Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

Instead of answering at once, Lazarus said, "Where did Minerva go?"

Athene replied, "We're finishing off Uncle Tobias; she'll be along later. I've told Galahad."

"Thanks, Teena, Privacy mode. Jubal, two guns, three candy bars-where?"

"Lafe, earlier she was resting in the bottom of that pool. Has a young man named Mike visited here lately?"

"Your foster son? The Martian preacher? No. Well, I don't think so."

"One of the things I learned from him was to postpone indefinitely anything I could not explain....hile accepting the fact. We were speaking of critics. I asked why you were pampering them?"

They walked the length of the atrium in the older south wing before Lazarus replied: "Jubal, suppose I had refused to sell memberships to critics. What would have happened?"

"Hrrrmph! They would crawl out of the woodwork."

"So instead I gave them free passes. And a fancy lounge with plenty of typewriters. Remarkable decorations, you must see them. By asking Athene for display-don't go into that lounge; you are not a critic. Mr. Hoag will be checking credentials; book reviewers can't get past him. So don't you try."

"I wouldn't be found dead there!"

"You wouldn't be found. Avoid it. It is clearly marked, both above its door and on this program map, and Hoag you can spot by his prissy appearance and dirty fingernails. You'll note the stairs-critics are above the rest of us; there are Thirteen Steps up to their lounge."

"Thirteen'? Lafe, do I whiff something?"

Lazarus shrugged. "I don't know that the designer planned that number. Mobyas Toras, do you know him?"

"Uh... Mars?"

"Yes but not your Mars or mine. Different universe and one of the most exciting. Barsoom. Mobyas is Court Mathematician to the Warlord and took special interest in thisjob because of the way self-anointed 'critics' have treated E.R.B. Did I say that Mobyas is a topologist?"

"Possibly the best. E.R.B.'s universe is no harder to reach than any other and Mars is in its usual orbit. But that does not mean that you will find Jolly Green Giants and gorgeous red princesses dressed only in jewels. Unless invited, you are likely to find a Potemkin Village illusion tailored to your subconscious. Jubal, the interior of the Critics Lounge is somewhat like a Klein bottle, so I hear-I've never been in it. Its singularity is not apparent-as you will see from Teena's displays-as it was decorated by a very great artist. Escher."

"Aha!"

"Yes, he and Mobyas are old friends-two immortals of similar tastes; they have worked together many times. I promised critics free entrance; I made no mention of exit. I promised them typewriters and tape recorders; I did not promise typewriter ribbons or recorder tapes. I promised them their own private bar, no charges. Wouldn't be fair to charge as the bar has no liquor in it. There is a lavish dining room but no kitchen."

"Lafe, wouldn't it have been kinder to have liquidated them?"

"Who said I wanted to be kind to them? They won't starve; their commissary is by the Kilkenny Cats method. It should please them; they are used to human flesh and enjoy drinking blood-some I suspect of eating their young. But, Jubal, there is an easy way out... for any critic who is even half as smart as he thinks he is."

"Go on."

"He has to be able to read! He has to be able to read his own language, understand it, not distort the meaning. If he can read, he can walk out at once." Lazarus shrugged. "But so few critics ever learn to read. Here's the Big Top."

Harshaw looked far to the right, far to the left. "How big is it?"

"I've been afraid to ask," Lazarus admitted.

"That sign is bigger than most circus tops." Jubal stopped to read it:

THE FIRST CENTENNIAL CONVENTION

ofthe

INTERUNIVERSAL SOCIETY

for

ESCHATOLOGICAL PANTHEISTIC MULTIPLE-EGO SOLIPSISM

"Beautiful, Lafe! How did you think it up?"

"I didn't, it just grew. And I don't understand it."

"Never mind, mine host. There will be ten thousand here eager to explain it to you. Scatological Panhedonistic Multiplied Solecisms."

"What? Jubal, that's not what it says."

"If you don't understand it, how do you know?"

"Because I understood what you said. But the words don't fit."

"We'll rearrange them. Scatological Panhedonism Multiple Solecisms. 'Convinced to-' Like I say- 'Different than-"

"Don't talk dirty; we are about to have a drink."

Lazarus bypassed the queue; they walked through a hole that suddenly dilated in the canvas, then puckered tight behind them. They found themselves facing a long table; seated at it was a man working on a roster. He did not look up, simply saying, "Stand out of my light. Tickets first, no exceptions. Then name tags. Then see a clerk to pick your universe. The complaint desk is outside. Tickets-you're holding up the line."

"Snob."

The man looked up, jumped up. "Executive Director Long! I am honored!"

"And you're slow. You need at least two others taking tickets."

The official shook his head sadly. "If you knew how hard it is to hire help these days. Not for you, of course; for us common people. Director General Hilda has the labor market so cornered that- Executive Director, can't we make a deal?"

"Pipe down, give us our tags. How does this Universe I.D. thing work?" Lazarus turned to his guest. "It's an ID. for your home world, Jubal; we don't put numbers on people. Snob, take a hard look at Doctor Jubal Harshaw. Whenever you see him, it's the Red Carpet. Pronto!"

"Yes, sir! Here are your tags and now your universes."

"Jubal, you don't have to wear that but don't throw it away; someone might misuse it. But it does save introductions and sticks to anything from skin to chain mail."

"Now gentlemen observe above me the brightly lighted true color representation of the visible spectrum from infradig to ultraviolent with each slight shading being a precise wave length further assisted by simulated Fraunhofer lines representing principal inhabited planets of the explored universes while this booklet you hold in your hand is a key to identifying your wave length for example if you are French in origin you would turn alphabetically to France where the principal key dates are the conquest of Gaul 58-50 BC the conversion of Clovis 496 AD Battle of Tours 732 but as you are not French we will consider turning points in North American History 1000 1492 1535 1607 1619 1620 1664 1754 1765 1783 1789 1803 1820 1846 1882 1912 1946 1965 any of these dates and many others can switch you into a different analog-Earth a most useful method is comparison of Presidents if you happen to come from a history that includes the so-called American Revolution Director Long will you illustrate it by naming American Presidents of your first century?"

"Woodrow Wilson-I was named for him-Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy-"

"Which brings us to 1984, right? And tells me that you experienced the

Nehemiah Scudder Interregnum and possibly the Second so-called American Revolution. Dr. Harshaw, did your world experience the Interregnum?"

"It experienced something worse, a world government."

"To me all worlds are equally bad. But it tells me where your two worlds split: 1962-and here are your colors by which you can identify others of your own world if such be your wish. A delegate came through earlier in which the split was in 1535 and San Francisco was named New Petersburg. Nov'Petrograd I should say but-"

"Snob. The Red Carpet."

"Right away! Doctor Harshaw-my card. Anything, anytime."

The Red Carpet rolled up, then carried them at a steady 10 km!hr down the enormous tent. Jubal looked at the card:

SIEGE SINISTER SERVICES SYNDICATE

'The Villains Nine Rig Ruin"