Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

tious when you did the shopping instead of stocking up

on junk food...."

"Oh, don't worry about me. Hairy and Handsome,"

Massha interceded smoothly, dropping into her vamp

role. "I've got no problems discussing my body, as long

as we get equal time to talk about yours. I've always

liked my men with a lot of facial hair, if you get my

drift."

I noticed Idnew's ears flatten for a moment before

returning to their normal upright position. While it may

have been nothing more than a nervous twitch, it oc-

curred to me that if we were going to solicit help from

these two, it might not be wise to fan any embers of

jealousy that might be lying about.

"Tell me," I said hastily, eager to get the subject

away from Massha's obvious admiration of Drahcir,

"What got you started campaigning for better relation-

ships between humans and werewolves?"

82 Robert Asprin

"Well, there were many factors involved," Drahcir

explained, dropping into the lecturer mode I had grown

to know so well in such a short time. "I think the most

important thing to keep in mind is that the bad reputa-

tion humans have is vastly overrated. There is actually

very little documented evidence to support the legends

of human misconduct. For the most part, werewolves

tend to forget that, under the proper conditions, we turn

into humans. Most of them are afraid or embarrassed

and hide themselves away until it passes, but Idnew and

I don't. If anything we generally seize the opportunity

to go out and about and get the public used to seeing

harmless humans in their midst. Just between us,

though, I think Idnew here likes to do it because it

scares the hell out of folks to be suddenly confronted by

a human when they aren't expecting it. In case you

haven't noticed, there's a strong exhibitionist streak in

my wife. For myself, it's simply a worthy cause that's

been neglected for far too long."

"The other factor, which my husband has neglected

to mention," Idnew put in impishly, "is that there's a

lot of money in it."

"There is? "I asked.

My work with Aahz had trained me to spot profit op-

portunities where others saw none, but this time the

specific angle had eluded me.

"There... umm ... are certain revenues to be

gleaned from our campaign," Drahcir said uneasily,

shooting a dark glance at his wife. "T-shirts, bumper

stickers, lead miniatures, fan club dues, greeting cards,

and calendars, just to name a few. It's a dirty job, but

somebody's got to do it. Lest my wife leave you with the

wrong impression of me, however, let me point out that

I'm supporting this particular cause because I really

believe in it. There are lots of ways to make money."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 83

"... and he knows them all, don't you dear?" Idnew

said with a smile.

"Really?" I interrupted eagerly. "Would you mind

running over a few? Could I take notes?"

"Before you get carried away, High Roller," Massha

warned, "remember why we came here originally."

"Oh! Right! Thanks, Massha. For a minute there I

... Right!"

It took me a few seconds to rechannel my thoughts.

While Aahz's training has gotten me out of a lot of tight

spots and generally improved my standard of living,

there are some unfortunate side effects.

Once I got my mind back on the right track, I quickly

filled the werewolves in on our current problem. I kept

the details sketchy, both because I was getting tired of

going back and forth over the same beginning, and to

keep from having to elaborate on Luanna's part in caus-

ing our dilemma. Still, the Woof Writers seemed quite

enthralled by the tale, and listened attentively until I was

done.

"Gee, you're really in a spot," Idnew said when I

finally ground to a halt. "If there's anything we can do

to help...."

"We can't," Drahcir told us firmly. "You're behind

on your deadlines, Idnew, and I've got three more ap-

pearances this month... not to mention answering the

mail that's piled up the last two weekends I've been

gone."

"Drahcir...." Idnew said, drawing out his name.

"Don't look at me like that, dear," her husband

argued before she had even started her case, "and don't

cock your head, either. Someone's liable to shove a

gramophone under it. Remember, you're the one who

keeps pointing out that we have to put more time into

our work."

84

Robert Asprin

"I was talking about cutting back on your personal

appearances," Idnew argued. "Besides, this is impor-

tant."

"So's meeting our deadlines. I'm as sympathetic to

their problem as you are, but we can't let the plight of

one small group of humans interfere with our work on

the big picture."

"But you're the one who insists that deadlines aren't

as important as...."

She broke off suddenly and semaphored her ears

toward her husband.

"Wait a minute. Any time you start talking about

'big pictures' and 'grand crusades'... is our bank ac-

count low again?"

Drahcir averted his eyes and shifted his feet uncom-

fortably.

"Well, I was going to tell you, but I was afraid it

might distract you while you were trying to work. ..."

"All right. Let's have it," his wife growled, her

hackles rising slightly. "What is it you've invested our

money in this time?''

I was suddenly very uncomfortable. Our little discus-

sion seemed to be dissolving into a family fight I felt I

had no business being present for. Apparently Massha

felt the same thing.

"Well, if you can't help us, that's that," she said, get-

ting to her feet. "No problem. A favor's not a favor if

you have to be argued into it. C'mon, Hot Stuff. We're

wasting our time and theirs."

Though in part I agreed with her, desperation

prompted me to make one last try.

"Not so fast, Massha. Drahcir is right. Time's

money. Maybe we could work out some kind of a fee to

compensate them for their time in helping us. Then it's

not a favor, it's a business deal. Face it, we really need

MYTH-ING PERSONS 85

their help in this. The odds of us finding this Vic char-

acter on our own are pretty slim."

Aahz would have fainted dead away if he had heard

me admitting how much we needed help before the fee

was set, but that reaction was nothing compared to how

the Woof Writers took my offer.

"What did you say?" Drahcir demanded, rising to all

fours with his ears back.

"I said that maybe you'd help us if we offered to pay

you," I repeated, backing away slightly. "I didn't mean

to insult you...."

"You can't insult Drahcir with money," his wife

snapped. "He meant what did you say about Vic?"

"Didn't I mention him before?" I frowned. "He's

the vampire that Aahz is supposed to have...."

There was a sudden loud flapping sound in the rafters

above our heads, like someone noisily shaking a news-

paper to scare a cat off a table. It worked . .. not on the

cat (I don't think the werewolves owned one) but on

Massha and me. My apprentice hit the floor, covering

her head with her hands, while I, more used to sudden

danger and being more svelte and agile, dove beneath

the coffee table.

By the time we recovered from our panicky ... excuse

me, our shrewd defensive maneuvers, there was nothing

to see except the vague shape of someone with huge

wings disappearing out the front door.