Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Yes, Mama. But he's pretty chinchy about it."

"If you mean 'chinchy in bed,' it may depend on how you treat him. I did not find him so, when I was his mistress, many years ago-centuries ago by some odd scale that I do not understand. You heard me say that I am now wife to your co-husbands-including Lazarus if he will accept' me. But I am certainly, if you will accept me, sister-wife with you two. So I had better stop being your mother. Nay?"

"Why? Grammy Tammy is mother to Ish and everybody-"

"-and we have three mamas in our family now and everyone of them is our-"

"-sister-wife, too; Ish and Hamadarling and Minerva and now-"

"-we have Mama Maureen and we are both delighted that we are your sister-wives but-"

"-you can't get out of being our mama because we've been waiting for you

all our lives!" -

Dora echoed: "And I'm their sister so you are my mama, too!"

"Theodore, I think I am going to cry. You know my rule. I mayn't weep in front of my children."

I stood up, the whole gangling length of me. "Ma'am, I'd be honored to take you to some quiet place where you could cry on me all you please."

Seven-I think it was seven protein types and two computers-jumped on me. The essence was: "You can't take Maureen away from her own party!"- with ugly overtones of lynching.

The wind had freshened to force six, so I took liberal doses of champagne to insure against seasickness. After a bit I napped; it had been a busy day and I still was not over the shock of seeing a large freighter roadable about to take Gay's door off before I could close it and bounce. That was when I kicked the cop in the stomach. Ordinarily I don't kick cops; it makes one conspicuous.

Then a piercing voice was saying: "Flag Chief of Staff Carter's presence on the bridge is requested by the Commodore," and I wondered why the silly son of a bitch didn't comply, so that the noise would stop. Then something cold was poking my tender bare ribs. "That's you, Doc. I'll help you. Relax."

I was relaxed. Past tense. Some of Dora's waldoes aren't too gentle-or maybe these weren't people waldoes but for cargo; I admit that I'm fairly large for a growing boy.

In the lift I decided that the Beaufort scale was at least eight, more likely nine. Nevertheless we got to the bridge. Right out of Hollywood, a whole dome of displays and clocks-all moving slowly widdershins. Yet Gay made do with just an instrument board. I heard Sharpie say, "My God, look at him!"

Deety was saying something about we can shift seats if necessary to Lor while Laz was saying Drink this.

I said firmly, "I do not drink. Beshides I been dring; yr fashe is all blurry."

It must have been Laz and Lor who pinned me from both sides, each with an arm lock and a nerve pinch; Deety wouldn't do that to me.

Sharpie was holding my nose and Laz was pouring it down my throat; it fumed and bubbled. Then- Well, there must have been a stowaway; Deety wouldn't do that. Not to me.

They let go of me when I finished swallowing. I left the ship, made a fast inspection circuit, checked the Milky Way, and returned to a precision grounding. My ears fell off but it didn't seem military to stoop over and pick them up. Besides, Sharpie is playful.

"Flag Chief of Staff reports to the Commodore as ordered."

"How do you feel, Zebbie?"

"I feel fine, Ma'am. Is there any reason why I shouldn't?"

"I suppose not; you've had a nap."

"I did drop off. Dreamt I was in the Tasmanian Sea in a small vessel. Very

uneasy body of water." I added, "Aside from that nightmare, now gone, I'm in top shape. Orders, Ma'am?"

We gave everybody the two-dollar tour, including the bathrooms in the Land of Oz. Libby, Deety, and Jake waited outside, the place being crowded. Sharpie ruled that Laz could relieve Lor to allow Lor to look first, then Lor took back the captaincy so that her sister could see. The fairyland bathrooms made the biggest hit. I concede that the time-space twister is not impressive. Then the twins thanked Hilda and left.

"Attention, please," said Hilda. "If you wish, we will show how we operate. Lazarus may use the astrogator's seat while Deety makes responses from the cargo space. Elizabeth will go back there, too, as she has ridden in Gay Deceiver. Deety, before you move aft, show Maureen and Lazarus how we squeeze a passenger into the rear seats; I'll scootch over.

"This car operates in several modes. As a roadable it is fast, comfortable, easy to handle, rather hard to park, and is usually parked with wings raked back as they are now, the hypersonic configuration. If we intended to drive it in the air, the wings would usually be extended for maximum lift. When operated by the Burroughs Continua Device, wing rake does not matter, but the chief pilot may choose to anticipate where he will arrive and rake accordingly.

"Since it has a computerized autopilot-Hello, Gay!"

"Hello, Hilda, mind if I listen?"

"Not at all, dear. Have you met everyone?"

"Yes, Hilda, and, since I've seen them through Dora's eyes, I place all of them by their voices." Gay added, "Dora is listening through me; she's going to record your demonstration. Is that all right?"

"Certainly. Dora, since you are recording, I'll make it as realistic as possible. Gay Deceiver. Close doors. Execute." I was at chief pilot, Jake at copilot; his door closed, I started checking the seal on mine.

"All hands, prepare for space. Copilot."

"Verniers zero, starboard door seal checked, seat belt fastened."

"Report incomplete. Is your belt fastened tightly? Maximum accelerations? Friends, this car is powered to engage as a fighter; the driver may find himself upside down. Full demonstration, please, Jacob. Cinch it in."

"Copilot reports seat belt tight for maneuvers."

"Thank you, Jacob. Chief Pilot."

I answered in my best cadet-boning-smart voice: "Portside door seal checked. Power pack on line point-eight-nine, two packs reserve at one-point-oh, juice at capacity, all systems go, seat belt cinched tight for max gee maneuvers."

"Astrogator."

"I'm not in my proper seat. Lib and I are fastened down like Siamese twins, tight. No loose gear. Annex checked and secure; all doors locked 'cept bulkhead door is dogged open, contrary to routine. Captain, you could dog us in; we don't mind."

"Not like somebody I won't mention who loses his temper over being locked in for five minutes-"

"Hilda, that was a low blow!"

"Passenger, pipe down. If you had done as you promised, you would not have known that the door was locked. I didn't trust you-and I was right. I am not sure that I want to be your junior or second junior or whatever wife; you don't keep your promises. I'm sorry, Mama Maureen, but Woodie is sometimes a very naughty boy."

"I'm aware of it, Hilda. Captain. Please slap him down as necessary. I was always too fond of him and spoiled him."

"We won't speak of it now. All four of us are qualified in all four positions; we sometimes rotate to maintain our skills. Normal T.O. is myself commanding, Zebbie as second-in-command and astrogator, Jacob as chief pilot, Deety as copilot. But for this exhibition I have placed the finest manual pilot at the overrides, the inventor himself at the continua device, and a lightning calculator equal to Slipstick Libby-"

"Better!"

"Pipe down, Elizabeth. -as my astrogator. With such a crew, command cannot worry me. Chief Pilot, please unbelt and check that Mama Maureen and Lazarus are safely belted. Assume violent evasive maneuvers-and believe me, friends, we use them and are alive today because we were properly belted and because Zebbie is a lightning aerospace fighter pilot-and our Gay is a Smart Girl."

I unbelted, made sure that Lazarus was belted tightly, made certain that Maureen was safe with those improvised belts, then suggested that she put her right arm around Hilda, her left around Lazarus, and hold tight. "All the others have double belts, lap and chest. You have just a lap belt; if I turned the car upside down, holding onto Hilda and Lazarus would keep you safe. Right, Lazarus?"