Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

I mention this so that everyone following this adventure will realize what a shock shopping on Perv was to me. The differences were so many, it was almost hard to accept that the same activity was underway in both instances.

For openers, there was the basic layout. The Bazaar is an endless series of stalls and shops that stretch over the horizon in all directions. There are various concentrations of specialty shops, to be sure, but no real pattern and, more important, no way of finding anything without looking. In direct contrast, Pervish shopping is dominated by what Edvik referred to as "department stores." One store could take up an entire city block with as many as six stories crammed full of merchandise. The goods are organized into sections or "departments" and carefully controlled so as not to be in competition with each other. Signs are prominently displayed to tell shoppers where everything is-, though it is still relatively easy to get lost in the maze of aisles and counters. Of course, it also helps if you can read Pervish.

Perhaps the biggest difference, however is in the general attitude toward customers. This was apparent when I made my first stop in the luggage department. There was a good selection of bags and cases there, and the displays were laid out well enough so that I could distinguish between the magikal and non-magikal bags without being able to read the signs. It wasn't even that hard to make my selection. There was a small canvas suitcase roughly the size of a thick attache case which caught my eye both from the simplicity of. the design and the fact that it was magikally endowed. That is, it had a permanent spell on it which made it about three times as large on the inside as it showed on the exterior. It occurred to me it might be a handy item to have, and if I was going to buy something to check into a hotel with, it might as well be something I could actually get some use out of later.

The difficulties started when I was ready to make my purchase. Up to this point, I had been pleasantly surprised that the sales help had left me alone. On Deva, I would have been approached by the proprietor or one of his assistants as soon as I set foot in the display area, and it was kind of nice for a change to browse leisurely without being pressured or having whatever overstock was on sale that day touted to the heavens. Once I had made my selection, however, I found that getting the attention of one of the salesmen was astoundingly difficult.

Standing by the display which featured the bag I wanted, I looked toward the cash register where two salesmen were engrossed in conversation. On Deva, this would have been all that was necessary to have the proprietor swoop down on me, assuming he had given me any room to start with. Here, they didn't seem to notice. Slightly puzzled, I waited a few moments, then cleared my throat noisily. It didn't even earn me a glance.

"Are you coming down with something, Skeeve?" Kalvin said anxiously. "Anything contagious, I mean?"

"No, I'm just trying to signal for one of the salesmen."

"Oh."

The Djin floated a few feet higher to peer toward the cash register.

"It doesn't seem to be working."

"I can see that, Kalvin. The question is, what will?" We waited a few more moments and watched the salesmen in their discussion.

"Maybe you should go over there," the Djin suggested at last.

It seemed strange to pursue a salesman to get him to take my money, but lacking a better idea I wandered over to the sales counter.

... And stood there.

The salesmen finished their discussion of sports and started on dirty jokes.

... And stood there.

Then the subject was the relative merits of the women they were dating. It might have been interesting, not to mention instructional, if I hadn't been getting so annoyed.

"Do you get the feeling I'm not the only one who's invisible?" Kalvin muttered sarcastically. When a Djin who's used to sitting in a bottle for years starts getting impatient, I figure I'm justified in taking action.

"Excuse me," I said firmly, breaking into the conversation. "I'd like to look at that bag over there? The small magik one in green canvas?"

"Go ahead," one of the salesmen shrugged and returned to his conversation.

I stood there for a few more moments in sheer disbelief, then turned and marched back over to the bag. "Now you're starting to move like a Pervect," the Djin observed.

"I don't care,'-‘ I snarled. "And that's Pervert! I've tried to be nice... didn't want to mess up their display... but, if they insist..."

For the next several minutes I took my anger out on the bag, which was probably the safest object to vent my spleen on. I hefted it, swung it over my head, slammed it against the floor a couple times, and did everything else to it I could think of short of climbing inside. I've got to admit the thing was sturdily made. Then again, I was starting to see why goods on Perv had to be tough. The salesmen never favored me with so much as a glance.

"Check me on this, Kalvin," I panted, my exertions finally starting to wear on my endurance. "The price tag on this bag does say 125 gold, doesn't it?" I may not be able to read many written languages, but numbers and prices have never given me any trouble. I guess it comes from hanging around with Aahz as long as I have... not to mention Tananda and Bunny.

"That's the way I read it."

"I mean, that's not exactly cheap. I've seen clerks treat 10-copper items with more concern and respect than these guys are showing. Don't they care?"

"Not so's you'd notice," the Djin agreed.

"Do you think they' d notice if I tried to just tuck it under my arm and walk out without paying? It would be nice to know something can get to these guys."

The Djin glanced around nervously.

"I really don't know, but I don't think you should try."

That cooled me down a bit. I was still in strange territory on a mission, and it was no time to start testing security systems.

"Okay," I growled. "Let's try this again." This time, when I approached the sales counter, I figured I had learned my lesson. No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more waiting around for them to end their discussion. "I'd like to buy that green magik bag, the small canvas one," I said, bursting into their conversation in mid-sentence.

"All right."

The salesman I had first spoken with was halfway to the display before I realized what he was doing. Now that I had his attention, my normal shopping instincts cut in. "Excuse me. I'd like a new case rather than the floor display... and is there any chance you have it in black?" The salesman gave me a long martyred look.

"Just a moment, I'll have to check."

He went slouching off while his partner began wandering aimlessly through the section straightening displays.

"If you don't mind my saying so, Skeeve, I think you're pushing your luck," Kalvin observed.

"Hey, it's worth asking," I shrugged. "Besides, however inconsiderate the help is, this is still a store. There's got to be some interest in giving the customer what he wants." Fifteen minutes later, the salesman still hadn't reappeared and I found my temper was starting to simmer again.

"Um... is it time to say ‘I told you so' yet?" the Djin smirked.

Ignoring him, I intercepted the second salesman.

"Excuse me, how far is it to the storeroom?"

"Why do you ask?" he blinked.

"Well, your partner was checking on something for me, and it's been a while."

The salesman grimaced.

"Who? Him? He's gone on break. He should be back in an hour or so if you'd like to wait."

"What??"

"I suppose I could go look for you, if you'd like. What was it you wanted?"

As I've said before, I may be slow, but I do learn. This was the last salesman in the section and I wasn't about to let him out of my sight.