Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

Minerva smiled timidly. "While I was covered, I found that I could not talk. Odd. Unpleasant."

Jubal nodded soberly. "That figures... if the illusion was patterned on a true Fair Witness cloak. Anne once told me that the inhibition against talking while cloaked was so great that it took an act of will even to testify in court. Ladies? Shall we go ahead? Or drop the matter? Being a guest should have caused me to refrain."

"Doc, Maureen and Tamara both stamped their approval on you. Even Lazarus can't-or wouldn't dare-veto either of them. That makes you not just a guest, or a house guest, but a Family guest. So behave as you would at home. Shall I take it from the top or where we broke off?"

"Uh, let's take it from the top."

"Very well. Title: UNCLE TOBIAS.

"Start. Uncle Tobias we kept in a bucket.

"Paragraph. He preferred it, of course. After all, it was necessary, in view of the circumstances. As I once heard Andrew-that's my disappearing brother-say: 'Life consists in accommodating oneself to the Universe.' Although the rest of our family has never taken that view. We believe in forcing the Universe to accommodate itself to us. It's all a question of which one is to be master.

"Paragraph. That was the Year of the Big Drouth. A natural phenomenon, you might say-but you'd be wrong. Aunt Alicia. Yes indeedy Aunt Alicia every time. 'Horus,' she said to me early that spring, 'I'm going to practice a little unsympathetic magic. Fetch me these books.' She hands me a list and I skedaddled. She was a stern woman.

"Paragraph. Once out of her sight I looked the list over. I could see right away what she was up to-a drier bunch of books was never published:

Thoughts at Evening, by Roberta Thistleswaite Smithe, published by the author; The Yearbook of the Department of Agriculture, 1904; China Painting Self-Taught; the 8th, 9th, and 11th volumes of the Elsie Dinsmore series; and a bound thesis titled A Survey of the Minor Flora of Clay County, Missouri, which Cousin Julius Farping had submitted for his master's degree. Cousin Julius was a Stonebender only by marriage. But 'Once a Stonebender, always a Stonebender' Grandfather always says.

"Paragraph. Maybe so, but Cousin Jule's magnum opus was nothing I would sit up all night reading. I knew where to find them: on the bookshelf in the guest room. Ma claimed she kept them there to insure sound sleep for the stranger within the gate, but Pa devilled her with the accusation that it was a cheap and unselective revenge for things she had been obliged to put up with in other people's houses.

"Paragraph. As may be, an armload of books that could have dried up Reno, Nevada, and Lake Superior in one afternoon, then switched off Niagara Falls as an-"

Athene interrupted herself: "The presence of Doctors Harshaw and Hubert is urgently requested in the Main Lounge."

Lazarus opened one eye. "Not enough, Teena. I feel no urgency. Who? Why?"

"Why': To buy you each a drink. 'Who': Doctor Hazel Stone."

"That's different. Tell her we'll be there as quick as I can clean up about five minutes of business."

"I've told her. Pappy, you lost me a bet. You let me think that nothing could stir you out of that hammock-"

"It's not a hammock."

"-because you were giving this convention, not attending it."

"I said I had no plans to attend the plenary sessions. I am not 'giving' this convention other than free rental on the land for the Big Top. Tamara says we'll make expenses, Hilda thinks we might net a little, give or take a milliard or two. I made you no promises. If you had bothered to ask, I would have told you that Hazel Stone hasn't lost a bet since Jess Willard knocked out Jack Johnson. How much did you lose?"

"None of your business! Pappy, you give me a pain in what I lack."

"I love you, too, dear. Give me printouts on star guests and latest revisions of convention program." Lazarus added, "Minerva, you're not armed. Teena, don't let her stir out of the house unarmed."

"Lazarus, do I really need to? Tamara isn't armed."

"Tamara has a concealed weapon. Some of the most bloodthirsty people in Known Space are attending this convention. Female authors. Critics. Harlan. Both Heinleins. I not only insist that you be armed but I hope you stick close to someone fast on the draw. Justin. Zeb. Mordan Claude. Galahad. Better yet, stay home. Teena can display any of it here better than you can see it through mixing with rabble. Belay that. I've no more business telling you to be careful than you have telling me. Getting yourself mugged, raped, or killed are among the privileges you opted when you decided to go the protein route. I spoke selfishly, dear; forgive me."

"Lazarus, I will be careful. Galahad invited me to tag along."

"Perfect. Teena, where's Galahad?"

"Hazel Stone's table."

"Good! Stick with us, Mm. But armed."

Lazarus suddenly became aware of something cold against his left kidney. He looked cautiously to the left and down, noted that it was: a) a lady's burner, small but lethal (of that he was certain as he collected a royalty on this model); b) the dial showed full charge; c) the intensity setting was "overkill"; and d) it was unlocked.

"Minerva," he said gently, "will you please move that thing-slowly!-away from my hide and point it at the ground, then lock it, then tell me where you had it? You came out of the pool dressed in nothing but long wet hair. You are now dressed in long dry hair. How? And no wisecracks; in your case I know better."

"Forfeit. Kiss."

"Go ahead and kill me."

"Stingy." Minerva removed the weapon, locked it, and it disappeared.

Lazarus blinked. "Jubal, did you see that?"

"Yes. I mean, 'No, I did not see where Minerva hid that equalizer."

"Doctor Jubal, by 'equalizer' did you mean this?" Suddenly the lady's weapon (locked, Lazarus noted at once) was in her right hand. "Or this?" Its twin was in her left hand.

Jubal and Lazarus looked at each other, looked back at Minerva. She now appeared to be unarmed and totally lacking in any means of hiding a weapon. Lazarus said, "Jubal, are there days when you feel obsolete?"

"Correction, Lafe. There occasionally comes a day when I do not feel obsolete. They've been scarce lately." Harshaw took a deep breath, exhaled. "I grok I should have let Mike train me. But this incident has made up my mind for me; I am going to seek the services of Doctor Ishtar. Minerva, are you going to show us how you did that?"

"Or are you going to let us die of frustration?" added Lazarus.

"This?" Again she appeared as a two-gun woman, with each of her companions covered. This time she handed them over, one to each. "Have one, they're good"-and peeled the foil off a third, a candy bar molded to look like a purse weapon. "Crunchy, but mostly shokolada. 'Chocolate'? Mostly chocolate."

"Minerva, that burner you shoved into my ribs was not a candy bar."

"It was-" She stopped to munch and swallow. "Shouldn't talk with my mouth full." She licked at some chocolate clinging to the candy wrapping. "It was this." Her slender left hand gripped what Lazarus quickly ascertained was a weapon, not candy.

Minerva rolled her candy wrapping into a lump, looked around for the nearest oubliette, spotted it and tossed the discard-missed it; it bounced against the side. She retrieved the wad of waste, put it into the trash receiver. In the course of this the weapon disappeared.

"Lazarus," she said seriously, "when you were training me, you told me that I should never tell anyone how a concealed weapon was concealed. Are you suspending this rule?"

Lazarus looked baffled. Jubal said, "Old friend, I suggest that we die of frustration. The girl is right."

"I agree," Lazarus answered, with a sour look. "All but the word 'girl.' This baggage is half a century old as protein, at least two centuries older than that as the smartest computer ever built. Minerva, I remove all restrictions. You are able to protect yourself."