Robert Asprin - Something MYTH Inc

"It's a tough one, all right," I sez. "Different than any of the other capers we've been in on. Still, I figure the Boss has us to help him, so he'll probably pull through."

"By 'us' I assume you mean you and Nunzio," Aahz sez.

"Actually," I sez, "I was talkin' about the whole M.Y.T.H. Inc. crew, not the least of which includes you. That's one of the main reasons I got involved with the Mob in the first place, you know. You can only do so much alone. As part of a group, you got teammates to cover your back. Sometimes their strengths can make up for your weaknesses."

"I never really thought of it that way," Aahz sez, "but you've got a point."

He's quiet for a while, then opens up again.

"You know, I almost didn't come back from Perv," he sez. "I was settling in and getting ready to work solo again."

I didn't know that, but, as I said, Aahz and I didn't really talk all that much ... and not at all since he and the Boss came back from Perv.

"What changed your mind?" I sez.

"The fact that Skeeve came all the way to Perv looking for me, particularly when the team had just been saddled with a rough assignment, was flattering," he sez. "I thought I'd tag along for one more round to see if I could help."

I could see him shake his head in the darkness.

"So I come back, and look what we're into." he sez. "I'll tell you, Guido, there are some situations that simply can't be handled with magik or muscle, or even a combination of both."

"Like I said, that's why we have teammates," I sez. "Friends can help turn a situation around... and even if they can't, you're not facin' the consequences alone."

Aahz heaved a big sigh.

"I guess that's the answer," he sez. "Thanks for listening, Guido. I'll see you tomorrow."

That is my cue to resume the trek to my room. The conversation with Aahz has given me a lot of food for thought, though.

I'm almost at my door when I hear voices. Angry voices arguin' loud.

The sound is comin' from the Boss's room.

I listen for a minute at the door, then knock loudly.

The Boss answers, half lookin' back over his shoulder at the man and woman shouting at each other behind him.

"Is everything okay, Boss?" I sez. "I thought I heard voices."

"Sure," he sez. "It's just... Guido? What are you doing back? And what happened to your arm?"

I am pay in' more attention to the battlin' duo, who do not seem to have noticed my appearance yet. Neither of them is anyone I know as an associate of Skeeve's. If anything, they look a little foreign ... though that might be because of their funny outfits.

"What's goin' on in there, Boss? Who are those two jokers, anyway?"

I am not likin' the look of this at all. While Nunzio and me take our bodyguardin' duties seriously, we usually figure the Boss is safe in his own room.

"Oh, those are just a couple friends of mine," he sez. "Well... sort of friends. I thought they were just dropping by to say 'Hi,' but, as you can see, things seem to have gotten a little out of hand. The one with the beard is Kalvin, and the lady he's arguing with is his wife, Daphnie."

"Did you say 'his wife'?"

"That's right," he sez. "Why?"

That settles it.

"Get out of here, Boss." I sez, beckonin' him through the door.

"What?"

As I have noted before, the Boss is often not real quick on the uptake. "Boss, I'm your bodyguard. Right? Well, as your bodyguard and the one currently responsible for the well bein' of your continued health, I'm tellin' you to get out of here!"

"But..."

I try to be patient, but enough is enough. Without both-erin' to argue further, I scoop him up with my good arm and carry him out into the corridor before settin' him down again.

"Now stay here," I sez. "Got that? Stay here!"

I feel a little like Nunzio talkin' to Gleep, but the message seems to finally get through.

"Okay, Guido," he sez. "Here it is."

I give him the hairy eyeball for a moment to be sure he means to stay put, then turn and re-enter the room, shutting the door behind me.

The two continue to ignore me as I decide how to proceed. It is not all that easy to think, as they is makin' enough noise to drown out a busy kitchen durin' the lunch rush.

Finally, I recall watchin' Nunzio one time, back when he was teachin', and decide to give one of his techniques a try. Without movin' any closer or gettin' between them, I start to clap my hands together as loud as I can. This distracts them, and they turn their attention on me.

"Who are you and what do you think you're doing? the guy with the beard sez.

"What I am is standin' between you and the B... Skeeve," I sez. "What I'm doin' is shuttin' down this party."

"This is a private discussion," the doll sez. "You have no right interfering."

"Yes, ma'am. You're right," I sez, politely. "It's a private discussion between the two of you and I think it should be continued in private ... not in someone else's home. Know what I mean?"

"Oh, come on, dear," the guy sez. "Let's get out of here."

I think he is gonna head out the door, but instead there's a BAMPF and he disappears into thin air. She favors me with one last glare, then vanishes with a BAMPF of her own.

Demons.

I wait a few moments to be sure they're gone, then open the door again.

"You can come in now, Boss."

"All right, Guido," he sez. "What was that all about?

Now that the crisis is past, I figure it is wise to revert to my normal polite manner.

"Sorry to barge in like that, Boss," I sez. "You know that's not my normal style."

"So what were you doing?"

"What I was doin' was my job," I sez, patiently, still a little worked up from the situation. "As your bodyguard, I was attemptin' to protect you from bein' hurt or maybe even killed. It's what you pay me for, accordin' to my job description."

"Protecting me? From those two?" he gives me a smirk "C'mon, Guido. They were just arguing. They weren't even arguing with me. It was a family squabble between the two of them."

"Just arguing? What do you think ..."

I pause and take a long, slow breath, tryin' desperately to get my nerves under control.

"Sorry, Boss. I'm still a little worked up over that close call. I'll be all right in a second."

"What close call? They were just..."

"I know, I know. They were just arguin'."

I take a deep breath and flex my arms and hands, tryin' to relax.

"You know, Boss, I keep forgettin' how inexperienced you are. 1 mean, you may be tops in the magik department, but when it comes to my speciality, which is to say rough-and-tumble stuff, you're still a babe in the woodwork."

I figure this is as good a time as any to further the Boss's education, so I elaborate.

"You see. Boss, people say that guys like Nunzio and me are not really all that different from the cops... that it's the same game on different sides of the line. I dunno. It may be true. What I am sure of, though, is that both we and our counterparts agree on one thing: The most dangerous situation to stick your head into... the situation most likely to get you dead fast... isn't a shoot-out or a gang war. It's an ordinary D & D situation."

"D & D?" he sez with a frown. "You mean that game you were telling me about with the maps and dice?"

"No," I sez, patient-like. "I'm talkin' about a 'domestic disturbance.' A family squabble... just like you had goin' on here when I came in. They're deadly, Boss. Especially one between a husband and wife."

"Are you kidding, Guido?" the Boss sez. "What could happen that would be dangerous?"

"More things than you can imagine," I sez, grim like. "That's what makes them so dangerous. In regular hassles, you can pretty much track what's goin' on and what might happen next. Arguments between a husband and wife are unpredictable, though. You can't tell who's gonna swing at who or with what, because they don't know themselves."