Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Bully. I don't bully worth a hoot, Lazarus."

"I'm out of it. Tamara never bullies. She merely gets her own way. What was this third reason?"

"Well... don't tell on me. Ishtar is a fine girl but I have no wish to stay where she could corner me and try to sell me rejuvenation."

Lazarus looked horrified. "Who has been feeding you nonsense?"

"Well? It's a commercial enterprise, is it not?"

"Certainly. Tanstaafl. All the traffic will bear. But we aren't ghouls; we'll accept a lien against a client's future earnings with no security and only the going rate of interest... then let him take as long as he likes to figure out that it doesn't pay to cheat us. But, Hazel, Ishtar never solicits; the clinic doesn't even have a flack. But if you asked her, you would go to the top of the list as my friend. However, she will supply painless suicide just as readily. You can have that later today. No charge. Compliments of the House."

"Lafe, I don't see how your wives put up with you."

"They don't; they make me toe the line. Something they learned from the Stone Gang, I believe."

"Well, I'm not trying to suicide. I'm less than two hundred Terran years old

with a Luna background to stretch it. This is the first time I've been on a

heavy planet since the last time I saw you; I'll last a while. But, Lazarus, I

have no wish to be a young girl."

"Hazel-"

"Huh? Jubal, keep out of this. Say, did you ever see anything of that young man again? Did he resurrect the way some claim he did?"

"Not to my knowledge. Although I saw something a while ago that made me wonder. Hazel, I'm going to take rejuvenation....nd hang onto my present appearance. Red nose and all."

Hazel turned abruptly to face Lazarus. "Is this true? Can this be done?"

Maureen answered. "Hazel, I work at the clinic at the bedpan level... with the expectation of becoming a junior rejuvenation technician in upteen years. I see what goes on. A client states in writing what apparent age she prefers. That's skin deep, easy to do, easy to maintain. But, unless it is an unusual contract, we turn out a biologically mature young adult. Call it eighteen standard years."

"Page Ponce de Leon! You mean I can still be me... but get rid of the morning aches and the arthritic twinges and the forty-leven other things that are the real trouble with living too long?"

"Exactly."

"Uh... what about what I'm sitting on? Haven't used it much lately. Or wanted to."

Lazarus fielded this. "You'll want to. Unless you contract for an abnormal endocrine balance. But, Hazel, there are many men who prefer to deal with an old, established, reliable firm. Ask Tamara."

"Uh... be switched if I'm not feeling embarrassed, an emotion I haven't felt in more years than I'll admit. You can pick any apparent age, you say? Could I be, uh, late middle age? My hair its right color but streaked with gray? A sag under my chin instead of this wattle? Teats a man might grab and enjoy it? That 'old, established firm'-but not decrepit?"

"Certainly," said Lazarus.

"Hazel, I can take you to the clinic now," Maureen offered. "Always someone in the business office. Discuss types of contract. Decide what you want and when. Even get your prelim physical today and set date of admission."

"Uh....es, I'm interested. But not till later today; I've got friends entered in the preliminary rounds of the Society for Creative Anachronism."

"Besides," Jubal put in, "they need time to check your credit rating, see what they can stick you for. By now Lafe has given Athene some signal to start x-raying your purse."

"He has not," Hilda denied. "I did. Hazel, we don't solicit business; we let the client sell it to herself. Maureen picks up one percent on this deal. Not Lazarus."

"Can't see that it matters," Jacob added. "Hey! Waiter! Over here, please! We Longs pool the boodle and Deety tells us what we have, what we can spend-but not who fetched it in."

"Jacob, it's the principle. Making money is a game. Maureen landed her."

"Hazel landed herself, Hilda," Hazel Stone put in. "I don't enjoy getting up feeling wobbly. Jubal, are you game for this?"

"My mind's made up."

"Then take a double room with me and we can tell each other lies while they make us feel young again. Hilda, is that kosher?"

"Lots of double rooms. Ish knows that you are both special friends of Lazarus and, while she doesn't spoil Lazarus, she'll do him any reasonable favor," Hilda assured her. "I think it's the same all around, Waiter-charge it to my account."

'My check," said Jubal.

"Waiter," Hilda said firmly.

The waiter looked at her, flexed his jaw muscles, said, "Very well, Director!"-and vanished.

"I think I missed something," Jubal remarked.

"I think I didn't," said Hazel. "Yon Cashier hath a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous."

Jubal looked around. "That cashier is our waiter. I think."

"I know. And bartender. And ticket taker. Unless his mother had quadruplets, he has Niven dislocators built into his shoes. I wish I could remember where I have seen him. He is not pleased with Hilda. Or Lazarus."

"Eh? Why?"

"Wait and see. There will not be another tab brought to this table-want to bet?"

"No bet," Lazarus interrupted. "The upstart knows who I am, who Hilda is. People at this table are guests of the management. He had better remember it or I'll sick Deety on him. Or even Hilda. But they hardly ever live through that. Hey, there's Deety now!" Lazarus stood up and waved. "Deety! Over here!"

Deety had with her a gaggle of giggles. "I don't have time to do this right; we want to get over to the Field of the Cloth of Gold before the preliminaries- besides, we've got husbands over there, most of us. So this is Ginnie and Winnie and Minnie, and Ginnie's a witch and Winnie's a nurse and Minnie's a retired computer, twin sister to Teena, and this is Holly and Poddy and Libby and Pink, and Holly is a design engineer, ship's architect type, and Poddy is a therapy empathist, and Libby you all know, and Fuzzy is a computer artist like me and the first one to calculate the Number of the Beast to the last significant figure, and now we'd better go even though we have reserved V.I.P. seats because there is a masked knight in the first match and we're pretty sure who he is, and has anyone seen Zebadiah?"

"I'm certain who he is," said Ginnie. "He brought me to life, and besides, he's wearing Karen's colors."

"I see Zeb off in the distance," Lazarus answered.

"No," Jake denied, "here he comes now, from over this way. Ishtar with him. All dressed up."

"No," said Jubal. "That's Anne with him."

"Somebody is screw loose. Lazarus is right. I know my first husband even at this distance. He's just approaching those three reserved sections opposite the big screen over the bar. Zebadiah! Over here!"

The other computer artist added, "And that can't be Anne, so it must be Ishtar. Anne is at the field, I know, because Larry is helping Jerry run it and told me, Anne agreed to cloak and be the third judge when Jerry told her that Mr. Clemens had agreed. Bonforte sits as king although he says he doesn't know much about the kinging business and even less about jousting."

"Is it true that they are using real weapons today?" asked Jubal.

"And real horses," agreed Lazarus. "I was able to borrow the AnheuserBusch Clydesdales."

"Lazarus, is this wise?"

"Doctor Bone is taking care of the horses. If one is injured, we'll give him the works. Those beautiful horses will be returned to Old Home Terra at their proper year and second in better shape than they were. With added skill. It's takes time to turn a Clydesdale into a knight's charger even though that's what they are. But will they ever be happy in harness again?"