Terry Pratchett - The Wee Free Men

There was only one place where it was possible for someone in a large family to be private, and that was in the privy. It was a three-holer, and it was where everyone went if they wanted to be alone for a while. There was a candle in there, and last year's Almanack hanging on a string. The printers knew their readership, and printed the Almanack on soft thin paper.

Tiffany lit the candle, made herself comfortable, and looked at the book of Faerie Tales. The moon gibbous'd at her through the crescent-shaped hole cut in the door.

She'd never really liked the book. It seemed to her that it tried to tell her what to do and what to think. Don't stray from the path, don't open that door, but hate the wicked witch because she is wicked. Oh, and believe that shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.

A lot of the stories were highly suspicious, in her opinion. There was the one that ended when the two good children pushed the wicked witch into her own oven. Tiffany had worried about that after all that trouble with Mrs Snapperly. Stories like this stopped people thinking properly, she was sure. She'd read that one and thought, Excuse me? No one has an oven big enough to get a whole person in, and what made the children think they could just walk around eating people's houses in any case? And why does some boy too stupid to know a cow is worth a lot more than five beans have the right to murder a giant and steal all his gold? Not to mention commit an act of ecological vandalism? And some girl who can't tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother must either have been as dense as teak or come from an extremely ugly family. The stories weren't real. But Mrs Snapperly had died because of stories.

She flicked past page after page, looking for the right pictures. Because, although the stories made her angry, the pictures, ah, the pictures were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

She turned a page and there it was.

Most of the pictures of fairies were not very impressive. Frankly, they looked like a small girls' ballet class that'd just had to run through a bramble patch. But this one... was different. The colours were strange, and there were no shadows. Giant grasses and daisies grew everywhere, so the fairies must have been quite small, but they looked big. They looked like rather strange humans. They certainly didn't look much like fairies. Hardly any of them had wings. They were odd shapes, in fact. In fact, some of them looked like monsters. The girls in the tutus wouldn't have stood much chance.

And the odd thing was that, alone of all the pictures in the book, this one looked as if it had been done by an artist who had painted what was in front of him. The other pictures, the ballet girls and the romper-suit babies, had a made-up, syrupy look. This one didn't. This one said that the artist had been there...

... at least in his head, Tiffany thought.

She concentrated on the bottom left-hand corner, and there it was. She'd seen it before, but you had to know where to look. It was definitely a little red-haired man, naked except for a kilt and a skinny waistcoat, scowling out of the picture. He looked very angry. And... Tiffany moved the candle to see more clearly... he was definitely making a gesture with his hand.

Even if you didn't know it was a rude one, it was easy to guess.

She heard voices. She pushed the door open with her foot to hear them better, because a witch always listens to other people's conversations.

The sound was coming from the other side of the hedge, where there was a field that should have been full of nothing but sheep, waiting to go to market. Sheep are not known for their conversation. She snuck out carefully in the misty dawn and found a small gap that had been made by rabbits, which just gave her a good enough view.

There was a ram grazing near the hedge and the conversation was coming from it or, rather, somewhere in the long grass underneath it. There seemed to be at least four speakers, who sounded bad-tempered.

'Crivens! We wanna coo beastie, no' a ship beastie!'

'Ach, one's as goo' as t'other! C'mon, lads, a' grab a holt o' a leg!'

'Aye, all the coos are inna shed, we tak' what we can!'

'Keep it doon, keep it doon, will ya!'

'Ach, who's listnin'? OK, lads—yan... tan... teth 'ra!'

The sheep rose a little in the air, and bleated in alarm as it started to go across the field backwards. Tiffany thought she saw a hint of red hair in the grass around its legs, but that vanished as the ram was carried away into the mist.

She pushed her way through the hedge, ignoring the twigs that scratched at her. Granny Aching wouldn't have let anyone get away with stealing a sheep, even if they were invisible.

But the mist was thick and, now, Tiffany heard noises from the henhouse.

The disappearing-backwards sheep could wait. Now the hens needed her. A fox had got in twice in the last two weeks and the hens that hadn't been taken were barely laying.

Tiffany ran through the garden, catching her nightdress on pea sticks and gooseberry bushes, and flung open the henhouse door.

There were no flying feathers, and nothing like the panic a fox would cause. But the chickens were clucking excitedly and Prunes, the cockerel, was strutting nervously up and down. One of the hens looked a bit embarrassed. Tiffany lifted it up quickly. There were two tiny blue, red-haired men underneath. They were each holding an egg, clasped in their arms. They looked up with very guilty expressions.

'Ach, no!' said one. 'It's the bairn! She's the hag...'

'You're stealing our eggs,' said Tiffany. 'How dare you! And I'm not a hag!'

The little men looked at one another, and then at the eggs.

'Whut eiggs?' said one.

'The eggs you are holding,' said Tiffany, meaningfully.

'Whut? Oh, these? These are eiggs, are they?' said the one who'd spoken first, looking at the eggs as if he'd never seen them before. 'There's a thing. And there was us thinking they was, er, stones.'

'Stones,' said the other one nervously.

'We crawled under yon chookie for a wee bitty warmth,' said the first one. 'And there was all these things, we thought they was stones, which was why the puir fowl was clucking all the time...'

'Clucking,' said the second one, nodding vigorously.

'... so we took pity on the puir thing and—'

'Put... the... eggs... back,' said Tiffany, slowly.

The one who hadn't been doing much talking nudged the other one. 'Best do as she says,' it said. 'It's a' gang agley. Ye canna cross an Aching an' this one's a hag. She dinged Jenny an' no one ha' ever done that afore.'

'Aye, I didnae think o' that.'

Both of the tiny men put the eggs back very carefully. One of them even breathed on the shell of his and made a show of polishing it with the ragged hem of his kilt.

'No harm done, mistress,' he said. He looked at the other man. And then they vanished. But there was a suspicion of a red blur in the air and some straw by the henhouse door flew up in the air.

'And I'm a miss!' shouted Tiffany. She lowered the hen back onto the eggs, and went to the door. 'And I'm not a hag! Are you fairies of some sort? And what about our ship—I mean, sheep?' she added.

There was no answer but a clanking of buckets near the house, which meant that other people were getting up.

She rescued the Faerie Tales, blew out the candle and made her way into the house. Her mother was lighting the fire and asked what she was doing up, and she said that she'd heard a commotion in the henhouse and had gone out to see if it was the fox again. That wasn't a lie. In fact, it was completely true, even if it wasn't exactly accurate.