Robert Asprin - Something MYTH Inc

"Remember me?" I sez.

"Umm ... Sure. You're the guy who was in here before with a couple ... friends. Right?" he stammers.

"Close, but no cigar," I sez, makin my way slowly up to the assemblage. "I'm the guy you was gonna find out some information for. Information about the bandits in the forest. Ring a bell?"

"Umm ... We'll be going now, Robb," one of the guys in the shop sez, edgin' toward the door.

"I don't think so," I sez. "Nunzio!"

"Got 'em, Guido," my cousin sez, leanin' in the doorway.

The group of guys looks at him, then take up a position as far as they can get from either Nunzio or myself.

I turns back to the guy behind the counter.

"You was about to say?"

"Uh... Of course," he sez, backin' away from the counter. "I've done some asking around, and ..."

"From what I've heard, you wouldn't have had to ask to far now, would you?" I sez, leanin' on the counter and showin' a few teeth. "Like, no farther than who's standin' in this shop right now. Am I right?"

"Well... um ..." the guy stammers.

I hold up a hand to silence him.

"Before you say anythin'," I sez. "Let's be sure we understand each other. Now, by this time you have figured out that, in our line of work, my colleague and I occasionally have to hurt people. Right?"

He nods vigorously.

"That's part of the job, and we do it. Nothin' personal." I leans in a little closer. "If, however, said hurtee has insulted my intelligence by lyin' to me, then it makes me mad and I do take it personally. Know what I mean?"

The guy swallows hard, then nods again.

"Now, keepin' that in mind, let's continue the conversation. I was sayin' that you wouldn't have to ask further than the guys here in the shop to get information about the bandits in the forest, and you was about to agree. Right?"

The guy looks at his friends, then he looks at Nunzio and me, then drops his eyes and nods.

"I didn't quite hear mat," I sez.

The guy nods more vigorously.

I look over at Nunzio, who kind of shrugs helplessly.

This could take a while. Unfortunately, we don't have whole bunches of time. If we don't settle this quick, the other team members are gonna come lookin' for us.

Tell you what... Robb, is it?" I sez. "What say I just tell you what's been goin' on, and you just point out any parts that I get wrong. Okay?"

Again, the weak nod.

"First off, we know you and your buddies here are involved with the bandits," I sez. "Whether mis here is the whole gang or you're just a part of it doesn't matter right now. For our purposes, you're it. Right?"

Swallow and nod.

"What's more," I sez, "the way we've got it figured, you've been usin' part of the loot to pay off me locals hereabouts so they'll cover for you."

"No, we haven't," me guy sez, finally findin' his voice.

"Excuse me?" I sez, cockin' an eyebrow at him.

"Paying off the locals, I mean," he sez, quick-like. "I won't say it isn't a good idea, but it never occurred to us. We've been keeping it all."

This presents a problem. I mean, our whole idea of lookin' these jokers up is to use them to redistribute the Boss's gold. Clearly I am gonna have to think of a way to revise our plan whilst in mid-negotiation.

"Whatever," I sez. "Now, what we're lookin' for here is a plan so's we can all eat out of the same bowl. Like, say, maybe we finance your operation in exchange for a small percentage of the take."

"Don't do it, Robb."

The guy now talkin' is a skinny, red-headed dude who is suddenly lookin' very serious instead of scared.

"Why not, Will?" sez Robb. "It could be the perfect solution to our ... predicament."

"It would be putting our head in a noose," the redhead sez. "So far, all they have is hearsay. If we accept money from them, then it's a clear admission of what we're doing, and they'll have grounds to arrest us. If we try to say that we were just kidding, then they can nail us for fraud. Either way, taking their money would be a bad idea."

It occurs to me that this guy is soundin' a lot like a lawyer, which is a whole different sub-species of bandit than the type I had been figurin' on dealin' with.

"And what about the Game Preserve?" puts in another of the group.

"What about it?" I sez, now thoroughly confused.

"You know, the plans to sell the Royal Game Preserve off to the lumber companies," he sez.

"What plans?" I sez. "You know anything about this, Nunzio?

"It's news to me," Nunzio sez. "Sounds like the kind of thing that Grimble would come up with, though. Odds are the Boss doesn't even know about it, what with all the stuff they've been having him sign."

"There! You see! I knew it!" the red-head chimes in. "These guys are working for the kingdom. This whole act has been nothing but a sting operation. It's a clear case of entrapment."

This meetin' has gotten completely out of control. It comes to me that there is only one way out of this mess. "Shaddup, alla youse!" I bellow.

Everybody freezes and looks at me.

"I am hereby declarin' all of youse to be members of the Sherwood Arms Grievance Committee. What's more," I pause to give them all a smile, "your first duty is to accompany us back to the Royal Palace so's you can present your problems to the Boss ... I mean, the Great Skeeve personally."

Surprisingly enough, the trip back to the palace is extremely pleasant.

We have allowed the Sherwood Arms delegation to keep their bows, just to prove to them that they are not bein' arrested, and once they loosen up, they prove to be the nicest travelin' companions one could ask for. They are always chatterin' back and forth with jokes and stories about their huntin' trips and life in the suburbs, and one of them is actually some sort of entertainer who fills in the low spots with songs and stand-up comedy routines.

Then, too, there is the ongoin' archery contest. From the get-go, they are fascinated by the custom mini-crossbows that Nunzio and I are carryin', which in no time develops into a shootin' match, with us pickin' targets at random on the road ahead to aim at as we walk. This is really no contest at all, as the Nunzio and I can easily outshoot any of them, even when we rigs the match a bit by shootin' first so that by the time they take their turn, the targets are considerably closer. Finally, we end up passin' our weapons to Spyder and Pookie, but even then the match is one-sided. Once they get the hang of the hair-triggers, they are also makin' the delegates look bad. Fortunately, the Sherwood boys don't take offense at this. In fact, they take to cheerin' the good shots and needlin' each other when they miss.

"I say, old boy," Chumley sez, fallin' in step with me as we walk. He, like Pookie, is still usin' a disguise spell to make him look like a local so as not to spook our guests. "Do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean, the whole point of this exercise has been to investigate and handle the situation without bothering Skeeve. Now, we're effectively bringing it back and dumping it in his lap unannounced."

This question, and variations on it, has been the most popular subject of conversation among the team since I decided to bring the bandits back to the palace to meet the Boss. Every one of them, as we were travelin', has pulled me aside out of earshot of the delegation to ask, in varyin' degrees of politeness, if I know what I am doin'.

"I figure it's our best shot to straighten out this mess," I sez. "These boys have it in their head that the Boss is some kind of power-mad monster who's out to take the kingdom away from the Queen. Now, you know the Boss. Do you really think that anyone can talk to him for more than a few minutes and still keep that impression?"

"He's likeable enough, all right," Chumley sez. "But he can have a bit of a temper, too. I just hope we catch him in a good mood. Oh well. I guess we're committed now. We'll just have to muddle through somehow."