Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"But you said it had gone to my head!"

"I was wrong. I realized how wrong when I was logging your order to me. What I said was worse than anything I said to Zebadiah while he was captain- he required me to review in my mind all the things I've said... and at least twice he should have given me a fat lip"-Deety smiled grimly-"cept that Zebadiah couldn't bring himself to strike a woman even if she weren't pregnant. Captain-Captain Aunt Hilda honey-Zebadiah didn't crack down on us when he should have. He turned over to you a gang of rugged individualists, not one with any concept of discipline. I certainly had none. But I do now."

"I'm not sure that I do," I said miserably.

"It means obeying orders you don't like and strongly disagree with-with no back talk. 'Into the jaws of death rode the six hundred.' Zebadiah would not do that to us... but he did let us annoy him into testing my new Bug-Out program. He had told me that the test was a useless risk; I should have agreed because it was useless. Instead I gave him a snooty 'No comment,' and you were as bad and Pop was worse. Mmm.... don't think Zebadiah has had much experience as a commanding officer."

"Why so, Deety? He is a captain."

"That doesn't mean that he has ever been a commanding officer. He has soloed quite a lot, in fighters. He has logged control time in larger craft or he wouldn't hold a command pilot rating. But has he ever actually commanded? Nothing he has said to me indicated it... but he did tell me that before the last war a major was often captain of an air-and-space craft but now it almost always took a lieutenant colonel while majors wound up as copilots. He was explaining why he liked one-man fighters so well. Aunt Hilda-Captain-I think commanding was as new to Zebadiah as it is to you. Like sex, or having a baby, you can't understand it till you've tried it." She suddenly grinned. "So don't hold Zebadiah's mistakes against him."

"What mistakes? He's saved our lives again and again. I don't blame him- now-for wanting a rest from commanding. Deety, it's the hardest work possible even if you don't lift a finger. I never suspected it. I don't expect to sleep a wink tonight."

"We'll guard you!"

"Yes, we will!"

"Pipe down."

"Sorry, Ma'am."

"What mistakes did Zebbie make?"

"Well... he didn't crack down. You wasted no time in letting us know who is boss. You didn't let us argue; you slapped us down at once. I hate to say this but I think you have more talent for command than Zebadiah has."

"Deety, that's silly!"

"Is it? Napoleon wasn't tall."

"So I have a Napoleonic complex. Humph!"

"Captain, I'm going to ignore that because, under that order you made me log, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."

"Well... I know how not to get a Napoleonic complex. Deety, you're my second-in-command."

"But Pop is second-in-command."

"Wrong tense. 'Was'-he is no longer. As astrogator you may have inherited it anyhow; you can ask Zebbie-but in private; my decision is not subject to debate. Simply acknowledge it."

"I- Aye aye, Captain."

"You are now required to advise me whenever you think that I am about to make a serious mistake. You are also required to advise me on request."

"My advice isn't worth much. Look how I goofed a few minutes ago."

"That was before you were appointed second-in-command. Deety, actually holding an office makes a big difference."

Deety blinked and looked solemn, then said soberly, "Yes, I think it does. Yes, it does. I feel it, I do! Weird."

"Wait till you're captain. Eight times as weird,"

"Never. Pop wouldn't go for it, Zebadiah wouldn't, I won't-that's three votes."

"I said No right up to the point where I could not avoid it. Don't worry about it now. I'll boss and you'll advise me."

"In that case, Captain, I advise you to reconsider letting us guard you. After we eat and start scouting again, I advise that, even if we find the British quickly, instead of making contact, we should find a spot as deserted as this at the sunrise line and get a long day's sleep. We crew can get eight hours- I'll take the middle watch; the men can get eight hours solid each... and the Captain can get anything up to twelve."

"Advice noted. It's good advice. But that's not the program; we're going to sleep here." I told Deety what I had in mind. "When the car is restowed, we'll eat. If there is daylight left, we'll bathe before we eat. Otherwise in the morning."

"I'd rather hurry through eating and get a bath... since you tell me I'm going to be able to sleep with my husband. When I'm frightened I stink worse... and I've been much more scared than I've tried to let on."

"Into cold water after eating? Deety, you know better."

"Oh. I'll skip eating, if necessary, to bathe."

"Astrogator, we'll do it my way."

"Yes, Captain. But I stink, I do."

"We'll all stink by the time we restow this car and may wind up eating sandwiches in the dark because everything that we don't throw away is going to be inside with us and Gay locked and not a light showing by sundown." I cocked my head. "Hear something, Deety?"

Our men came back looking cheerful, with Zebbie carrying Jacob's rifle and wearing Jacob's pistol. Zebbie gave me a big grin. "Cap'n, there wasn't a durn thing wrong with me that Carter's Little Liver Pills couldn't have fixed. Now I'm right."

"Good."

"But just barely," agreed my husband. "Hilda-Captain Hilda my beloved- your complex schedule almost caused me to have a childish accident."

"I think that unnecessary discussion wasted more time than did my schedule. As may be, Jacob, I would rather have to clean up a 'childish accident' than have to bury you."

"But-"

"Drop the matter!"

"Pop, you had better believe it!" sang out Deety.

Jacob looked startled (and hurt, and I felt the hurt). Zebbie looked sharply at me, no longer grinning. He said nothing, went to Deety, reached for his rifle. "I'll take that, hon."

Deety held it away from him. "The Captain has not relieved me."

"Oh. Okay, we'll do it by the book." Zebbie looked at me. "Captain, I thoroughly approve of your doctrine of a continuous guard; I was too slack. It was my intention to relieve the watch. I volunteer to stand guard while you three eat-"

"-then I'll guard while Zeb eats," added Jacob. "We already worked it out. When do we eat? I could eat an ostrich with the feathers left on." He added, "Hilda my love, you're captain... but you're still cook, aren't you? Or is Deety the cook?"

(Decisions! How does the captain of a big ship cope?) "I've made changes. Deety remains astrogator but is now second-in-command and my executive officer. In my absence she commands. When I'm present, Deety's orders are my orders; she will be giving them to implement what I want done. Neither she nor I will cook. Uh, medical officer-" (Damn it, Sharpie, all those hours in the emergency room make you the only candidate. Or does it? Mmm-) "Zebbie, does 'command pilot' include paramedical training?"

"Yes. Pretty sketchy. What to do to keep the bloke alive until the surgeon sees him."

"You're medical officer. I am assistant medical officer when you need me- if I don't have something else that must be done."

"Captain, may I put in a word?"

"Please do, Chief Pilot."

"Sometimes you have to let the bloke die because there is something else that has to be done." Zebbie looked bleak. "Saw it happen. Does no good to worry ahead of time or grieve about it afterwards. You do what you must."

"So I am learning, Zebbie. Cook- Gentlemen, I've never eaten your cooking. You must assess yourselves. Which one of you is 'adequate'-"

"Ouch."

"Your wording, Zebbie. -and which one is inadequate?"

They backed and filled and deferred to each other, so I put a stop to it. "You will alternate as first and second cook until evidence shows that one is chief cook and the other assistant. Jacob, today you are first cook-"