Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

"Great view, isn't it?" the bellhop said, pulling the shades aside to reveal a window that hadn't been washed since the discovery of fire. At first I thought the curtain rod was sagging, but closer examination showed it had actually been nailed in place crooked.

"This is what you call a great view?"

That comment kind of slipped out despite my resolve. I had just figured out that it wasn't that the window was so dirty I couldn't see out of it. Rather, the view consisted of a blank stone wall maybe an arm's length away. The bellhop didn't seem the least put out by my rhetorical question.

"You should see the view from the first floor," he shrugged. "All the rooms there look out onto the courtyard, which includes the garbage dump. At least this view doesn't have maggots."

My stomach tilted to the left and sank. Swallowing hard, I resolved not to ask any more questions about the room.

"Could you lay off about the view?" Kalvin whined desperately.

"Way ahead of you," I replied.

"How' s that again?" the bellhop said, turning to face me.

"I said, ‘I'll settle for this view,' " I amended hastily.

"Thought you would. No, sir, you don't see many rooms this good at these prices."

I realized he was looking at me expectantly for confirmation.

"I...I've never seen anything like it." He kept looking at me. I cast about in my mind for something vaguely complimentary to say about the room.

"The tip, Skeeve! He's waiting for a tip!"

"Oh! Yes, of course."

I fumbled a few more coins out of my money belt. "Thank you, sir," the bellhop nodded, accepting my offering. "And if you have any more questions, the name's Burgt."

He was heading for the door when it occurred to me I might make further use of his knowledge. "Say... um, Burgt."

"Yes, sir?"

"Is there someplace around here I can get a bite to eat?

Maybe someplace that specializes in off-dimension food?"

"Sure. There's a little place about half a block to your left as you come out of the main entrance. It's called Bandi's. You can't miss it."

That was worth a few extra coins to me. It also gave me an idea.

"Say, Burgt, I've heard you bellhops have a bit of an information network. Is that true?"

The bellhop eyed the coins I was pouring back and forth from hand to hand.

"Sort of," he admitted. "It depends on what kind of information you're looking for."

"Well, I'm looking for a guy, name of Aahz. Would have hit town in the last couple of days. If you or any of your friends should find out where he is and let me know, I'd be real appreciative. Get me?"

I let the coins pour into his uniform pocket. "Yes, sir. Aahz, was it? I'll spread the word and see what we can turn up."

He departed hastily, shutting the door firmly but quietly behind him.

"You did that very well, Skeeve," Kalvin said.

"What? Oh. Thanks, Kalvin."

"Really. You looked just like a gangster paying off an informant."

I guess my work with the Mob had influenced me more than I had realized. It wasn't a line of conversation I wanted to pursue too far, though.

"Just something I picked up," I said casually, pocketing the room key. "Come on. Let's try to find something eatable in this dimension."

"... On the street where you live."

-QUOTE FROM AN ANONYMOUS EXTORTION NOTE

I HAD THOUGHT the streets of Perv were intimidating walking or riding through them by day. At night, they were a whole new world. I didn't know if I should be frightened or depressed, but one thing I knew I wasn't was comfortable. It wasn't that I was alone. There were a lot of Pervects on the street, and of course Kalvin was still with me. It's just that there is some company to which being alone is preferable. Kalvin's company was, of course, welcome... which should narrow it down for even the most casual reader as to exactly what the source of my discomfort was. The Pervects. (Very good! Move to the head of the class.) Now, saying one felt uncomfortable around Pervects may sound redundant. As has been noted, the entire dimension is not renowned for its sociability, much less its hospitality. What I learned on the streets that night, however, is that there are Pervects and there are Pervects.

Most of the natives I had dealt with up to this point had been just plain folk... only nasty. In general, they seemed

"If my mother cooked like that, we would have gotten rid of her... even earlier than we did," Kalvin declared bluntly.

Curious comment, that.

"You can't tell me you like this," he insisted. "I mean, you may be a little strange, but you're still a sentient being."

"So are the Pervects."

"I'm willing to debate that... more than ever, now that I'm getting a feel for what they eat. You're avoiding the question, though. Are you really going to eat any of this stuff?"

I decided the joke had gone far enough. "Not on a bet!" I admitted in a whisper. "If you watch closely, you'll see that some of the food actually crawls out of the bowl."

"I'd rather not!" Kalvin said, averting his eyes. "Seriously, Skeeve, if you aren't going to eat anything, why are we here?"

"Oh, I'm going to try to get something to eat. Just nothing they would prepare for the natives. That's why I was hunting for a place that served food from—and therefore, hopefully, stomachable by—off-world and off-worlders." The Djin was unimpressed.

"I don't care where the recipe comes from. You're telling me you're going to take something that's been prepared in this kitchen and been in proximity with other dishes that stink the way these do, and then put it in your mouth? Maybe we should debate your qualifications as an intelligent being."

Looking at it that way, he had a point. Suddenly I didn't feel as clever as I had a few moments before.

"Cahn I help you, sir?'

The Pervect who materialized at my elbow was as stiffly formal as anything I'd seen that wasn't perched on a wedding cake. He had somehow mastered the technique of being subservient while still looking down on you. And they say that waiters can't be trained!

"Well, we... that is, I..."

"Ah! A Tah-bul for one!"

Actually, I had been preparing to beat a retreat, but this guy wasn't about to leave me that choice. Chairs and tables seemed to part in his path as he swept off through the diners like a sailing ship through algae, drawing me along in his wake. Heads turned and murmurs started as we passed. If they were trying to figure out where they had seen me before, it could take a lot of talking.

"I wish I had thought to dress," I murmured to Kalvin. "This is a pretty classy place. I'm surprised they let me in without a tie."

The Djin shot me a look.

"I don't know how to say this, Skeeve, but you are dressed, and you are wearing a tie."

"Oh! Right."

I had forgotten I had altered my disguise spell in the taxi. One of the problems with the disguise spell is that I can't see the results myself. While I've gotten to a point where I can maintain the illusion without giving it a lot of conscious thought, it also means I occasionally forget what the appearance I'm maintaining really is.

I plopped down in the chair being held for me, but waved off the offered menu.

"I understand you serve dishes from off-dimension?"

The Pervect gave a little half-bow.

" Yas. Ve haff a wide selection for the most discriminating taste."

I nodded knowingly.

"Then just have the waiter bring me something Klahdish... and a decent wine to go with it."

"Very good. Sir."

He faded discreetly from view, leaving me to study our fellow diners. It was too much to hope that coincidence would lead Aahz to the same dining room, but it didn't hurt to look.

"You handled that pretty smoothly."

"What's that, Kalvin? Oh. The ordering. Thank you."