Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

Reputations Ruined-Competitors Bankrupted-Dragons Wormed- Basements Flooded-Wells Dried Up-Georges Exterminated-Contracts Executed Promptly, bargain rates on mothers-in-law-Juries Subborned-Stocks, Bonds, & Gallows-Saturday Night Specials-Houses Haunted (skilled Poltergeist at small extra charge)-Midnight Catering to Ghouls, Vampires, & Werewolves-Incubi & Succubi for rent by the night or by the week-7-year itch powder

P.S. We Also Poison Dogs

"Lafe, these people you hired?"

"Let me see that." Lazarus was reading the list of services when Snob came running, jumped on the Red Carpet, reached over Lazarus' shoulder for the card while saying breathlessly:

"Wrong card! Here-have this one. That first card is a piece of sabotage by the firm we bought out, including good will-but it turned out there was no good will. We sued, they retaliated-among other ways by mixing their old business cards with our own new supply....hereby infecting them all. Law of Contiguity, you know. Now if I can just have that infected one, I'll burn it-"

Lazarus held it out of his reach while accepting the proffered replacement. "I'll keep the old one-interesting souvenir."

"Director Long-please!"

"Off the Carpet, Bub. Back to your job. Git!" This injunction was accompanied by crowding that caused Snob to step one foot off the Carpet... which resulted in an impromptu pas a seul that left him fifty meters behind before he recovered his balance. Meanwhile Jubal and Lazarus read the replacement:

ANYTHING UNLIMITED

Tome, Hernia, Lien, & Snob

Six Sixty-Six Smiling Slaves Supply Supreme Service

Reputations Restored-Teeth & Wells Drilled-Water Filters-Love Philtres-Chastity GOdel Lox Pict-Virginity Renewed-Scithers Sharpened-Old Saws Filed Categorically-Silver Bullets-Fresh Garlic- Fresh Strawberries-Strawberry Marks for Missing Heirs

P.S. We Also Walk Dogs

"Lafe, I don't find this card much more reassuring than the first one."

"Don't worry about it. There is less here than meets the eye."

"Where have I seen that face before? This Snob-who is he?"

"Jubal, no one seems to know what ship he came down in. I'm looking into it for Zeb-you've met Zebadiah?"

"Briefly."

"Zeb thinks he's seen him somewhere not under that phony name-and Zeb and I aren't even from the same time axis, much less the same analog series. Never mind; here's our hostess." Lazarus stepped off the Carpet, approached from behind a little old woman seated at a bar-lounge table, leaned over her, kissed her. "Hazel, age cannot wither you or custom stale. You are lovelier every decade."

She goosed him. "Pig grunts. I'm dyeing my hair now and you know it. Who's your fat friend? Hi, Jubal! Tak for siest. Drag up a chair." She put two fingers to her lips, whistled, breaking glasses. "Waiter!"

"I note that you're heeled," said Lazarus, as both men joined the table.

"When did I fail to pack a gun? I'm a Free Citizen. Does everybody know everybody? If not, get your tags in sight; damn'f I'll stop for introductions. While I was waiting for you, I was joined by friends-some old, some new."

"Some I know-hi, Jake; hi, everybody. I mentioned your gun with approval, Hazel; Here There Be Tygers. But I note also that you are staying in a hilton; after one drink-well, two-three at the outside-I'm going to be mortally offended. Your suite awaits you and you know it. Why?"

"Two reasons. Well, three. I never like to be beholden-"

"Why, damn your beautiful bloodshot eyes!"

"-but I'm perfectly willing to sponge off you. That's why I bought the first round; the party never gets smaller. This round is yours. Where's that misbegotten waiter?"

"Here, Madam."

"The same all around and don't call me 'Madam.' Jubal, your usual? Lafe?"

"I know what the gentlemen take. Thank you, Madam." The waiter disappeared.

"Uppity." Hazel made a fast draw. "Should have made him dance." She twirled and reholstered. "Hilda, where have I seen that sneaky face before?"

"Jacob and I were discussing that. He reminds me of a fake forest ranger- but that was in a far country and besides the beast is dead."

"Could be a family resemblance. But, Hillbilly, I mean today. Got it! The ticket taker. Identical twins, maybe." Hazel went on, "Other identical twins are my first two reasons, Lazarus. My grandsons. I won't shoot holes in your

mirrors or carve my initials in Tamara's furniture, but I make no guarantees about Cas and Pol. In a hilton they put the damage on the tab; I pay it and make my grandsons wish they had never been born. But you would not let me pay. And we're going to be here quite a piece; my daughter-in-law Doctor Edith has decided that she needs a couple of years under Doctor Ishtar. Has anyone seen a pair of twin boys-man-size but boys-redheaded-not the color of mine; mine's out of a bottle-the color mine used to be?"

"Hazel, here twins and red hair are as common as magicians in Atlantis; Gilgamesh must have stayed overnight."

"I saw them talking to Caleb Catlum," said Maureen.

"Well, he should be a match for them-but don't bet on it. Lazarus, is Atlantis represented?"

"From thirteen universes. They are having a jurisdictional dispute. Suits me-if any get sore and leave, they won't get a refund."

"Your grandsons may have been with Caleb but I know where-no, with whom-I know with whom they are now," put in Professor Burroughs. "Laz and Lor."

"Oho! Hazel, I'll tell Athene to settle your bill and move your luggage. We have an antidote for Cas and Pol."

"Optimist. Deal 'em, waiter, and give him the chit. What antidote?" The waiter started to hand the check to Lazarus before he looked at him-stopped abruptly, and left, still with the tab.

"Would Cas and Pol be interested in becoming pirates?"

"Lazarus, they are pirates. I was hoping they would tone down as they grew up... but now they're eighteen, Terran reckoning, and each one is two yards of deceit and chicanery. The 'J.D.' after my name means that I studied law at a school that handed out that degree in place of 'LL.B.'-but my rapscallions are 'J.D.'s' too. But not lawyers. Well... 'space lawyers."

"Hazel, you won your first J.D. long before you studied law. No?"

"The accused stood mute and the court ordered a plea of nux vomica entered in the record."

"My twins are more than twice as old as your boys but it doesn't show; they look a year or two younger... and they are permanent juvenile delinquents. They want to take a fling at piracy... which I deplore, having sampled the trade. Your boys-do they respect good machinery? Can they take care of it? Make nonshipyard repairs?"

"Lazarus, they can repair anything that ticks or doesn't tick. Worried me a mite, as they were a little slow in noticing girls. But they outgrew that symptom without outgrowing machinery."

"You might tell them that my clone-sisters own a spaceship faster and more powerful than any of your home period and analog, one that could be outfitted as a privateer. It might result in all four dying happily. But I do not interfere in other people's lives."

Hilda put her palms together, closed her eyes, and said, "Dear Lord, do not strike him dead; he didn't mean it. Yours truly, Hilda Burroughs Long." Lazarus ignored her.

"Nor do I, Lazarus. Other than occasionally, with a horse whip. Forgot to mention- They aren't gelded."

"Hazel, Laz-Lor are vaccinated and would have to come back here to see Ishtar to get it reversed. As for rasslin' matches, any male who tried to rape one of my clones would be gelded. Informally. At once. No instruments. No anesthesia. I trained 'em myself. Forget it. Apparently they've already met; they'll settle their own affairs, if any, their own way. Leave Cas and Pol in that hilton if you wish-by the way, I own it-but you're coming home or I'll tell Tamara."