Terry Pratchett - The Wee Free Men

In fact all the shepherds watched her. Granny never, ever entered the arena because she was the Trials. If Granny thought you were a good shepherd—if she nodded at you when you walked out of the arena, if she puffed at her pipe and said 'that'll do'—you walked like a giant for a day, you owned the Chalk...

When she was small and up on the wold with Granny, Thunder and Lightning would baby-sit Tiffany, lying attentively a few feet away as she played. And she'd been so proud when Granny had let her use them to round up a flock. She'd run about excitedly in all directions shouting 'Come by!' and 'There!' and 'Walk up!' and, glory be, the dogs had worked perfectly.

She knew now that they'd have worked perfectly whatever she'd shouted. Granny was just sitting there, smoking her pipe, and by now the dogs could read her mind. They only ever took orders from Granny Aching...

The storm died down after a while and there was the gentle sound of rain.

At some point Ratbag the cat pushed open the door and jumped onto the bed. He was big to start with, but Ratbag flowed. He was so fat that, on any reasonably flat surface, he gradually spread out in a great puddle of fur. He hated Tiffany, but would never let personal feelings get in the way of a warm place to sleep.

She must have slept, because she woke up when she heard the voices.

They seemed very close but, somehow, very small.

'Crivens! It's a' vena well sayin' "find the hag", but what should we be lookin' for, can ye tell me that? All these big jobs look just the same tae me!'

'Not-totally-wee Geordie doon at the fishin' said she was a big, big girl!'

'A great help that is, I dinnae think! They're all big, big girls!'

'Ye pair a dafties! Everyone knows a hag wears a pointy bonnet!'

'So they canna be a hag if they're sleepin', then?'

'Hello?' whispered Tiffany.

There was silence, embroidered with the breathing of her sisters. But in a way Tiffany couldn't quite describe, it was the silence of people trying hard not to make any noise.

She leaned down and looked under the bed. There was nothing there but the guzunder.

The little man in the river had talked just like that.

She lay back in the moonlight, listening until her ears ached.

Then she wondered what the school for witches would be like and why she hadn't seen it yet.

She knew every inch of the country for two miles around. She liked the river best, with the backwaters where striped pike sunbathed just above the weeds and the banks where kingfishers nested. There was a heronry a mile or so upriver and she liked to creep up on the birds when they came down here to fish in the reeds, because there's nothing funnier than a heron trying to get airborne in a hurry...

She drifted off to sleep again, thinking about the land around the farm. She knew all of it. There were no secret places that she didn't know about.

But maybe there were magical doors. That's what she'd make, if she had a magical school. There should be secret doorways everywhere, even hundreds of miles away. Look at a special rock by, say, moonlight, and there would be yet another door.

But the school, now, the school. There would be lessons in broomstick riding and how to sharpen your hat to a point, and magical meals, and lots of new friends.

'Is the bairn asleep?'

'Aye, I canna' hear her movin'.'

Tiffany opened her eyes in the darkness. The voices under the bed had a slightly echoey edge. Thank goodness the guzunder was nice and clean.

'Right, let's get oot o' this wee pot, then.'

The voices moved off across the room. Tiffany's ears tried to swivel to follow them.

'Hey, see here, it's a hoose! See, with wee chairies and things!'

They've found the doll's house, Tiffany thought.

It was quite a large one, made by Mr Block the farm carpenter when Tiffany's oldest sister, who already had two babies of her own now, was a little girl. It wasn't the most fragile of items. Mr Block did not go in for delicate work. But over the years the girls had decorated it with bits of material and some rough and ready furniture.

By the sound of it the owners of the voices thought it was a palace.

'Hey, hey, hey, we're in the cushy stuff noo! There's a beid in this room. Wi' pillows!'

'Keep it doon, we don't want any o' them to wake up!'

'Crivens, I'm as quiet as a wee moose! Aargh! There's sojers!'

'Whut d'ye mean, sojers?'

'There's redcoats in the room!'

They've found the toy soldiers, thought Tiffany, trying not to breathe loudly.

Strictly speaking, they had no place in the doll's house, but Wentworth wasn't old enough for them and so they'd got used as innocent bystanders back in those days when Tiffany had made tea parties for her dolls. Well, what passed for dolls. Such toys as there were in the farmhouse had to be tough to survive intact through the generations and didn't always manage it. Last time Tiffany had tried to arrange a party, the guests had been a rag doll with no head, two wooden soldiers and three-quarters of a small teddy bear.

Thuds and bangs came from the direction of the doll's house.

'I got one! Hey, pal, can yer mammie sew? Stitch this! Aargh! He's got a held on him like a tree!'

'Crivens! There's a body here wi' no held at a' !'

'Aye, nae wonder, 'cos here's a bear! Feel ma boot, ye washoon!'

It seemed to Tiffany that although the owners of the three voices were fighting things that couldn't possibly fight back, including a teddy bear with only one leg, the fight still wasn't going all one way.

'I got 'im! I got 'im! I got 'im! Yer gonna get a gummer, yer wee hard disease!'

'Someone bit ma leg! Someone bit ma leg!'

'Come here! Ach, yer fightin' yersels, ye eejits! Ah 'm fed up wi' the pair a yees!'

Tiffany felt Ratbag stir. He might be fat and lazy, but he was lightning fast when it came to leaping on small creatures. She couldn't let him get the... whatever they were, however bad they sounded.

She coughed loudly.

'See?' said a voice from the doll's house. 'Yer woked them up! Ah 'm offski!'

Silence fell again and this time, Tiffany decided after a while, it was the silence of no one there rather than the silence of people being incredibly quiet. Ratbag went back to sleep, twitching occasionally as he disembowelled something in his fat cat dreams.

Tiffany waited a little while and then got out of bed and crept towards the bedroom door, avoiding the two squeaky floorboards. She went downstairs in the dark, found a chair by moonlight, fished the book of Faerie Tales off Granny's shelf, then lifted the latch on the back door and stepped out into the warm midsummer night.

There was a lot of mist around, but a few stars were visible overhead and there was a gibbous moon in the sky. Tiffany knew it was gibbous because she'd read in the Almanack that 'gibbous' meant what the moon looked like when it was just a bit fatter than half full, and so she made a point of paying attention to it around those times just so that she could say to herself: 'Ah, I see the moon's very gibbous tonight...'

It's possible that this tells you more about Tiffany than she would want you to know.

Against the rising moon the downs were a black wall that filled half the sky. For a moment she looked for the light of Granny Aching's lantern...

Granny never lost a lamb. That was one of Tiffany's first memories: of being held by her mother at the window one frosty night in early spring, with a million brilliant stars glinting over the mountains and, on the darkness of the downs, the one yellow star in the constellation of Granny Aching, zigzagging through the night. She wouldn't go to bed while a lamb was lost, however bad the weather...