Jack Vance: MADOUC

"It has always been thus, dear lady! Nevertheless I pray each day that His Majesty, in the fullness of his generosity, will grant us our sufficiency."

Queen Sollace made a glum sound. "The splendour of the basilica is not His Majesty's highest priority."

Father Umphred spoke in thoughtful tones. "The king should remember an important fact. Once the basilica is whole, the financial tide reverses. Folk will come from near and far to worship and sing songs of praise and bestow gifts, of gold and silver! By this means they hope to gain the gratitude of a joyful Heaven."

"Such gifts will bring joy to me as well, if we may thereby adorn our church with proper richness."

"To this end we must provide goodly relics," said Father Umphred wisely. "Nothing loosens the purse strings like a fine relic! The king should know this! Pilgrims will enhance the general prosperity, and, by inevitable flux, the royal exchequer as well! All considered, relics are very good things."

"Oh yes, we must have relics!" cried Queen Sollace. "Where will they be obtained?"

Father Umphred shrugged. "It is not so easy, since many of the best have been pre-empted. However, if one is assiduous, relics may still be had: by gift, by purchase, by capture from the infidels or sometimes by discovery in unexpected places. Certainly it is not too early to start our search."

"We must discuss this matter in full detail," said Queen Sollace, and then, somewhat sharply: "Ottile, you are in a state of obvious discomfiture! What is the matter?"

"I am confused and baffled," said Lady Desdea. "That is quite true."

"Tell us, then, what has occurred, and we will puzzle it out together."

"I can only impart this matter to you in private."

Queen Sollace made a pettish face. "Just so, if you truly feel that such precautions are necessary." She turned to the Ladies Bortude and Parthenope. "It seems that for once we must indulge Lady Desdea in her whim. You may attend me later. Ermelgart, I will ring the bell when I am ready for you."

Lady Bortrude and Lady Parthenope, each with nose haughtily high, departed the parlour, along with the maid Ermelgart. Father Umphred paused, but was not urged to remain and so also departed.

Without further delay Lady Desdea told of the events which had caused her so much distress. "It was time for the Princess Madouc's diction exercises, which are most necessary; she slurs and lilts like a hoyden of the docks. As I walked across the service yard on my way to the lesson, I was struck on the neck by a piece of rotten fruit, hurled from above with both accuracy and force. I am sorry to say that I instantly suspected the princess, who is sometimes prone to mischief. However, when I looked up, I found His Majesty watching me with a most curious expression. If I were an imaginative woman and the person were other than His Majesty, who of course has the best of reasons for all his deeds, I would describe the expression as a leer of triumph, or, perhaps more accurately, vindictive glee!"

"Amazing!" said Queen Sollace. "How can it be? I am as astonished as you; His Majesty is not one to perform silly pranks."

"Naturally not! Still-" Lady Desdea looked over her shoulder in annoyance, as into the parlour came Lady Marmone, her face suffused with anger.

Lady Desdea spoke crisply: "Narcissa, if you please, I am consulting with Her Majesty upon a most serious affair. If you will be kind enough to-"

Lady Marmone, as stern and doughty as Lady Desdea herself, made a furious gesture. "Your business can wait! What I have to say must be said at this very instant! Not five minutes ago, as I crossed the kitchen yard, I was hit on the forehead by an overripe quince, thrown down from the arcade above."

Queen Sollace gave a throaty cry. "Yet again?"

" ‘Yet' or ‘again', whatever you like! It happened as I have described it! Outrage gave me vigor; I ran at speed up the stairs hoping to waylay the perpetrator, and who should come trotting from the corridor, smiling and gay, but the Princess Madouc!"

"Madouc?" "Madouc?" cried out Queen Sollace and Lady Desdea together, as if in one voice.

"Who else? She confronted me without a qualm and even asked me to move aside so that she might continue on her way.

Nevertheless, I detained her and asked: ‘Why did you hurl a quince at me?' She said, quite soberly: ‘With nothing more suitable at hand, I used quince; this was on the strong advice of His Majesty the King.' I cried out: ‘Am I to understand that His Majesty advised you to such a deed? Why should he do so?' And she responded: ‘Perhaps he feels that you and Lady Desdea are inexcusably tiresome and tedious in your instruction.'"

"Astonishing!" said Lady Desdea. "I am dumbfounded!"

Lady Marmone went on: "I told her: ‘Out of respect for your rank, I may not properly chastise you as you deserve, but I will immediately report this outrage to Her Majesty the Queen!' The princess responded with an airy shrug and continued on her way. Is it not remarkable?"

"Remarkable but not unique!" said Lady Desdea. "I suffered in the same degree, but it was King Casmir himself who hurled the fruit."

Lady Marmone stood silent for a moment, then said: "In that case, I am confused indeed!"

Queen Sollace heaved herself erect. "I must get to the bottom of this! Come! Before the hour is out we shall know what is what and which is which."

The queen and her two ladies, with Father Umphred coming unobtrusively behind, found King Casmir in conference with the High Seneschal Sir Mungo and the royal secretary Pacuin.

Casmir looked around with a frown, then rose heavily to his feet. "My dear Sollace, what is so urgent as to bring you here during my consultations?"

"I must have a word with you in private," said Sollace. "Be good enough to dismiss your counsellors, if only for a few moments."

Casmir, noting Lady Desdea and her set countenance, divined the purpose of the visit. At his signal, Sir Mungo and Pacuin left the room. Casmir jerked his finger at Father Umphred. "You may also go."

Father Umphred, smiling his kindly smile, departed the chamber.

"Now then," said King Casmir, "what is the matter?"

In a tumble of words Queen Sollace explained the situation. King Casmir listened with stolid patience.

Sollace terminated her remarks. "You now will understand my concern. Essentially, we are puzzled as to why you threw fruit at Lady Desdea and then encouraged Madouc to work the same mischief upon Lady Marmone."

Casmir spoke to Lady Desdea. "Bring Madouc here at once." Lady Desdea left the chamber and a few moments later returned with Madouc, who entered the room somewhat reluctantly.

King Casmir spoke in even tones. "I ordered you to throw no more fruit."

"Indeed you did, Sire, in the direction of Lady Desdea, and you also advised against the use of substances more offensive, in connection with Lady Desdea. I followed your advice exactly."

"But you threw a quince at Lady Marmone. Was that my advice?"

"I took it to be so, since you failed to include her in your instructions."

"Ah hah! Did you want me to name each individual of the castle and in each case name the stuffs with which he or she was not to be pelted?"

Madouc shrugged. "As you see, Sire, when there is doubt, mistakes occur."

"And you felt this doubt?"

"Exactly, Sire! It seemed only fair that each of the ladies should be treated alike, and enjoy the same advantages."

King Casmir smiled and nodded. "These advantages are subtle. Can you bring them into sharper focus?"

Madouc frowned down at her fingers. "The explanation might be lengthy, even tedious, so that I would be committing the same fault I deplore in the Ladies Desdea and Marmone."

"Please make the effort. If you bore us, we will excuse you this once."