David Garnet - Bikini Planet

This, at least, made sense to Kiru. Everyone had always wanted her dead.

“If a whole planet wants this princess dead,” she said, “isn’t it dangerous to pretend to be her?”

“Only if you’re on that planet.”

“It isn’t the one you want to go to?”

“No.”

For some reason, she believed him.

But for some other reason, she still wasn’t very reassured that this was a good idea.

Then she remembered where she’d first heard of the Algolans. They were the ones who had attacked the pirates, wiping out their secret base, causing so many of them to wind up on Clink.

“Don’t the Algolans have a war fleet?” said Kiru.

Eliot Ness looked at her, obviously wondering how she knew, then nodded.

“Wherever Janesmith is, a battle squadron can suddenly blitz in and destroy the entire world she’s on?”

“Well, yes, in theory. But in practice, a royal death warrant is just a formality, nothing but ancient protocol. The real Janesmith is on Hideaway. If I know that, the Algolans know that.”

“I don’t want to be her.”

“You’d prefer the certainty of dying here, very soon, rather than risk the remote possibility of execution by an alien bounty hunter?”

“Do I have any choice?”

“Trust me,” he said, “I’m not a doctor.”

Wayne Norton had been right about his lifeboat voyage with Grawl.

It was long.

Long and quiet.

As quiet as could be, in fact.

He soon learned to say nothing, to ask nothing, not wanting to discover what measures Grawl would use to enforce his “no talking” edict.

Norton could understand why spacers called the lifeboats “coffins”: This felt like living death.

The only thing which broke the monotony were the cups of tea and the meals which Grawl gave him. Preparation took all of a minute, and Norton really envied the few minutes of distraction which Grawl found every day.

Days became weeks. Counting was Norton’s only pastime, but every addition was even more depressing. There seemed to be enough supplies on board the lifeboat for a lifetime. Both their lifetimes.

Had he lived so long for this? To be cast adrift on the endless ocean of space for the rest of his life?

The long voyage grew even longer.

“Welcome to my humble spacecraft, your majesty,” the first fat alien said to her. “Your wondrous presence lights up the whole ship.”

“Your divine being illuminates the entire galaxy,” the second fat alien said to her.

“Shut your toxic aperture!” said the first fat alien to the second fat alien. “I am captain, and I am talking to the transcendent princess. Please forgive this obscene intrusion, your terrific excellency.”

“You fetid excrement!” said the second fat alien to the first fat alien. “I am the one who is on duty. Not that it is a duty to greet your imperial magnificence, but rather the greatest privilege of my entire life.”

The two aliens were both identical, both almost spherical. Round scaly heads balanced on top of round scaly bodies. Grey on grey, with huge grey eyes. Small and squat, reptilian and repulsive.

Who were they? What were they doing here?

Also, where was here !

And what was she doing here?

She said nothing, did nothing, and tried to remember.

One of the round aliens said, “My whole existence has been a prelude to this moment. Having reached this pinnacle of achievement, from hereafter my career is on the decline.”

The other round alien said, “You must ignore my insubstantial crew, your great greatness. I will have it expelled into space like the putrid garbage it is. Say the word, and I shall also step out into the void so the entire ship can be yours and you are not contaminated by my wretched self.”

“Please, your acclaimed wonderfulness, ignore this anorexic peasant. If such is your wish, of course. Whatever your glorious self commands or desires, it is yours. While you are on board, this ship is your ship and I am your captain,” said the other spherical alien.

“No,” continued the previous one, “ I am your esteemed luminescence’s captain. It was I who came to the rescue of your unique superlativeness. I seek no compensation for all my exertions and expenses, although if your prestigious self were to offer a reward for your salvation I would not be so rude and ignorant as to refuse any such tokens of gratitude.”

She was on board their spaceship. They had rescued her.

But what had they rescued her from?

She felt exhausted, unable to stand, hardly even able to move. Although there were only two of the grotesque aliens, she was surrounded. The creatures kept rolling from side to side, wobbling all around her, and she couldn’t tell which was which. As they were exactly the same, it made no real difference.

She had found herself in a huge spherical room which was so bright she had to narrow her eyes, and yet it was a negative light which seemed to defy the laws of physics. The vast room was so bright that it was almost dark. The aliens were grey, and so was she, but they all cast brilliant shadows against the curved floor, the distant walls, the high ceiling.

The shape of the room seemed very familiar, reminding her of somewhere else, somewhere much smaller.

She tried to remember where it was.

And who she was.

“Does your majestic majesty understand me?” said one of the round creatures.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Paradise!” said the alien which had last spoken. “Did you hear that, you emaciated dirtbrain? Our honoured guest addressed me. Me! Not you.”

“Can you hear me?” said the other grey alien, as it bobbed up and down and around. “Can you hear me? Can you? Can you?”

“Yes,” she repeated, “I can hear you.”

“Heaven, absolute heaven!” said the same alien. “This revered high personage can also hear me, you malnourished bacteria.”

Their heads were gnarled and wrinkled with creases and cracks which could have been eyes and ears and noses, but there was nothing which moved like a mouth while they spoke. The sounds the aliens made seemed to come from deep within them, echoing and gurgling upward through layers of bubbling fat.

They were only half her height, although probably four times her weight, and she wondered if she should have been scared of them. She was too confused even to be nervous.

“Have you found the correct reference yet, you virulent wart?” said the other alien, or perhaps the one who had just spoken.

“Here it is, you starving excuse for a life.”

For the first time, the two round creatures became still, gazing up at an array of multicoloured lights which hovered in the air a few metres above their round heads.

“This odd being does not look like an Algolan,” said one of them.

“Maybe it is a bad picture, germ-features,” said the other. “Try a different reference work.”

The lights blinked out, to be replaced a moment later by another rainbow of luminescence. The aliens remained motionless, staring at the glow.

While they looked up, she looked for an escape route. She wasn’t in danger, not yet, but that might not last. Even if she could recognise a way out, that might be even more risky.

Her body was slumped, her shoulders stooped, and her knees bent. She tried shifting her legs to become more comfortable. They would hardly move. It was as if her feet were stuck to the floor, which made the idea of escape even more theoretical. She peered up at the phosphorescent swirl, but she could see no pattern.

It seemed the aliens, however, could.

“Almost the same illustration, you disgusting skeleton.”