Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

one side of his head and grabbed another.

"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on

when she's done...."

The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the

first and he reached for yet another.

"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to

Massha, "but what's he doing?"

"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a

fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one

end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you

and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an

answer."

By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-

ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like

he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to

be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then

54 Robert Asprin

another, apparently keeping multiple conversations

going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of

balls.

"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you

think we could get some of these for our place at the

Bazaar?"

"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're

worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're

spending all your time on the phone talking to people

and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since

they broke up the corporation...."

"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping

down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you

definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've

got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what

they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"

"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake

here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness

before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find

a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have

who may be here in town.''

He blinked several times as this news sank in. He

started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-

tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.

"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can

come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on

someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.

You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie

or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little

something to go on, you know."

He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to

do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could

think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to

join the conversation.

"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 55

Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"

As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be

better than mine. The little vampire brightened notice-

ably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he

launched into his narration.

"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...

you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,

like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that

aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a com-

bination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and

missing persons bureau."

"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-

self.

"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it

dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're

you from that you didn't know that?"

Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the sub-

ject of our place of origin.

"Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He's

new in town, like us."

"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. I

get a little carried away sometimes when I talk about my

work. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard to

locate. We don't get that many visitors."

"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before I

realized what she was going to say.

"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsider

in jail right now is. ... Say! Now I recognize you! The

eyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren't

you?"

"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing

vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozen

dimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, who

features you in his most frequent nightmares. You, a

dragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that

56 Robert Asprin

the current resident in our fair jail is none other than

your sidekick Aahz?"

"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert... but ex-

cept for that you're right. That's my partner you've got

locked up there, and we aim to get him out."

I was probably talking too much, but being recog-

nized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown me

off balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem all

that hostile at the discovery. More curious than any-

thing else.

"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meet

you in person. Sometime you must tell me what you did

to that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hit

parade of nightmares."

"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.

"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"

"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but a

murderer isn't one of them."

"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm

shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire get-

up. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."

"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be the

local uniform."

"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair

... free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots of

questions about the other dimensions. Maybe we can

trade a little information while you're here."

"I don't see anything thrilling about it!""

—M. JACKSON

"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I de-

clared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.

"Funny," he smiled in return, "I was about to say

the same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fields

said about water!"

"No. What?"

"Now let me get this straight," Guido interrupted

before I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vam-

pire guys don't really drink blood from people?"

"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug.

"But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some say

it's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuff

myself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varieties

any night."

We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's office

at this point, sipping our respective drinks and getting

into a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido in

off door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my

57

58 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 59

energy reserve wasn't being drained.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling

from one to the other. Then he put them all down and

announced that he had them on "hold," a curious ex-

pression since it was the first time in half an hour he

hadn't been holding one.

Vilhelm himself was turning out to be a priceless

source of information, and, as promised, had a seem-

ingly insatiable curiosity about otherworldly things.

"Then how do you account for all the vampire leg-

ends around the other dimensions," Massha said skepti-

cally.

The Dispatcher made a face.

"First of all, you've got to realize who you're dealing

with. Most of the ones who do extensive touring outside

of Limbo are 'old money' types. We're talking about

the idle rich ... and that usually equates to bored thrill-