Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Right, Zeb. Mama Maureen, a drill should be as near as possible to the real thing or it won't save your life in combat."

"Theodore, I don't ever expect to be in combat. But I will do the drill properly."

"Mama, I hate the idea of women in combat. But all through the centuries I have seen women in combat again and again, all too often as regular troops. I don't like it. But there it is."

My wife put in a plug for Lazarus. "Mama Maureen, my Pop has required me to learn every weapon I can lift and he had me trained in every type of dirty fighting imaginable. Several times it has saved me from a mugging. Once I almost killed a man twice my size-with my bare hands."

"Jacob, will you teach me as much of what Deety knows as I am capable of learning?"

"Maureen, I'll teach you what I can. While we're here."

From the back I heard Libby's voice: "Now, Maureen?"

"Yes. If you think it wise in view of Hilda's black ball."

"I'm going to chance it. Friends, I was not sent to get myself pregnant by a great mathematician. That was my reason. By now Tamara has reports from me and from Laz and from Lor on each of you. Twelve 'Yes' votes, zero 'No'

votes. I am directed by Tamara to offer you four fullest hospitality-such as you gave us in your home. If you decide to accept the name Long, tell Tamara. We won't crowd you, either way."

Hilda immediately answered, "Because of delays, a short roll call for space. Copilot."

"Copilot ready."

"Chief Pilot ready," I echoed.

"Astrogator ready."

"Passengers? By seniority."

Lazarus started to reply; Hilda interrupted him. " By seniority!"

"If you mean me, Captain, I'm ready."

"You are, I believe, thirty years older than your son. In any case you are senior to him. Junior passenger?"

"That's me," answered Elizabeth. "Ready."

"Forgot you, dear-apologies. Woodie!"

"Ready for space, Captain, you feisty, narrow little broad. And you're damn well going to marry us!"

"Astrogator, log that. Insolence. Gay Deceiver."

"Ready, Captain honey."

"TertiusOrbitExecute!"

Maureen gasped. Lazarus snorted. "Farced us!"

"In what way? You reported, 'Ready for space."

"And you called it a 'drill."

"Woodie, I will bet anything you care to name that I did not call it a 'drill'- you did. Both Gay and Dora recorded. Put up or shut up. In the meantime, on the back of the seat ahead of you is a small medical kit. Find a pill bottle marked 'Bonine.' Small ~ink pills. Give one to your mother. Maureen, chew it, swallow it. Tastes like raspberry candy."

"Hilda, what are you feeding-"

"Pipe down! Or do you prefer to be locked in the bathroom again? Passenger, I do not tolerate insubordination. Haven't you learned that by now?"

Lazarus got out the pill, gave it to his mother. She accepted it and ate it without comment.

"Lazarus, I can offer you a front-seat view if you will swear by whatever it is that you hold holy that you will not touch one control of any sort even to avoid a crash. You don't understand this craft and would cause a crash if you tried to avoid one. If you can't convince' me, I'll give Maureen the front seat. But I don't think Maureen is interested in learning to drive this car and I think you are."

"That's right, Hilda," I heard Maureen agree. "I'm studying to be a nurse. Then a medical doctor. Then a rejuvenator. Or as far along that route as my ability will carry me. In the meantime I'm pregnant. Isn't that a joke, Theodore? Everytime you and I meet with maximum opportunity, I'm pregnant. And this time Woodie can't spoil it." She chuckled a warm chuckle. "I owe you one, Staff Sergeant Bronson. Can we find a black walnut tree?"

"Lazarus, do you want a front seat? Or do you want to take Maureen into

the annex and give her what she so clearly wants?"

"Oh, I can wait!" Maureen said quickly.

"God, what a decision! Maureen, a short rain check? I really do want to see what this craft will do."

"I want to see the ride, too, Theodore. But I would not refuse you."

"Pipe down, please. Jacob, will you change places with Lazarus? Each report when your seat belts will stand evasive maneuvers."

"Seven gee," I added. "Lazarus, Ack-Ack?"

"Not yet, thank God. I'm wondering how soon we'll need it. And what sort? I'm stumped. Seat belt tight. Hey, we're passing over Boondock!"

"So we are," I agreed.

"Seat belt tight. Maureen, too."

"Chief Pilot, you have the conn. Maneuver at will."

"Aye aye, Captain," I agreed. "Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce Gay Bounce. Show your heels, girl! Mach point seven point nine....ne point two... Mach two... three... four....weep right, set course for Boondock. Dive, Smart Girl. Mach five....ix... seven-"

"Oh, my God!"-Lazarus.

"GayBounce. Trouble, Lazarus? Smart Girl, spread your wings."

"You almost crashed us."

"Oh, I think not. Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce."

"They were waiting for us on the roof!"

"Who? How? Do you have some sort of cee-squared radio?" I added, "Gay Bounce. Smart Girl, do you want to dance? Gay dances beautifully, knows several. Want to pick one, Gay?"

"Dora taught me the 'Nutcracker' suite and I've been figuring out one for the 'Sugarplum Fairy.' But I don't think I'm ready to show it yet."

"Give them 'Blue Danube."

"That old thing?"

"You do it well. Give them a few bars."

Smart Girl just wants to be coaxed. She swooped and she swirled and once bounced herself for altitude without breaking her dance. Meanwhile I got the frequency and asked Libby to talk to Ishtar's office. "Alternate route, Lib"- which was all it took for Deety to close the bulkhead door... which left Strauss waltz music in the cabin, and a truly private radio conversation in the after compartment.

When Deety opened the bulkhead door again, I waited for her to report strapped down. "Got a number for me, Astrogator?" We had agreed on a simple code: fifty-seven was fifty-seven seconds but five-seven meant fifty-seven minutes.

"No, Zebadiah. Zero. Now."

"Okay. Lazarus, can you pick out your house in Boondock?"

"Certainly. But we've been moving away from there steadily." "GayDeceiverClinicExecuteGayBounce. Now where, Lazarus?" "Practically under us. Can't see it." So I tilted my baby straight down. "Can you coach me?"

"Yes, it's- Hey! There's a ship in Dora's parking spot! What nerve! I'm going to give somebody a bad time. It's irrelevant that Dora is a long way off, that's my parking flat. See that round ship? Interloper! My house is the largish one with the double atrium north of it."

"All right for me to park by the interloper?"

"All right but not room enough to get in."

"We'll try. Close your eyes." I steadied vertically on the spot Lib had told them to clear. "Gunsighted, girl?"

"Nailed it, Boss."

"New program code word 'Maureen' I tell you three times."

"I hear you three times." We were getting low.

"MaureenExecute!

"You're a Smart Girl, Gay. Open your doors."

She opened them but answered, "If I'm smart, why wasn't I invited, too? It's Dora Long and Athene Long-am I a second-class citizen?"

I was left with my mouth open. And was saved by two darlings. Libby said, "Gay, we didn't know you cared," and Deety said, "Gay, either we both join or neither joins. A promise."

I said hastily, "Goodnight, Gay. Over." People were pouring toward us. Gay answered, "Sleepy time. Roger and out," just as Laz and Lor arrived in the van, trotting ahead.

Lazarus stopped unbelting. "Hey! It is the Dora!"

"Of course it is, Buddy Boy. What did you expect?" (Lor, I think.)

"But how did you beat us here? I know what that ship can do; I did her basic design myself."

"Buddy Boy, we got here three weeks ago. You just don't understand time travel."