Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

I haven't seen Aunt Hilda look so distressed since Mama Jane died. "I am very sorry, Zebbie. I had not realized that my conduct had displeased you so. I did not intend it so, ever. I am aware-constantly!-that you have saved our-my-life five distinct times....s well as continuously by your leadership. I'm as grateful as my nature permits-a giant amount, even though you consider me a shallow person. But one can't show deepest gratitude every instant, just as one cannot remain in orgasm continuously; some emotions are too strong to stay always at peak."

She sighed, and tears rolled down her face. "Zebbie, will you let me try again? I'll quit being a Smart Aleck. It will be a hard habit to break; I've been one for years-my defense mechanism. But I will break it."

"Don't be so tragic, Hilda," Zebadiah said gently. "You know I love you... despite your little ways."

"Oh, I know you do!-you big ugly giant. Will you come back to us? Be our captain again?"

"Hilda, I've never left. I'll go right on doing the things I know how to do or can learn. And as I'm told. But I won't be captain."

"Oh, dear!"

"It's not tragic. We simply elect a new C.O."

My father picked this moment to get hairy. "Zeb, you're being pretty damned stiff-necked and self-righteous with Hilda. I don't think she has misbehaved."

"Jake, you are in no position tojuclge. First, because she's your bride. Second, because you haven't been sitting in the worry seat; I have. And you have supplied some of the worst guff yourself."

"I was not aware of it... Captain."

"You're doing it now....y calling me 'Captain' when I'm not. But do you recall a couple of hours ago when I asked my second-in-command for advice- and got some back chat about 'written orders'?"

"Mmm... I was out of line. Yes, sir."

"Do you want other examples?"

"No. No, I stipulate that there are others. I understand your point, sir." Pop gave a wry smile. "Well, I'm glad Deety hasn't given you trouble."

"On the contrary, she has given me the most."

I had been upset-I had never really believed that Zebadiah would resign. But now I was shocked and bewildered and hurt. "Zebadiah, what have I done?"

"The same sort of nonsense as the other two... but harder for me because I'm married to you."

"But- But what?"

"I'll tell you in private."

"It's all right for Pop and Aunt Hilda to hear."

"Not with me. We can share our joys with others but difficulties between us we settle in private."

My nose was stuffy and I was blinking back tears. "But I must know."

"Dejah Thoris, you can list the incidents if you choose to be honest with yourself. You have perfect memory and it all took place in the last twentyfour hours."

He turned his face away from me. "One thing I must urge before we choose a captain. I let myself be wheedled and bullied into surrendering authority on the ground. That was a bad mistake. A sea captain is still captain when his ship is anchored. Whoever becomes captain should profit by my mistake and not relinquish any authority merely because Gay is grounded. She can relax the rules according to the situation., But the captain must decide. The situation can be more dangerous on the ground than in air or in space. As it was today when the Russians showed up. Simply grounding must not be: 'School's out! Now we can play!"

"I'm sorry, Zebbie."

"Hilda, I was more at fault than you. I wanted to be free of responsibility. I let myself be talked into it, then my brain went on vacation. Take that 'practice hike.' I don't recall who suggested it-"

"I did," said my father.

"Maybe you did, Jake; but we all climbed on the bandwagon. We were about to run off like a bunch of Scouts with no Scoutmaster. If we had started as quickly as we had expected to, where would we be now? In a Russian jail? Or dead? Oh, I'm not giving myself high marks; one reason I've resigned is that I haven't handled it well. Planning to leave Gay Deceiver and everything we own unguarded while we made walkabout-good God! If I had felt the weight of command I would never have considered it."

Zebadiah made a sour face, then looked at my father. "Jake, you're eldest. Why don't you take the gavel while we pick a new C.O.? I so move."

"Second!"

"Question!"

"White ballot!"

"What gavel? I'll bet there isn't a gavel on this planet."In a moment Father quit stalling. We all voted, using a page from Zebadiah's notebook torn in four. They were folded and handed to me and I was required to declare the vote. So I did:

Zeb

Zebadiah

Zebbje

Sharpie

Zebadiah reached back, got the ballots from me, handed back the one that meant "Aunt Hilda," took the other three and tore them into small pieces.

"Apparently you did not understand me. I've stood my watch; someone else must take it-or we'll park on this bank until we die of old age. Sharpie seems to have an overwhelming lead-is she elected? Or do we ballot again?"

We balloted again:

Sharpie

Jacob

Jacob

Hilda

"A tie," Father said. "Shall we invite Gay to vote?"

"Shut up and deal the cards."

Sharpie

Deety

Deety

Hilda

"Hey!" I protested. "Who switched?" (I certainly didn't vote for me.)

Sharpie

Hilda

Zebbie

Hilda

"One spoiled ballot," said my husband. "A non-candidate. Will you confirm that, Mr. Chairman?"

"Yes," Pop agreed. "My dear... Captain Hilda. You are elected without a dissenting vote."

Aunt Hilda looked as if she might cry again. "You're a bunch of stinkers!" "So we are," agreed my husband, "But we are your stinkers, Captain Hilda." That got him a wan smile. "Guess maybe. Well, I'll try."

"We'll all try," said Pop.

"And we'll all help," said my husband.

"Sure we will!" I said, and meant it.

Pop said, "If you will excuse me? I've been anxious to find a handy bush since before this started." He started to get out.

"Just a moment!"

"Eh? Yes, my dear? Captain."

"No one is to seek out a bush without an armed guard. Not more-and not less-than two people are to leave the car's vicinity at one time. Jacob, if your need is urgent, you must ask Zebbie to hurry-I want the guard to carry both rifle and pistol."

I think it worked out that Pop got the use of a bush last-and must have been about to burst his bladder. Later I overheard Pop say, "Son, you've read Aesop's Fables?"

"Certainly."

"Does anything remind you of King Log and King Stork?"

'From each according to his ability,

to each according to his needs.'"

Hilda:

I could tell from the first ballot that Zebbie was determined to make me take a turn as captain. Once I realized that, I decided to be captain-let them get sick of me and anxious to have Zebbie back.

Then suddenly I was captain-and it's different. I did not ever again think of trying to make them sick of me; I just started to worry. And try.

First my husband wanted to find a bush for the obvious reason-and I suddenly realized that a banth might get him. Not a Barsoomian banth but whatever this planet held in dangerous carnivores.

So I ordered armed guards. With rules about not getting separated. It was a nuisance but I was firm... and knew at last what a crushing load there had been on Zebbie,

But one thing I could improve: Arrange for us to sleep inside the car.

The space back of the bulkhead behind the rear seats was not organized. We had about six hours till sundown (having gained on the Sun in going west), so I had everything in that space pulled out.

Space enough for Zebbie and Deety, on his sleeping bag opened out, blankets over them. Jacob and I? The piloting chairs we moved forward all the set screws would allow, laid them back almost fh~t and padded the cracks with pillows, and, to support our legs, the cushions from the rear seats were placed on boxes we would otherwise discard once I had the car organized. It wasn't the best bed but low gravity and my cuddlesome husband made it a most attractive one.