Terry Pratchett - The Wee Free Men

'I can see we're going to get along like a house on fire,' said Miss Tick. 'There may be no survivors.'

'You really are a witch?'

'Oh, pur-lease,' said Miss Tick. 'Yes, yes, I am a witch. I have a talking animal, a tendency to correct other people's pronunciation—it's pun, by the way, not "pune"—and a fascination for poking my nose into other people's affairs and, yes, a pointy hat.'

'Can I operate the spring now?' said the toad.

'Yes,' said Miss Tick, her eyes still on Tiffany. 'You can operate the spring.'

'I like operating the spring,' said the toad, crawling around to the back of the hat.

There was a click, and a slow thwap-thwap noise, and the centre of the hat rose slowly and jerkily up out of the paper flowers, which fell away.

'Er...' said Tiffany.

'You have a question?' said Miss Tick.

With a last thwop, the top of the hat made a perfect point.

'How do you know I won't run away right now and tell the Baron?' said Tiffany.

'Because you haven't the slightest desire to do so,' said Miss Tick. 'You're absolutely fascinated. You want to be a witch, am I right? You probably want to fly on a broomstick, yes?'

'Oh, yes!' She'd often dreamed of flying. Miss Tick's next words brought her down to earth.

'Really? You like having to wear really, really thick pants? Believe me, if I've got to fly I wear two pairs of woollen ones and a canvas pair on the outside which, I may tell you, are not very feminine no matter how much lace you sew on. It can get cold up there. People forget that. And then there's the bristles. Don't ask me about the bristles. I will not talk about the bristles.'

'But can't you use a keeping-warm spell?' said Tiffany.

'I could. But a witch doesn't do that sort of thing. Once you use magic to keep yourself warm, then you'll start using it for other things.'

'But isn't that what a witch is supposed to—' Tiffany began.

'Once you learn about magic, I mean really learn about magic, learn everything you can learn about magic, then you've got the most important lesson still to learn,' said Miss Tick.

'What's that?'

'Not to use it. Witches don't use magic unless they really have to. It's hard work and difficult to control. We do other things. A witch pays attention to everything that's going on. A witch uses her head. A witch is sure of herself. A witch always has a piece of string—'

'I always do have a piece of string!' said Tiffany. 'It's always handy!'

'Good. Although there's more to witchcraft than string. A witch delights in small details. A witch sees through things and round things. A witch sees further than most. A witch sees things from the other side. A witch knows where she is, and when she is. A witch would see Jenny Green-Teeth,' she added. 'What happened?'

'How did you know I saw Jenny Green-Teeth?'

'I'm a witch. Guess,' said Miss Tick.

Tiffany looked around the tent. There wasn't much to see, even now that her eyes were getting accustomed to the gloom. The sounds of the outside world filtered through the heavy material.

' I think—'

'Yes?' said the witch.

'I think you heard me telling the teacher.'

'Correct. I just used my ears,' said Miss Tick, saying nothing at all about saucers of ink. 'Tell me about this monster with eyes the size of the kind of soup plates that are eight inches across. Where do soup plates come into it?'

'The monster is mentioned in a book of stories I've got,' explained Tiffany. 'It said Jenny Green-Teeth has eyes the size of soup plates. There's a picture, but it's not a good one. So I measured a soup plate, so I could be exact.'

Miss Tick put her chin on her hand and gave Tiffany an odd sort of smile.

'That was all right, wasn't it?' said Tiffany.

'What? Oh, yes. Yes. Um... yes. Very... exact. Go on.'

Tiffany told her about the fight with Jenny, although she didn't mention Wentworth in case Miss Tick got funny about it. Miss Tick listened carefully.

'Why the frying pan?' she said. 'You could've found a stick.'

'A frying pan just seemed a better idea,' said Tiffany.

'Hah! It was. Jenny would've eaten you up if you'd used a stick. A frying pan is made of iron. Creatures of that kidney can't stand iron.'

'But it's a monster out of a storybook!' said Tiffany. 'What's it doing turning up in our little river?'

Miss Tick stared at Tiffany for a while, and then said: 'Why do you want to be a witch, Tiffany?'

It had started with The Goode Childe's Booke of Faerie Tales . Actually, it had probably started with a lot of things, but the stories most of all.

Her mother had read them to her when she was little, and then she'd read them to herself. And all the stories had, somewhere, the witch. The wicked old witch.

And Tiffany had thought: Where's the evidence?

The stories never said why she was wicked. It was enough to be an old woman, enough to be all alone, enough to look strange because you had no teeth. It was enough to be called a witch.

If it came to that, the book never gave you the evidence of anything. It talked about 'a handsome prince'... was he really, or was it just because he was a prince that people called him handsome? As for 'a girl who was as beautiful as the day was long'... well, which day? In midwinter it hardly ever got light! The stories didn't want you to think, they just wanted you to believe what you were told...

And you were told that the old witch lived all by herself in a strange cottage made of gingerbread or which ran around on giant hen's feet, and talked to animals, and could do magic.

Tiffany only ever knew one old woman who lived all alone in a strange cottage...

Well, no. That wasn't quite true. But she had only ever known one old woman who lived in a strange house that moved about, and that was Granny Aching. And she could do magic, sheep magic, and she talked to animals and there was nothing wicked about her. That proved you couldn't believe the stories.

And there had been the other old woman, the one who everyone said was a witch. And what had happened to her had made Tiffany very... thoughtful.

Anyway, she preferred the witches to the smug handsome princes and especially to the stupid smirking princesses, who didn't have the sense of a beetle. They had lovely golden hair, too, and Tiffany didn't. Her hair was brown, plain brown. Her mother called it chestnut, or sometimes auburn, but Tiffany knew it was brown, brown, brown, just like her eyes. Brown as earth. And did the book have any adventures for people who had brown eyes and brown hair? No, no, no... it was the blond people with blue eyes and the redheads with green eyes who got the stories. If you had brown hair you were probably just a servant or a woodcutter or something. Or a dairymaid. Well, that was not going to happen, even if she was good at cheese. She couldn't be the prince, and she'd never be a princess, and she didn't want to be a woodcutter, so she'd be the witch and know things, just like Granny Aching—

'Who was Granny Aching?' said a voice.

Who was Granny Aching? People would start asking that now. And the answer was: what Granny Aching was, was there. She was always there. It seemed that the lives of all the Achings revolved around Granny Aching. Down in the village decisions were made, things were done, life went on in the knowledge that in her old wheeled shepherding hut on the hills Granny Aching was there, watching.

And she was the silence of the hills. Perhaps that's why she liked Tiffany, in her awkward, hesitant way. Her older sisters chattered, and Granny didn't like noise. Tiffany didn't make noise when she was up at the hut. She just loved being there. She'd watch the buzzards, and listen to the noise of the silence.