Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

All of us made mistakes-but none serious. Hilda racked up the most Bingoes and Zebadiah the fewest-but I'm fairly certain that my husband was "cheating" by waiting to give Pop or me first crack at it. (He would not be competing with Aunt Hilda; port-forward and starboard-after seats have little overlapping coverage.)

I thought it would be tedious; instead it was exciting-but dreadfully tiring. Slowly, less than one a minute, bright dots appeared on the display. I saw with disappointment that most Bingoes were clustered adjacent to the irregular margin marking Russian territory. It seemed probable that these marked Russian territory, so very probable that it hardly seemed worthwhile to check for onion spires.

Once my husband called "Stop" and then "Bingo" at a point north and far west, at least fifteen hundred kilometers from the nearest Bingo light. I noted the time-Greenwich 21:16:51-then tried to figure out why Zebadiah had stopped us. It was pretty country, green hills and lightly wooded and I spotted a wild stream, not a canal. But I saw no buildings or anything suggesting settlement.

Zebadiah wrote something on his knee pad, then said, "Continue." I was itching to ask why he had stopped, but when a decision must be made every three seconds there is no time to chat.

When the hour was nearly up, a single Bingo light in the far west that had been shining since the first five minutes was joined by another when Hilda scored another Bingo and two minutes later Pop said "Bingo!" and we had an equilateral triangle twenty kilometers on a side. I noted the time most carefully-then told myself not to be disappointed if inspection showed onion towers; we still had a hemisphere to go.

I decided to believe in that British colony the way one has to believe hard in fairies to save Tinker Bell's life. If there were no British colony, we might have to risk Earth-without-a-J. Gay Deceiver was a lovely car but as a spaceship she had shortcomings. No plumbing. Air for about four hours and no way

to recycle. No plumbing. Limited food storage. No plumbing. No comfortable way to sleep in her. No plumbing.

But she had talents no other spaceship had. Her shortcomings (according to my father and husband) could be corrected at any modern machine shop. But in the meantime we did not have even an outhouse behind the barn.

At last Gay stopped, continued to display, and announced, "One hour of 'A Tramp Abroad' completed. Instructions, please."

"Gay, Bounce," said Zebadiah. "Deety, I don't think we've nailed down the piece The Sun Never Sets On. But this dense cluster here to the right- Too close to the Little Father's little children. Eh?"

"Yes. Zebadiah, I should tell Gay to trim the locus on the east to eliminate the clustered lights, and now we can add almost nine hundred kilometers on the west, to the present sunrise line. Gay can rotate the display to show the added area. I suspect that one more hour will fill in the picture sufficiently."

"Maybe even less. You were right; three seconds is not only a long time; it is excessively long. Isn't two seconds enough? Can you change that without starting from scratch?"

"Yes to both, Captain."

"Good. You can add thirty degrees on the west instead of fifteen. Because we are going to kill an hour-stretch our legs, eat a snack... and I for one want to find a bush. How do I tell Gay to return to a particular Bingo? Or will that mess up your program?"

"Not a bit. Tell her to return to Bingo such-and-such, stating the time."

I was unsurprised when he said, "Gay, return to Bingo Greenwich twentyone sixteen fifty-one."

It was indeed a pretty stream. Zebadiah said happily, "That beats burning juice. Who sees a clearing close to that creek, big enough for Gay? Hover and squat, I mean; I don't dare make a glide landing, dead stick-the old girl is loaded."

"Zebbie, I'm sober as you are!"

"Don't boast about it, Sharpie. I think I see a spot. Close your eyes; I'm going to."

I almost wish I had.

Zebadiah came in on a long glide, everything set for maximum lift-but no power. I kept waiting for that vibration that meant that Gay was alive and roaring... and waited... and waited- He said, "Gay-" and I thought that he was going to tell her to turn herself on. No. We actually dropped below the level of that bank.

Then he suddenly switched on power by hand but in reverse-flipped us up on that bank; we stalled, and dropped' perhaps a meter-we just barely missed that bank.

I didn't say anything. Aunt Hilda was whispering, "Hail Mary Mother of God Om Mani Padme Hum There is No God but God and Mahomet is His Prophet-" then some language I did not know but it sounded very sincere.

Pop said, "Son, do you always cut it that fine?"

"I saw a man do it that way when he had to; I've always wondered if I could. But what you didn't know was-Gay, are you listening?"

"Sure thing, Boss. You alerted me. Where's the riot?"

"You're a smart girl, Gay."

"Then why am I pushing this baby carriage?"

"Gay, go to sleep."

"Sleepy time. Roger and out, Boss."

"Jake, what you didn't know was that I had my cheeks puffed to say B, 0, U, N, C, E, explosively. Your gadget has made Gay's reflexes so fast that I knew I could come within a split second of disaster and she would get us out. I wasn't cutting didoes. Look at that meter. Seventy-four percent of capacity. I don't know how many landings I'm going to have to make on that much juice."

"Captain, it was brilliant. Even though it almost scared it out of me."

"Wrong honorific, Captain. I'm the pilot going off duty. We're landed; my resignation is effective; you're holding the sack."

"Zeb, I told you that I would not be captain."

"You can't help it; you are. The second-in-command takes command when the captain dies, or goes over the hill-or quits. Jake, you can cut your throat, or desert, or go on the binnacle list, or take other actions-but you can't say you are not captain, when you are-Captain!"

"If you can resign, I can resign!"

"Obviously. To the Astrogator, she being next in line of command."

"Deety, I resign! Captain Deety, I mean."

"Pop, you can't do this to me! I'll- I'll-" I shut up because I didn't know what to do. Then I did. "I resign....aptain Hilda."

"What? Why, that's silly, Deety. A medical officer is not in line of command. But if 'medical officer' is a joke and 'science officer,' too, then I'm a passenger and still not in line of command."

My husband said, "Sharpie, you have the qualifications the rest of us have. You can drive a duo-"

"Suddenly I've forgotten how."

"-but that's not necessary. Mature judgment and the support of your crew are the only requirements, as we are millions of miles and several universes from licenses and such. You have my support; I think you have it from the rest. Jake?"

"Me? Of course!"

"Deety?"

"Captain Hilda knows she has my support," I agreed. "I was first to call her 'Captain."

Aunt Hilda said, "Deety, I've just resigned."

"Oh, no, you haven't anybody to resign to!" I'm afraid I was shrill.

"I resign to the Great Spirit Manitou. Or to you, Zebbie, and it comes around in a circle and you are captain again... as you should be."

"Oh, no, Sharpie. I've stood my watch; it's somebody else's turn. Now that you have resigned, we have no organization. If you think you've stuck me with

it, think again. You have simply picked an unusual way to homestead on this spot. In the meantime, while nobody is in charge, I hope that you all are getting both ears and a belly full of what got me disgusted. Yack yack yack, argue, fuss, and jabber-a cross between a Hyde Park open forum and a high school debating society."

Aunt Hilda said, in sober surprise, "Why, Zebbie, you almost sound vindictive."

"Mrs. Burroughs, it is possible that you have hit upon the right word. I have taken a lot of guff... and quite a bit of it has been from you."