Terry Pratchett: The Wee Free Men

Tiffany hesitated.

'There was old Mrs Snapperly,' she said. Oh, yes. She'd lived all alone in a strange cottage all right...

'Good name,' said Miss Tick. 'Can't say I've heard it before, though. Where is she?'

'She died in the snow last winter,' said Tiffany, slowly.

'And now tell me what you're not telling me,' said Miss Tick, sharp as a knife.

'Er... she was begging, people think, but no one opened their doors to her and, er... it was a cold night, and... she died.'

'And she was a witch, was she?'

'Everyone said she was a witch,' said Tiffany. She really did not want to talk about this. No one in the villages around here wanted to talk about it. No one went near the ruins of the cottage in the woods, either.

'You don't think so?'

'Um...' Tiffany squirmed. 'You see... the Baron had a son called Roland. He was only twelve, I think. And he went riding in the woods by himself last summer and his dogs came back without him.'

'Mrs Snapperly lived in those woods?' said Miss Tick.

'Yes.'

'And people think she killed him?' said Miss Tick. She sighed. They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.'

'They never actually said, ' said Tiffany. 'But I think it was something like that, yes.'

'And did his horse turn up?' said Miss Tick.

'No,' said Tiffany. 'And that was strange, because if it'd turned up anywhere along the hills the people would have noticed it...'

Miss Tick folded her hands, sniffed, and smiled a smile with no humour in it at all.

'Easily explained,' she said. 'Mrs Snapperly must have had a really big oven, eh?'

'No, it was really quite small,' said Tiffany. 'Only ten inches deep.'

'I bet Mrs Snapperly had no teeth and talked to herself, right?' said Miss Tick.

'Yes. And she had a cat. And a squint,' said Tiffany. And it all came out in a rush: 'And so after he vanished they went to her cottage and they looked in the oven and they dug up her garden and they threw stones at her old cat until it died and they turned her out of her cottage and piled up all her old books in the middle of the room and set fire to them and burned the place to the ground and everyone said she was an old witch.'

'They burned the books,' said Miss Tick, in a flat voice.

'Because they said they had old writing in them,' said Tiffany. 'And pictures of stars.'

'And when you went to look, did they?' said Miss Tick.

Tiffany suddenly felt cold. 'How did you know?' she said.

'I'm good at listening. Well, did they?'

Tiffany sighed. 'Yes, I went to the cottage next day and some of the pages, you know, had kind of floated up in the heat. And I found a part of one, and it had all old lettering and gold and blue edging. And I buried her cat.'

'You buried the cat?'

'Yes! Someone had to!' said Tiffany hotly.

'And you measured the oven,' said Miss Tick. 'I know you did, because you just told me what size it was.' And you measure soup plates, Miss Tick added to herself. What have I found here?

'Well, yes. I did. I mean... it was tiny! And if she could magic away a boy and a whole horse, why didn't she magic away the men who came for her? It didn't make any sense—!'

Miss Tick waved her into silence. 'And then what happened?'

'Then the Baron said no one was to have anything to do with her,' said Tiffany. 'He said any witches found in the country would be tied up and thrown in the pond. Er, you could be in danger,' she added, uncertainly.

'I can untie knots with my teeth and I have a Gold Swimming Certificate from the Quirm College for Young Ladies,' said Miss Tick. 'All that practice at jumping into the swimming pool with my clothes on was time well spent.' She leaned forward. 'Let me guess what happened to Mrs Snapperly,' she said. 'She lived from the summer until the snow, right? She stole food from barns and probably women gave her food at the back door if the men weren't around? I expect the bigger boys threw things at her if they saw her.'

'How do you know all this?' said Tiffany.

'It doesn't take a huge leap of imagination, believe me,' said Miss Tick. 'And she wasn't a witch, was she?'

'I think she was just a sick old lady who was no use to anyone and smelled a bit and looked odd because she had no teeth,' said Tiffany. 'She just looked like a witch in a story. Anyone with half a mind could see that.'

Miss Tick sighed. 'Yes. But sometimes it's so hard to find half a mind when you need one.'

'Can't you teach me what I need to know to be a witch?' said Tiffany.

'Tell me why you still want to be a witch, bearing in mind what happened to Mrs Snapperly?'

'So that sort of thing doesn't happen again,' said Tiffany.

She even buried the old witch's cat, thought Miss Tick. What kind of child is this?

'Good answer. You might make a decent witch one day,' she said. 'But I don't teach people to be witches. I teach people about witches. Witches learn in a special school. I just show them the way, if they're any good. All witches have special interests, and I like children.'

'Why?'

'Because they're much easier to fit in the oven,' said Miss Tick.

But Tiffany wasn't frightened, just annoyed.

'That was a nasty thing to say,' she said.

'Well, witches don't have to be nice,' said Miss Tick, pulling a large black bag from under the table. 'I'm glad to see you pay attention.'

'There really is a school for witches?' said Tiffany.

'In a manner of speaking, yes,' said Miss Tick.

'Where?'

'Very close.'

'It is magical?'

'Very magical.'

'A wonderful place?'

'There's nowhere quite like it.'

'Can I go there by magic? Does, like, a unicorn turn up to carry me there or something?'

'Why should it? A unicorn is nothing more than a big horse that comes to a point, anyway. Nothing to get so excited about,' said Miss Tick. 'And that will be one egg, please.'

'Exactly where can I find the school?' said Tiffany, handing over the egg.

'Aha. A root vegetable question, I think,' said Miss Tick. 'Two carrots, please.'

Tiffany handed them over.

'Thank you. Ready? To find the school for witches, go to a high place near here, climb to the top, open your eyes...' Miss Tick hesitated.

'Yes?'

'... and then open your eyes again.'

'But—' Tiffany began.

'Got any more eggs?'

'No, but—'

'No more education, then. But I have a question to ask you.'

'Got any eggs?' said Tiffany, instantly.

'Hah! Did you see anything else by the river, Tiffany?'

Silence suddenly filled the tent. The sound of bad spelling and erratic geography filtered through from outside as Tiffany and Miss Tick stared into one another's eyes.

'No,' lied Tiffany.

'Are you sure?' said Miss Tick.

'Yes.'

They continued the staring match. But Tiffany could outstare a cat.

'I see,' said Miss Tick, looking away. 'Very well. In that case, please tell me... when you stopped outside my tent just now you said "Aha" in what I considered to be a smug tone of voice. Were you thinking, This is a strange little black tent with a mysterious little sign on the door, so going inside could be the start of an adventure, or were you thinking, This could be the tent of some wicked witch like they thought Mrs Snapperly was, who'll put some horrible spell on me as soon as I go in? It's all right, you can stop staring now. Your eyes are watering.'

'I thought both those things,' said Tiffany, blinking.

'But you came in anyway. Why?'

'To find out.'

'Good answer. Witches are naturally nosy,' said Miss Tick, standing up. 'Well, I must go. I hope we shall meet again. I will give you some free advice, though.'