Robert Asprin - Something MYTH Inc

"What? You think I'd make something like this up?" Nunzio sez, a little hurt. "I'm telling you the Boss made a point of asking me if I thought he drank too much. What's more, when I tried to hem and haw my way out of answering, he kept pushing and insisting that I give him an honest answer."

"Well, is he? Drinkin' too much, I mean," I sez.

"I really never thought about it," Nunzio sez. "I mean, sure he drinks. And he's been drinking more since he and Aahz got back from Perv. But how much is too much? Know what I mean? And why should he ask me?"

"Yeah," I sez. "Weird."

We are both ponderin' this in silence when there is a knock on the door and Aahz pokes his head into the room.

"Good," he sez. "I caught you both here. It's payday, boys. Thought I'd bring yours up since I was headed this way."

With that, he tosses us each a small sack of gold. I say 'small' in that it isn't one of the big bags like the tax collectors use. More like the size of my fist. Realizin', however, the size of my fist, the amount of gold bein' given us is far from paltry.

I glance over at Nunzio, and see that he is as surprised as I am.

"Ummm... Did we get a raise or something that I missed hearin' about?" I sez, heftin' the sack in my hand.

"Extra pay for the whole crew for helping out the kingdom," Aahz sez with a wink. "Bunny negotiated it."

"Nice," Nunzio sez, his eyebrows still up.

"Yeah. Well, thanks Aahz," I sez.

"No trouble," he sez. "By the way, I wouldn't want to try to tell you your business as bodyguards, but you might want to wander down to Grimble's."

"What's up?"

"I just sent Skeeve down there to pick up his pay, and believe me, it's more than ours put together. That's an awful lot of gold for him to be carrying around unescorted."

We are waitin' when the Boss emerges from Grimble's office. As Aahz predicted, the sack he is carryin' is substantially larger than the ones given to Nunzio and me, to a point where he is usin' two hands to carry it.

He strides on past us without so much as a 'Hello,' which, to say the least, is quite unlike him.

Nunzio and I exchange glances, then fall in behind him. Truth to tell, I do not think he is even aware we are there. He just marches along kind of mutterin' to himself without lookin' either left or right. Naturally, the procession we are makin' draws a certain amount of attention, but the people who notice us take one look at the Boss's expression and leave us alone.

The silence lasts until we reach the door of the Boss's room. Then, as he's openin' the door, he seems to notice us for the first time, raisin' his eyebrows like we had just interrupted him in the middle of something.

"You gonna want us for anything, Boss?" I sez, just to start the conversation. "You want we should wait around out here?"

"Whatever, Guido," he sez with a wave, not even lookin' at us. "I'm going to be here for a while, though, if you want to get something to eat. I've got a lot to think over."

Now, even though we have gotten him safely back to his room, I find I am not wild about leavin' him alone.

"Oh, we already ate," I sez. "So we'll just..."

I realize at this point that I am talkin' to the door, which the Boss has just shut in my face.

"... Set fire to the palace and roast a couple hot dogs," I finish with a grimace.

"See what I mean?" Nunzio sez. "This is the way it's been around here since you left for your assignment. Sometimes he talks your ear off, and then the next time you see him, it's like you don't exist."

"He does seem a little distracted," I sez.

"A little distracted?" Nunzio shoots back. "If he was any more out of it, he wouldn't know if he was wearing his clothes backward."

"Check me on this, cuz," I sez, ignorin' his attempts at humor. "Have you ever seen anyone so upset just after pickin' up their pay?"

"Not really, now that you mention it," he sez, frownin' slightly. "It was like something about getting paid upset him. You think maybe they shorted him with extra deductions?"

"C'mon, Nunzio," I sez. "Who's gonna short him? The Queen is tryin' to get him to marry her and Grimble is scared to death of him. Besides, did you see the size of that bag? He could barely carry it. That sure didn't look like a short payday to me."

"Well, something has him upset," Nunzio sez. "Maybe Grimble said something to him that hit him wrong."

We was still talkin' about this when the Boss opens his door.

"Guido! Nunzio!" he sez. "Come in here for a second."

We follow him into the room, and he sits down at his desk, the sack with his pay in it still on the desktop in front of him.

"I've got a little assignment for you boys," he sez with a smile.

"Sure, Boss," we say together.

"But first, I want to check something. As long as I've known you, you've both made it clear that, in the past, you've had no qualms about bending the rules as situations called for it—working outside the law, as it were. Is that correct?"

"That's right."

"No problem."

"All right. The job I have for you is to be done secretly, without anybody knowing that I'm behind it. Not even Aahz or Bunny. Understand?"

Now, this does not sound good. I haven't been all that happy keepin' the real reason for my investigations from the Boss, but him includin' me and Nunzio in secrets he is keepin' from Aahz and the rest of the team is downright creepy.

Still, I hide my discomfort and nod.

"Okay. Here's the job," he sez, pushin' the bag forward. "I want you to take this money and get rid of it."

To say the least, this is an unusual concept. I sneak a peek at Nunzio to see how he's reactin', only to find him lookin' back at me.

"I don't quite get you, Boss," I sez, careful-Iike. "What do you want us to do with it?"

"I don't care and I don't want to know," he sez. "I just want this money back in circulation within the kingdom. Spend it or give it to charity. Better still, figure some way of passing it around to those people who have been complaining that they can't pay their taxes."

I am extremely confused at this. I look openly at Nun-zio for help, but he just shrugs.

"I dunno, Boss," I sez finally. "It don't seem right, somehow. I mean, we're supposed to be collectin' taxes from people ... not givin' it to them."

"What Guido means," Nunzio sez, "is that our speciality is extractin' funds from people and institutions. Gi-vin' it back is a little out of our line."

"Well then I guess it's about time you expanded your horizons," the Boss sez, firm-like. "Anyway, that's the assignment. Understand?"

There's only one acceptable answer to that.

"Yes, Boss," we sez together, but not real enthusiastic.

"And remember, not a word about this to the rest of the team."

"If you say so, Boss."

I pick up the bag with my good hand. It is impressively heavy, and I decide to give it one more try.

"Ummm ... Are you sure you want to do this, Boss?" I sez. "It don't seem right, somehow. Most folks would have to work for a lifetime to earn this much money."

"That's the point," he sez, almost to himself.

"Huh?"

"Never mind," he sez. "I'm sure. Now do it. Okay?"

"Consider it done."

Neither of us said anything until we were back in Nun-zio's room, each of us lost in his own thoughts. Once we were there, I dropped the sack of gold onto his bed and plopped down in a chair.

Nunzio remained standin'.

"Okay," he sez, breakin' the silence. "So what do you think?"

"I think we gotta find a couple money belts or saddle bags or somethin' to carry that gold around," I sez. "Haulin' it in that bag is not only an open invitation to trouble, it's hard on the back."

"That's it?" Nunzio sez, his squeaky voice climbin' an octave. "With everything that's happening, all you can think about is your back?"