Robert Asprin - M.Y.T.H. Inc In Action

"Just a second, Guido," Nunzio sez, then raises his voice. "Hey! Bee!"

Our junior magician comes scuttlin' over to us.

"What is it, Nunzio?"

"I want you to go out and find some police and bring them back here."

"Police? But why ..." - "Just do it! Okay?"

"Sure Nunzio. City police or Military Police?"

"Both, if you can manage it. Now get going."

He turns to me as Bee goes sprintin' out into the night.

"All right, Guido. It's party time!"

"It sure looks to me like a big night tonight!"

-ARTHUR, REX

IN OUR PLANNIN', we had neglected to establish a means by which Tananda was to let us know which room they was gonna be in. (Oversights such as this is why I am usually willin' to let someone else ... like the Boss ... do our plannin' for us!) Fortuitously, the Deveel had given them directions loud enough for us to hear at the same time as he was handin' them the key, so we have no trouble findin' where we are supposed to be.

"I don't hear anything ... do you?" Nunzio sez, cockin' his head outside the door.

By now, however, I am gettin' a head of steam up and am in no mood to quibble over details.

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you sent Bee for the cops," I sez, backin' up to get a runnin' start. "But since you did, we are kinda committed to be there when the waltz starts... know what I mean?"

"Well, just remember that the key to this working is to try to promote confusion whenever possible."

"That shouldn't be hard," I snarl, and launch myself at the door.

I have specifically mentioned our objective of "confusion" so that youse folks readin' this will not think your brains have suddenly gone Fruit Loops while tryin' to sort out this next series of events ... that is, it's supposed to be ‘confusion'!

Anyway, the door goes down, as doors are inclined to do when I hit them goin' full tilt, and the two of us pile into the room ... which I am not too busy to notice is considerably nicer than the room Frumple gave me yesterday.

To our startlement, there is no altercation occurrin' in the room ... at least, not until we arrive. Tananda and Junebug are in a huddle on the sofa, but any noise she is makin' is not screams of outrage. Still, as we have made our entrance, my cousin and me have little choice but to continue with the script as originally planned.

Nunzio latches on to Junebug, liftin' him clear of the sofa whilst I turns my attentions to Tananda. "Are you okay, lady??" I sez in my loudest voice, which projects pretty well thanks to my old drama coach. "Just take it easy!!"

"Damn it, Guido! Not yet!!" she hisses, glarin' at me as she struggles into a sittin' position.

Now, this is not part of our planned dialogue, and I glance over at Junebug quick-like to see if he has noticed that Tananda has let it slip that we know each other. I need not have concerned myself.

Nunzio is holdin' Junebug high enough that his feet are not touchin' the floor, hangin' onto him by the front of his uniform while shakin' him hard. Of course, on the out-stroke, he is also slammin' our colleague into the wall in a repeated manner solidly enough to shake the buildin'. He has done this to me on a couple of occasions, so I can state from personal experience that while it may look like he is tryin' to help you clear your head, the actualities of the situational is that after hittin' the wall a few times, you're lucky to remember your name, much less why he is carryin' on in this manner.

"Calm down, Junebug!" my cousin is shoutin'. "She isn't worth it!! We don't want no trouble!!!"

Seein' as how Junebug is distracted, which I can tell by the way his eyes are rollin' around independent-like in his head, I turn my attention to Tananda once more.

"Look, Tananda," I growl, lowerin' my voice so's only she can hear me, "I apologize if our timin' is less than exact. You can beat on me for it later. In the meantime, might I point out that the curtain is already up and you have been entrusted with a rather important role in our performance?"

"But we were just starting to ..." she pauses here and draws a long, ragged breath. "Oh ... All right!"

With this, she reaches up, takes hold of the shoulder of her dress, and rips it diagonally across her body down to the hip ... in doin' so givin' me a quick glimpse of a lot more of Tananda than it has previously been my privilege to view.

"He was going to ... Oh, it was just awful! What kind of people are you, anyway?"

She pauses in her hysterics.

"Guido!" she sez, urgent-Iike.

I am still starin' at the portion of the dress she is now tryin' to hold together with one hand.

"Hmmm? Oh ... Yeah! Just take it easy, lady!!" I sez, avertin' my eyes as I am a little embarrassed. "He didn't mean nothin'!!"

"Get him away from me!!! Just get him away!!!"

That cue I can remember.

"Come on Nunzio," I sez. "Let's get him out of here!"

With that, we each grab Junebug by one arm and usher him out of the room through the crowd that's startin' to gather. I look back at Tananda and give her a wink, but she just sticks her tongue out at me quick-like before continuin' her hysterics.

"WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS?" she screams after us. "Letting animals like that mix with decent people ..."

I lose the rest of her performance as we are carryin' Junebug down to the main floor by now.

The crowd what has been outside the room was nothin' compared to what was waitin' for us in the bar. Everybody in the place is crowdin' around to see what is goin' on ... well, crowdin' at a distance like folks do when they don't want to be right up dose to the action. Toward the back, I can see the uniforms of some of the local constabulary, though they are havin' trouble reachin' us through the heavy traffic. Of the Military Police there is no sign ... so I figure we will just have to start without them.

"What's going on up there?" Frumple demands, appearin' at my side.

"Here," I sez out of the side of my mouth, pushin' some money into his hand. "Take this."

"What's this for?" he sez, scowlin' at my offerin'.

"That should cover the bar bill for our table since this afternoon."

"Your bar bill?" he frowns. "I don't get it. We had a deal. I give you free drinks, and you don't bust up my place or tell anyone ... my secret."

"Don't worry," I sez, showin' him a few teeth. "Your secret is safe."

"Then what ... Hey! Wait a minute! You aren't going to ..."

Just then, the police reach us.

Now, earlier Nunzio and me was commentin' how there wasn't anyone in the bar who could give us a run for our money. This situational changes when these cops roll in. There are four of them, and while none of them looks particularly tough physically bein' uniformly soft around the middle, there is a steadiness in their eyes that anyone in the business can spot as the mark of someone what don't get particularly rattled when trouble starts.

"All right!" the biggest one of 'em says, steppin' up to us. "What's going on here?"

As you might guess, people of Nunzio's and my profession are not overly fond of the authorities of the law, particularly the street variety, and we usually give them wide berth. So in actual confrontation such as this, it is not too difficult for us to act unpleasant.

"What kind of town is this?" Nunzio bellows, glarin' around at the crowd. "A man in uniform tries to have a quiet drink ... and the next thing you know, some bimbo is trying to set him up for a bum rap!!"

"Just take it easy, soldier," the cop sez, friendlylike. "You're among friends now. There are a couple of us who were in the service ourselves once."

This is somethin' we hadn't counted on. The last thing we need right now is for the cops to act reasonable. I figure it is about time I take a hand in the proceedin's personally.