Robert Asprin - Something MYTH Inc

"What do you want me to say?" I snaps back at him. "That the Boss has gone round the bend? That he's so far gone in foo-foo land that he'd need a map to find his way back?"

"Well, yeah," Nunzio sez, taken a bit aback by my outburst. "He is, isn't he?"

"That's so obvious, it goes without sayin'," I sez, drop-pin' my voice back to normal. "I mean, really. 'Give the money away.' No wonder he wanted us to keep it secret. If Aahz found out, he'd have a heart attack on the spot."

"So, what are we supposed to do?"

"Do?" I sez. "Didn't you hear? We're supposed to take his pay and re-distribute it to the needy."

"But that's crazy!!"

"So what's your point?" I sez. "How long have you worked for the Mob? You're gonna try to tell me you've never had to take orders from a crazy person before?"

"C'mon, Guido," Nunzio sez. "It's Skeeve we're talking about here. Not some power-hungry Mob underboss."

Now this is truly an indication of how upset my cousin is. In all the years we've worked together, this is the first time I've known him to lose his professionalism to a point where he referred to our immediate superior by his proper name rather than the generic phrase 'the Boss.' That meant that he was so fond of Skeeve as a person that he was forgettin' to maintain that emotional distance necessary for someone in our line of work. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one.

"I know what you mean, cousin," I sez, quiet-like. "The trouble is, I don't see as where we have a lot of options right now. I mean, what can we do? If we ignore this assignment, then we're goin' against a direct order. If we try to alert the rest of the team as to what's goin' on with Skeeve, then we're goin' against his direct orders to keep it a secret. Besides, I've got a hunch that they already know how close Skeeve is to losin' it. Most of them have known him better and for a lot longer than we have."

We look at each other in silence for a few moments.

"I guess that brings us to my original question," Nunzio sez with a sigh. "What are we gonna do?"

"What we always do," I sez. "We're gonna follow orders. Of course, if we clear up a few of the Boss's other problems at the same time, that'll just be a bonus. Right?"

"That sounds like you've got an idea, cuz," Nunzio sez, cockin' an eyebrow at me.

"As a matter of fact, I do," I sez, showin' a few extra teeth in a smile. "When it comes to passin' money back to the populace, I think I know just the crew to help us. The fact that they're currently on our list as problem children just makes it all the sweeter."

I manage to appear confident enough that by the time I get done outlinin' what I have in mind, Nunzio is smilin', too.

What I manage to keep hidden from him is my real worry about the current situation. However it all comes out in the end, my readin' of this convoluted job and the effect it's havin' on Skeeve and the rest of the team is that we'll never again be able to get back to how we were before.

"You're sure about this?" I sez, starin' at the sporting goods shop.

"As sure as one can be about anything without a full confession," Pookie sez.

It occurs to me that I could tell her a thing or two about confessions, but I let it pass. Such discussions would only confuse the issues at hand.

We were back at the Sherwood Arms subdivision, where Nunzio and I caught up with Pookie, Spyder, and Chumley. While I couldn't tell them the exact nature of our assignment from the Boss, I felt it was necessary to let them know we was in the area, just so's we didn't look suspicious if we ran into them by accident. All I said was things was heatin' up back at the palace, and that it would be best if we could conclude our business with the bandits in the forest ASAP so's we could get back and give the Boss our undivided attention. Chumley gave me a bit of the fish-eye, but Pookie and Spyder bought the explanation without question.

As it turned out, however, they had developed a solid lead on the bandits.

"Tell me again how you figured this out," I sez.

"Actually, it was Spyder who came up with it," Pookie sez. "Why don't you explain it, little sister?"

"It was nothing, really," Spyder sez. "I got to thinking about the fact that they were attacking the tax collectors with bows. Unless you're real good with one of those things, that means a lot of arrows, and unless you're big on making the things yourself, that means a supply source. Remember how many crossbow bolts we had on stock when we were running the supply depot?"

I just nodded and gestured for her to continue.

"Well, I did a little checking around, and it seems the only place that stocks arrows in quantity in these parts is that shop you were in the first time we were here."

"That would explain why that guy was so closed-mouthed when you leaned on him, Guido," Pookie put in. "If he's making money supplying the bandits, the last thing he would want would be for us to shut them down."

"There's more to it than that," Spyder sez. "We've been keeping a watch on the place and there's about half a dozen guys who are in and out of there all the time. They aren't purchasing or delivering anything. It's like they're meeting or getting assignments or something."

"You're sure they haven't spotted you staking the place out?" Nunzio sez.

"Not a chance, old boy," Chumley puts in. "We've been taking turns and using disguise spells to alter our appearance. They're blissfully ignorant that we're onto them."

"They got any kind of a schedule on these meetin's?" I sez.

"Nothing regular," Pookie sez. "But there's a bunch of them in there right now."

That's all I need to hear.

"Well, Nunzio," I sez, settling my weapons on my belt, "let's you and me wander over there and have a little chat with them."

"You want some help or any kind of disguises?" Pookie sez.

"I think we'll play this as a come-as-you-are-party," I sez. "The rest of you stay out of sight for now. If our play doesn't work, it'll be your turn next."

"Are you sure this is such a good idea? Us taking them on with just the two of us?" Nunzio sez to me under his breath as we cross the streets.

"It may not be the best play," I sez, "but it's the only way we can play it without lettin' the others know about the orders we got from the Boss."

"When he told us to give away the gold, I don't think he meant we should have people take it off our corpses," Nunzio points out.

"Relax, cousin," I sez. "You'll see. This is strictly amateur hour. These suburb guys are even softer than the city-street types we're used to leanin' on. Just run the standard hard stare on 'em and we shouldn't have any problems. Here we go."

Now, there are two ways of flexin' one's muscles when bracin' a person or place: hard, and soft. The first time I hit this place with Pookie and Spyder, we was usin' the 'soft' technique. That is, we talked soft, smiled a lot, and handled things gentle, all of which emphasized the fact that we could have been a lot rougher if we chose.

Now, I figured it was time to use the 'hard' approach.

Standin' in front of the door, I take a deep breath, then raise my arms and slap it hard with both hands. Said door responds by flyin' open noisily. (The fact that it stays on its hinges is a tribute to its solid construction rather than an indication that I'm losin' my strength.) Before the sound dies away, I walk through the resultin' openin' with Nunzio crowdin' close behind me.

If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether Pookie is correct in her deductions, it is dispelled by the reactions of the guys inside. The whole group freezes in place, and in genera] look about guilty as gamblers in a protected bookie joint when an unbought cop walks in.

The guy I talked to on my first visit is behind the counter, and I fix him with a hard stare.