Robert Heinlein - Stranger in a Strange Land

Jubal knew that he could not hope to find the same conditions obtaining at the Executive Palace; Mr. Secretary General would not answer his own phone. But Harshaw had many years of practice in the art of outwitting human customs; he tackled the matter cheerfully, right after breakfast.

Much later he was tired and very frustrated. His name alone had carried him past three layers of the official flapper defense, and he was sufficiently a narrow-gauge V.I.P. that he was never quite switched off. Instead he was referred from secretary to secretary and wound up speaking voice-&-vision to a personable, urbane young man who seemed willing to discuss the matter endlessly and without visible irritation no matter what Harshaw said—but would not agree to connect him with the Honorable Mr. Douglas.

Harshaw knew that he would get action if he mentioned the Man from Mars and that he certainly would get very quick action if he claimed to have the Man from Mars with him, but he was far from certain that the resultant action would be a face-to-face hookup with Douglas. On the contrary, he calculated that any mention of Smith would kill any chance of reaching Douglas but would at once produce violent reaction from subordinates—which was not what he wanted. He knew from a lifetime of experience that it was always easier to dicker with the top man. With Ben Caxton’s life very possibly at stake Harshaw could not risk failure through a subordinate’s lack of authority or excess of ambition.

But this soft brush-off was trying his patience. Finally he snarled, “Young man, if you have no authority yourself, let me speak to someone who has! Put me through to Mr. Berquist.”

The face of the staff stooge suddenly lost its smile and Jubal thought gleefully that he had at last pinked him in the quick. So he pushed his advantage. “Well? Don’t just sit there! Get Gil on your inside line and tell him you’ve been keeping Jubal Harshaw waiting. Tell him how long you’ve kept me waiting.” Jubal reviewed in his own excellent memory all that Witness Cavendish had reported concerning the missing Berquist, plus the report on him from the detective service. Yup, he thought happily, this lad is at least three rungs down the ladder from where Berquist was—so let’s shake him up a little… and climb a couple of rungs in the process.

The face said woodenly, “We have no Mr. Berquist here.”

“I don’t care where he is. Get him! If you don’t know Gil Berquist personally, ask your boss. Mr. Gilbert Berquist, personal assistant to Mr. Douglas. If you’ve been around the Palace more than two weeks you’ve at least seen Mr. Berquist at a distance—thirty-five years old, about six feet and a hundred and eighty pounds, sandy hair a little thin on top, smiles a lot and has perfect teeth. You’ve seen him. If you don’t dare disturb him yourself, dump it in your boss’s lap. But quit biting your nails and do something. I’m getting annoyed.”

Without expression the young man said, “Please hold on. I will enquire.”

“I certainly will hold on. Get me Gil.” The image in the phone was replaced by a moving abstract pattern; a pleasant female voice recorded, said, “Please wait while your call is completed. This delay is not being charged to your account. Please relax while—” Soothing music came up and covered the voice; Jubal sat back and looked around. Anne was waiting, reading, and safely out of the telephone’s vision angle. On his other side the Man from Mars was also out of the telephone’s sight pickup and was watching images in stereovision and listening via ear plugs.

Jubal reflected that he must remember to have that obscene babble box placed in the basement where it belonged, once this emergency was over. “What you got, son?” he asked, leaned over and turned on the speaker to low gain.

Mike answered, “I don’t know, Jubal.”

The sound confirmed what Jubal had suspected from his glance at the image: Smith was listening to a broadcast of a Fosterite service. The imaged Shepherd was not preaching but seemed to be reading church notices: “—junior Spirit-in-Action team will give a practice demonstration before the supper, so come early and see the fur fly! Our team coach, Brother Hornsby, has asked me to tell you boys on the team to fetch only your helmets, gloves, and sticks—we aren’t going after sinners this time. However, the Little Cherubim will be on hand with their first-aid kits in case of excessive zeal.” The Shepherd paused and smiled broadly, “And now wonderful news, My Children! A message from the Angel Ramzai for Brother Arthur Renwick and his good wife Dorothy. Your prayer has been approved and you will go to heaven at dawn Thursday morning! Stand up, Art! Stand up, Dottie! Take a bow!”

The camera angle made a reverse cut, showing the congregation and centering on Brother and Sister Renwick. To wild applause and shouts of “Hallelujah!” Brother Renwick was responding with a boxer’s handshake over his head, while his wife blushed and smiled and dabbed at her eyes beside him.

The camera cut back as the Shepherd held up his hand for silence. He went on briskly, “The Bon Voyage party for the Renwicks will start promptly at midnight and the doors will be locked at that time—so get here early and let’s make this the happiest revelry our flock has ever seen, for we’re all proud of Art and Dottie. Funeral services will be held thirty minutes after dawn, with breakfast immediately following for the benefit of those who have to get to work early.” The Shepherd suddenly looked very stern and the camera panned in until his head filled the tank. “After our last Bon Voyage, the Sexton found an empty pint bottle in one of the Happiness rooms… of a brand distilled by sinners. That’s past and done, as the brother who slipped has confessed and paid penance sevenfold, even refusing the usual cash discount—I’m sure he won’t backslide. But stop and think, My Children—is it worth risking eternal happiness to save a few pennies on an article of worldly merchandise? Always look for that happy, holy seal-of-approval with Bishop Digby’s smiling face on it. Don’t let a sinner palm off on you something ‘just as good.’ Our sponsors support us; they deserve your support. Brother Art, I’m sorry to have to bring up such a subject—”

“That’s okay, Shepherd! Pour it on!”

“—at a time of such great happiness. But we must never forget that—” Jubal reached over and switched off the speaker circuit.

“Mike, that’s not anything you need to see.”

“Not?”

“Uh—” Jubal thought about it. Shucks, the boy was going to have to learn about such things sooner or later. “All right, go ahead. But come talk to me about it later.”

“Yes, Jubal.”

Harshaw was about to add some advice intended to offset Mike’s tendency to take literally anything he saw or heard. But the telephone’s soothing “hold” music suddenly went down and out, and the screen filled with an image—a man in his forties whom Jubal at once labeled in his mind as “cop.”

Jubal said aggressively, “You aren’t Gil Berquist.”

The man said, “What is your interest in Gilbert Berquist?”

Jubal answered with pained patience, “I wish to speak to him. See here, my good man, are you a public employee?”

The man barely hesitated. “Yes. You must—”

“I ‘must’ nothing! I am a citizen in good standing and my taxes go to pay your wages. All morning I have been trying to make a simple phone call—and I have been passed from one butterfly-brained bovine to another, and every one of them feeding out of the public trough. I am sick of it and I do not intend to put up with it any longer. And now you. Give me your name, your job title, and your pay number. Then I’ll speak to Mr. Berquist.”