Robert Asprin - M.Y.T.H. Inc In Action

Finally, the captain looks up as if seein' all of us for the first time.

"Where are the others?" he sez to one of the guards.

"At the infirmary tent, sir," the guard sez.

The captain raises his eyebrows.

"Anything serious?"

"No sir. Just a few bumps and bruises. Besides ..."

"The guard hesitates and glances at me, and I knew I was on.

"I told 'em they should get patched up and let me talk to you first, captain ... sir," I sez. "You see, it was Nunzio and me what started the fight, and the squad just pitched in later to help us out ... so I figured that ... well, since we was responsible ..."

"Can you verify this?" the captain sez to the guard, cuttin' my oration short.

"Yes sir."

"Very well. Send word over to the infirmary. Tell the rest of the squad they are free to return to their quarters after their wounds are treated. Sergeant Guido and Corporal Nunzio are taking full responsibility for their actions."

"Yes sir," the guard sez, then salutes and leaves.

This is a bit of a load off my mind, as I have been worryin' a bit about gettin' the crew into trouble with our gambit. A bit, but not all ... as there remains the question of what the captain is gonna do about me and Nunzio. This is a for real question, as the stare the captain is levelin' at us is real noncommittal, which is to say he neither looks happy nor upset ... though I'm not sure what he would have to be happy about in this situational.

"Are you aware," he sez finally, "that I was called off stage to deal with this matter? One song into my final set, no less?"

"No sir," I sez, 'cause I hadn't been.

This simple statement did, however, settle two things in my mind. First, there is the matter of his rather flashy outfit ... which while it is indeed quite spiffy, is decidedly non-regulation. Second, it removed any doubts I might be havin' as to the level of benevolence the captain is feelin' toward us ... noncommittal stare or not.

"According to this," he sez, lookin' at the report again, "you two were involved in, if not the actual instigators of a barroom brawl, not only with civilians, but with the local police as well. Is there anything you'd like to add to that?"

"One of those civilians tried to roll one of our squad," I sez.

I figure that now we have accomplished our mission, it is time to start lookin' out for ourselves.

"Then, when we try to get him out, the others try to say he has assaulted her. As far as the cops ... I mean, the local police go, well, they was tryin' to arrest us all, even though our own military police were right there on the scene of the alleged crime, and we was taught in basic trainin' ..."

"Yes, yes, I know," he waves. "Soldiers are to be tried in military, not civilian court, so you two took on a whole room full of civilians over a point in the Military Code. Is that it?"

"Yes sir. That and to try to help one of our squad."

"Very well," he sez, and looks over at the guards. "You men can go now. I'll handle this from here."

We wait quiet-like until the MPs file out of the room, then a little longer as the captain is studyin' our files again.

"You two have only been assigned to me for about a week ... and only enlisted a few weeks before that. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir."

"So you're fresh out of Basic and already a sergeant ... and corporal. And now this."

He goes back to starin' at our files, but I am startin' to feel a little less anxious. While there is no question of us beatin' the rap, as we have confessed, it's startin' to sound like we might get off with nothin' more than losin' our stripes ... a possibility which does not distress me overly much. Not bad for not havin' a mouthpiece to do our plea bargainin'.

"The civilian authorities are recommending you be disciplined severely ... that you be made an example of to discourage other soldiers from following your example."

I start feelin' anxious again. This does not sound so encouragin', and after a career unblemished by a single conviction, I am not eager to spend time in an army stockade. I wonder if it is too late to withdraw our confession ... and whether the MPs are still outside.

"Very well," the captain sez finally, lookin' up from our files. "Consider yourselves disciplined."

We wait for him to say more, then realize that's all there is.

"Sir?"

The captain gives a tight little smile at our reactions.

"Do you men know what an army that's growing as fast as ours needs the most?"

I experience a sinkin' feelin' in my stomach, as I have heard this speech before. Nunzio, however, was not present the last time it was run past me.

"A better tailor," he sez.

The captain blinks in surprise, then erupts in a quick bark of laughter.

"That's pretty good," he sez. "A better tailor. You've got a point there, Corporal Nunzio ... but that wasn't what I was referring to."

He drops his grin and gets back on track.

"What we need are leaders. You can train men to shoot, but you can't train them to lead. Not really. We can show them the procedures and tell them the principles so they can at least go through the motions, but real leadership ... the charisma to inspire loyalty and the guts to act in a crisis ... that can't be taught."

He picks up the report and tosses it back down careless-like.

"Now, publicly we have to discourage our soldiers from fighting with civilians, whatever the provocation. Any other position would endanger our welcome in the community ... such as it is. We are aware, however, that there are those who try to exploit our men at any opportunity, and many who frankly resent us ... though I never could understand why."

I am willin' to let this pass, but Nunzio doesn't.

"Maybe it's because the army is the major recipient of their tax money," he sez.

"But their taxes are being lowered, not increased by our campaigns," the captain frowns.

Just as it did the first time I heard it, this statement strikes an impure note in my mind. Again, however, I am not allowed time to pursue it.

"Whatever," the captain sez, shakin' his head. "The truth of the matter is, that while we cannot publicly condone incidents such as the one you were involved in, there are far worse things in the army's eyes than to be willing to fight for your men and the Military Code. The fact that you were willing to take this stand against civilians, police even ... and after only three weeks in the army too ... Tell me, have you men given any thought to going Career? Of making the army your permanent occupation?"

This takes us a little aback, as we have given this idea about the same consideration we would give pokin' ourselves in the eye with a sharp stick.

"Ummm ... to be honest with you, sir," I manage at last, "we was gonna see how things worked out in our first tour of duty before tryin' to reach any decision."

This struck me as a diplomatic answer, as it is not wise to tell a man you think his career choice stinks on ice ... especially when he is in a position of control over your immediate future. For some reason, however, the captain seems to take my response as an encouragin' sign.

"Perhaps I can make the decision a little easier for you," he sez, startin' to scribble in our files. "I'm promoting you both. Nunzio, you're a sergeant now ... and Guido, you're getting another stripe. Of course, we can't have you wandering around town now ... or your squad either, for that matter. It might get our civilian hosts upset. Tell you what. I'm going to transfer you and your squad to Headquarters Staff. There's always opportunity for advancement there. That's all, men. You can go now ... and congratulations!"

I would like nothin' more than a little time to think over this latest development, but it is not to be. Nunzio barely waits until we are clear of the commander's office before he starts on me.