she interrupts. "I heard. Sorry I missed it. I meant afterward. Are you guys in trouble?"

"Naw," Nunzio shrugs casual-like. "In fact, we're all being transferred to Headquarters Staff ... oh yeah, and Guido and me got promoted."

He sez this real easy, expectin' her to be as surprised as we was. Strangely enough, however, she lets it skate on by her.

"What about the civilian authorities? What are you gonna do about them?"

"Nothin'," I sez. "Why should we?"

"Are you kidding? The way I heard it you punched out a cop! They aren't gonna just ignore that!"

"They're gonna have to," I shrugs. "As soldiers, we are subject to discipline by the military, not civilian courts."

"We are?" she frowns, stoppin' in her tracks.

"Sure. Don't you remember? They told us about that back in Basic."

"I told you you should pay attention to the Military Law lectures," Nunzio sez, grinnin' at her.

"Gee," she sez, chewin' her lip. "Then I guess you don't need the help I brought you."

"Help? What help?"

"Well, I thought you were gonna be in trouble with the civilian authorities, and since I knew you guys was connected, I figured I should find somebody to pass the word to so ..."

Until now I had only been listenin' casually. As Spyder spoke, however, a loud alarm began to sound in the back of my mind ... a very loud alarm.

"Connected?" I sez, interruptin'. "You mean like with the Mob?"

"Of course," she sez.

"You went lookin' for the Mob?" Nunzio sez, catchin' on at last.

"That's right. Found 'em too."

"Wait a minute," I frowns. "When youse said you 'brought back help,' were you sayin' you've got somebody along now?"

"That's right," she sez, lookin' around. "He was with me when I spotted you a second ago. I may have gotten a little ahead of him, but he should ..."

"Hello Guido ... Nunzio ... long time no see."

The owner of this new voice melts out of the shadows close to us ... too close.

"Hello, Snake," I sez, edgin' a little away from Nunzio so we both have lots of room for whatever is gonna happen next.

"You remember me!" he sez, though his mockin' smile makes it clear he is not surprised. "I wasn't sure you would."

I don't think anyone would have trouble rememberin' Snake ... except for maybe, witnesses ... as he is what you would call highly memorable. He is tall and real thin, and has a habit of dressin' all in black like he is now, which is why he was able to ease up on us in the shadows.

"You guys know each other?" Spyder sez, hesitant-like lookin' back and forth between us.

"Oh, we're old friends," Snake sez in that smooth, purrin' voice of his.

"Actually, it's more like 'associates,'" Nunzio corrects, easin' even further apart from me.

While both Nunzio and me know Snake, we have never pretended to like him. He is one of the top enforcers for the Mob, but tends to like his work a little too much for our tastes. You have perhaps noticed that when the occasion calls for it, neither Nunzio nor me are adverse to the judicious application of violence, but as it goes against our delicate natures we have trained ourselves to terminate such encounters in the briefest possible time. Snake, on the other hand, likes to prolong and drag out his work as much as possible ... and he works with a knife. He can be as fast as his moniker when the situation calls for it, however, and though Nunzio and me had been confident about roustin' a room full of normal people earlier this evening, there is a serious question in my mind as to whether both of us workin' together can take Snake if things get ugly.

"Why don't you head on back to the barracks, Spyder," I sez, not takin' my eyes off Snake. "Our colleague here probably has some things he wants to discuss with us ... privately."

"Not me!" Snake says, holdin' up his hands palms out in what to my eye is an exaggerated show of innocence. "... Though I'll admit I think a conversation between us would be ... interesting. No, I'm just here to escort you to another old friend."

"And who would that be?" Nunzio sez.

Snake's smile slips away and his voice drops a dozen degrees.

"Don Bruce wants to talk to you ... he wants to talk to you real bad."

"You countermanded me on whose authority?"

-POPE JOHN

"THAT'S QUITE SOME babe you got there."

I shoot a sideways glance at Snake when he sez this, but his manner seems as respectful as his tone, so I decide he is sincere and not tryin' to be sarcastic.

"She's okay." I sez, noncommittal-like.

Realizin' we are in trouble with the Mob, it does not seem like the best idea to seem too close to Spyder.

"So what happened to her hair?"

"I think she likes it that way," I shrugs. "Who knows with broads. Of course, it looked better before the army cropped it short."

"That reminds me of a joke I heard once," Nunzio sez. "It seems this guy takes an alligator, then cuts off its nose and tail, and paints it yellow ..."

"You know," Snake interrupts, "while we were looking for you, she was asking me about joining the Mob after her enlistment is over."

I realize now why Snake is bein' so talkative. He is checkin' politely to see if either Nunzio or me has any claim on Spyder ... professionally or personally. This is understandable, for while I do not think he is afraid of us, every guy knows that messin' with another guy's moll—or, in the Mob, his recruit—is apt to be considered a challenge, so it is wisest to check things out carefully before proceedin'. While it is not exactly gettin' permission, havin' the courtesy to ask is a good way to avoid blunderin' into somethin'; thereby avertin' hurt feelin's, not to mention needless bloodshed.

"She's got her own mind," I sez cautious-like. "Of course, she was askin' me and Nunzio the same thing a week ago, so we was kinda figurin' to sponsor her if it came to that."

"Okay, got it," Snake nods. "Of course, that depends on where you guys are going to be in the future."

He sez this easy enough, but it is a cold reminder of the realities of our situational. He is actin' friendly, like has no grudge against us other than, perhaps, professional rivalry. There is no doubt in our minds, however, that if Don Bruce gives him the word to whack us, he will do his best to carry out that order.