Robert Heinlein - Stranger in a Strange Land

He was looking that way now and the projected print moved along the screen, but he was not really reading but simply avoiding the eyes of his boss across the table. Mrs. Douglas did not read newspapers; she had other ways of finding out what she needed to know.

“Joseph—”

He looked up and the machine stopped. “Yes, my dear?”

“You have something on your mind—”

“Eh? What makes you say that, my dear?”

“Joseph, I haven’t watched you and coddled you and darned your socks and kept you out of trouble for thirty-five years for nothing. I know when there is something on your mind.”

The hell of it is, he admitted to himself, she does know. He looked at her and wondered why he had ever let her bully him into no-termination contract. Originally she had been only his secretary, back in the days (he thought of them as “The Good Old Days”) when he had been a state legislator, beating the bushes for individual votes. Their first contract had been a simple ninety day cohabitation agreement, supposedly to economize scarce campaign funds by saving on hotel bills; both of them had agreed that it was merely a convenience, with “cohabitation” to be construed simply as living under one roof… and she hadn’t darned his socks even then!

He tried to remember how and when the situation had changed. Mrs. Douglas’s official biography, Shadow of Greatness: One Woman’s Story, stated that he had proposed to her during the counting of ballots in his first election to office—and that such was his romantic need that nothing would do but old-fashioned, death-do-us-part marriage.

Well, he didn’t remember it that way—but there was no use arguing with the official version.

“Joseph! Answer me!”

“Eh? Nothing at all, my dear. I spent a restless night.”

“I know you did. When they wake you up in the middle of the night, don’t you think I know it?”

He reflected that her suite was a good fifty yards across the palace from his. “How do you know it, my dear?”

“Hunh? Woman’s intuition, of course. What was the message Bradley brought you?”

“Please, my dear—I’ve got to finish the morning news before the Council meeting.”

“Joseph Edgerton Douglas, don’t try to evade me.”

He sighed. “The fact is, we’ve lost sight of that beggar Smith.”

“Smith? Do you mean the Man from Mars? What do you mean: ‘lost sight of?’ That’s ridiculous.”

“Be that as it may, my dear, he’s gone. He disappeared from his hospital room sometime late yesterday.”

“Preposterous! How could he do that?”

“Disguised as a nurse, apparently. We aren’t sure.”

“But—Never mind. He’s gone, that’s the main thing. What muddleheaded scheme are you using to get him back?”

“Well, we have some of our own people searching for him. Trusted ones, of course. Berquist—”

“Berquist! That garbage head! When you should have every police officer from the FDS down to precinct truant officers searching for him you send Berquist!”

“But, my dear, you don’t see the situation. We can’t. Officially he isn’t lost at all. You see there’s—well, the other chap. The, uh, ‘official’ Man from Mars,”

“Oh…” She drummed the table. “I told you that substitution scheme would get us in trouble.”

“But, my dear, you suggested it yourself.”

“I did not. And don’t contradict me, Mmm… send for Berquist. I must talk to him at once.”

“Uh, Berquist is out on his trail. He hasn’t reported back yet.”

“Uh? Berquist is probably half way to Zanzibar by now. He’s sold us out, I never did trust that man. I told you when you hired him that—”

“When I hired him?”

“Don’t interrupt—that any man who would take money two ways would take it three ways just as quickly.” She frowned. “Joseph, the Eastern Coalition is behind this. It’s a logical certainty. You can expect a vote-of-confidence move in the Assembly before the day is out.”

“Eli? I don’t see why. Nobody knows about it.”

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake! Everyone will know about it; the Eastern Coalition will see to that. Now keep quiet and let me think.” Douglas shut up and went back to his newspaper. He read that the Los Angeles City County Council had voted to petition the Federation for aid in their smog problems on the grounds the Ministry of Health had failed to provide something or other, it did not matter what—but a sop must be thrown to them as Charlie was going to have a difficult time being re-elected with the Fosterites running their own candidate—he needed Charlie. Lunar Enterprises was off two points at closing, probably, he decided, because of—

“Joseph.”

“Yes, my dear?”

“Our own ‘Man from Mars’ is the one and only; the one the Eastern Coalition will pop up with is a fake. That is how it must be.”

“But, my dear, we can’t make it stick.”

“What do you mean, we can’t? We’re stuck with it, so we’ve got to make it stick.”

“But we can’t. Scientists would spot the substitution at once. I’ve had the devil’s own time keeping them away from him this long.”

“Scientists!”

“But they can, you know.”

“I don’t know anything of the sort. Scientists indeed! Half guess work and half sheet superstition. They ought to be locked up; they ought to be prohibited by law. Joseph, I’ve told you repeatedly the only true science is astrology.”

“Well, I don’t know, my dear. Mind you, I’m not running down astrology—”

“You’d better not! After all it’s done for you.”

“—but I am saying that some of these science professors are pretty sharp. One of them was telling me the other day that there is a star that weighs six thousand times as much as lead. Or was it sixty thousand? Let me see—”

“Bosh! How could they possibly know a thing like that? Keep quiet, Joseph, while I finish this. We admit nothing. Their man is a fake. But in the meantime we make full use of our Special Service squads and grab him back, if possible, before the Eastern Coalition makes its disclosure. If it is necessary to use strong measures and this Smith person gets shot resisting arrest, or something like that, well, it’s too bad, but I for one won’t mourn very long. He’s been a nuisance all along.”

“Agnes! Do you know what you are suggesting?”

“I’m not suggesting anything. People get hurt every day. This matter must be cleared up, Joseph, for everybody. The greatest good of the greatest number, as you are so fond of quoting.”

“But I don’t want to see the lad hurt.”

“Who said anything about hurting him? But you must take firm steps, Joseph; it’s your duty. History will justify you. Which is more important?—to keep things running on an even keel for five billion people, or to go soft and sentimental about one man who isn’t even properly a citizen?”

Douglas didn’t answer. Mrs. Douglas stood up. “Well, I can’t waste the rest of the morning arguing intangibles with you, Joseph; I’ve got to get hold of Madame Vesant at once and have a new horoscope cast for this emergency. But I can tell you this: I didn’t give the best years of my life putting you where you are today just to have you throw it away through lack of backbone. Wipe the egg off your chin.” She turned and left.

The chief executive of the planet remained at the table through two more cups of coffee before he felt up to going to the Council Chamber. Poor old Agnes! So ambitious. He guessed he had been quite a disappointment to her… and no doubt the change of life wasn’t making things any easier for her. Well, at least she was loyal, right to her toes… and we all have our shortcomings; she was probably as sick of him as he—no point in that!