Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

pretty and I don't like it, but that's the way things are."

"We could fix it so you like it a lot less!" Guido said

darkly, reaching into his coat.

"Stop it, Guido," I ordered. "Let's not forget the

help Vilhelm's already given us. It's a lot more than we

MYTH-ING PERSONS 63

expected to get when we first came into this dimension,

so don't go making enemies out of the only friend we*ve

got locally. Okay?"

The bodyguard sank back into his chair, muttering

something I was just as glad I didn't hear, but his hand

came out of his coat empty and stayed in sight.

"So what do we do now. Hot Stuff?" Massha sighed.

"The only thing I can think of is to try to locate those

witnesses before the execution date," I said. "What I

can't figure is how to go about looking without getting

half the town down on our necks."

"What we really need is a bloodhound," Guido

grumbled.

"Say, that's not a bad idea!" Vilhelm exclaimed,

coming to life. "Maybe I can help you after all!"

"You got a bloodhound?" the bodyguard said, rais-

ing his eyebrows.

"Even better," the vampire declared. "I don't know

why I didn't think of it before. The ones you need to get

in touch with are the Woof Writers."

I studied him-carefully to see if this were some kind of

joke.

"The Woof Writers?" I repeated at last.

"Well, that's what we in Blut call them behind their

backs. Actually, they're a husband-wife team of were-

wolves who are on a big crusade to raise sympathy for

humans."

"Werewolves," I said carefully.

"Sure. We got all kinds here in Limbo. Anyway, if

anyone in this dimension will be willing to stick their

necks out for you, they're the ones. They do their own

thing and don't really give a hang what any of the other

locals think about it. Besides, werewolves are second to

none when it comes to sniffing out a trail."

"Werewolves."

64 Robert Asprin

Vilhelmcocked his head at me curiously.

"Am I imagining things, Skeeve, or didn't you just

say that?"

"What's more," Massha smiled sweetly, "he'll prob-

ably say it again. It bears repeating."

"Werewolves," I said again, just to support my ap-

prentice.

"Boss," Guido began, "I don't want to say this, but

nobody said anything about werewolves when we...."

"Good," I interrupted brusquely. "You don't want

to say it, and I don't want to hear it. Now that we're in

agreement, let's just pass on it and...."

"But Boss! We can't team up with werewolves."

"Guido, we just went over this. We're in a tight spot

and in a strange dimension. We can't afford to be

choosy about our allies."

"You don't understand. Boss. I'm allergic to 'em!"

I sank down into a chair and hid my face in my hands.

"I thought you were allergic to garlic," I said through

my fingers.

"That. too," the bodyguard said. "But mostly I'm

allergic to furry things like kitties or fur coats or...."

"... or werewolves," Massha finished for him.

"Frankly, Dark and Deadly, one starts to wonder how

you've been able to function effectively all these years."

"Hey, it doesn't come up all that often, know what I

mean?" Guido argued defensively. "How many times

have .you been attacked by somethin' furry?"

"Not as often as I'd like!" Massha leered.

"Enough, you two," I ordered, raising my head.

"Guido, have you ever actually been near a werewolf?"

"Well, no. But...."

"Then until we know for sure, we'll assume you're

not allergic to them. Okay? Vilhelm, exactly where do

we find these Woof Writers of yours?"

"First, let's decide who's leading and

who's following."

—F. ASTAIRE

"BOSS, just where the hell is Pahkipsee?"

I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spent

most of their time complaining, or if I had just gotten

lucky.

"Look, Guido. You were there and heard the same

instructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be just

up the road here a couple more miles."

"... 'a rather dead bedroom community, fit only for

those not up to the fast-lane life-style of the big city,' "

Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire's

voice.

Guido snickered rudely.

"Why do I get the feeling you didn't particularly

warm to Vilhelm, Massha?" I suppressed a grin of my

own.

"Maybe it's because he's the only guy we've met she

hasn't made a pass at?" Guido suggested.

Massha favored him with an extended tongue and

65

66 Robert Asprin

crossed eyes before answering.

"Oh, Vilhelm's okay," she said. "Kinda cute, too

... at least the top of his head was. And he did admit

that in general vampires were more partial to cities and

parties while werewolves preferred the back-to-nature

atmosphere of rural living. I just didn't like the crack,

that's all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Country

breakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramic

physique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn't

trust a smiling vampire. ... or at least you shouldn't

trust him too far."

I had been about to mention the fact that I had grown

up on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obvi-

ously, farm food hadn't particularly affected my phy-

sique, and I didn't want to rob my apprentice of her

excuse.

"If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would have

had to do was blow the whistle on us while we were still

in town," I pointed out. "Let's just take things at face

value and assume he was really being as nice as he

seemed ... for all our peace of minds."

I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were a

long way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm had

wanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn't

have picked a better direction to start us off in.

"Yeah, well I'd feel a lot better if we weren't being

followed," Guido grumbled.

I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha ... in her

tracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble into

us before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.

"What is it, Boss? Something wrong?"

"For a minute there, I thought I heard you say that

we were being followed."

"Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher's. Why does. ..

you mean you didn't know?"

MYTH-ING PERSONS 67

I resisted an impulse to throttle him.

"No, Guido. I didn't know. You see, my bodyguard

didn't tell me. He was too busy complaining about the

road conditions to have time to mention anything as

trivial as someone following us."

Guido took a few shaky steps backward.

"Hey! C'mon, Boss. Don't be like that. I thought

you knew! Honest. Whoever's back there isn't doin'

such a hot job of hiding the fact that they're dogging

our trail. Any idiot could've spotted ... I mean...."

"Keep going, Dark and Deadly," Massha urged.

"You're digging yourself in further with every word, in

case you hadn't noticed."

With great effort I brought myself back under con-

trol.

"Whatever," I said. "I don't suppose you have any

idea who it is?"

"Naw. There's only one of 'em. Unless...."

His voice trailed off into silence and he looked sud-

denly worried.

"Out with it, Guido. Unless what?"

"Well, sometimes when you're getting really tricky

about tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punk

out front so's they can be spotted while you keep your

real ace-hitter hidden. I hadn't stopped to think of that