Alastair Reynolds - Absolution Gap

“How do you know what I’m wondering?” Rashmika asked.

“Well, you are, aren’t you?”

She half-scowled. “And you’d know all about them, I suppose?”

“They’re charges,” he said amicably, as if he was accustomed to this kind of rudeness. “Nuclear demolition charges. They’re being used by Permanent Way teams clearing the road ahead of the cathedrals. God’s Fire.”

She had already guessed that the explosions had something to do with the Way. “I didn’t think they ever used anything like that.”

“Mostly they don’t. I haven’t been keeping up with the news, but they must have hit some unusually heavy obstructions. They could clear it with conventional charges and digging, if they had all the time in the world. But of course that’s the one thing they never have, not when those cathedrals are coming closer all the while. My guess is it was a rearguard spoiler action:”

“Oh, do please enlighten me.”

“It’s what happens when the cathedrals at the back begin to lose ground. Sometimes they sabotage the Way behind them to cause trouble for the leading cathedrals when they come round again on the next loop. Of course, it’s nothing anyone can ever prove…”

She studied his clothing: trousers and a high-collared loose-sleeved shirt; light, flat-soled shoes; everything grey and nondescript. No indication of rank, status, wealth or religious affiliation.

“Who are you?” Rashmika asked. “You’re talking to me as if we’ve already met, but I don’t know you at all.”

“But you do know me,” the young man said.

His face said that he was telling the truth, or at least not believing himself to be lying. His certainty made her all the less willing to give ground, irrational as that was.

“I think you’re mistaken.”

“What I mean is, we have met. And I believe you owe me a debt of gratitude.”

“Do I, now?”

“I saved your life—when you were on the roof, looking down the access shaft. You nearly fell, and I caught you.”

“That wasn’t you,” she said. “That was…”

“An Observer? Yes, it was. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t me.”

“Don’t be silly,” Rashmika said.

“Why don’t you believe me? Did you see my face?”

“Not clearly, no.”

‘Then you have no reason to think it wasn’t me, either. Yes, I know it could have been anyone up there. But who else saw what happened?“

“You can’t be an Observer.”

“No, not now I can’t.”

She did not want his company. Not specifically his company, but company in general. She wanted only to observe the slow approach to the bridge, to compose her thoughts as they made the crossing, mentally mapping the difficult terrain that lay ahead of her. She did not want idle conversation or distraction, most certainly not with the sort of person he claimed to be.

“What do you mean by that?” she asked. “Are you an Observer or aren’t you?”

“I was, but now I’m not.”

She felt a flicker of sympathy. “Because of what happened on the roof?”

“No. That didn’t help, certainly, but my doubts had already set in before that happened.”

“Oh.” Then her conscience was clear.

“I can’t say you didn’t play a small part in it, though.”

“What?”

“I saw you the first time you came up. I was on the viewing platform, with the others. We were supposed to be concentrating on Haldora, blocking out all external distractions. They could make it easy for us by physically restricting our view, forcing our eyes to stay locked on the planet, but that’s not the way it’s done. There has to be an element of discipline, an element of self-control. We’re supposed to look at Haldora for every instant of the day, despite the distractions. There are devices in the helmets that monitor how well we do that, recording every twitch of the eye. And I saw you. Only in my peripheral vision, to begin with. My eye made an involuntary movement to bring you into focus and I lost contact with Haldora for a fraction of a second.”

“Naughty,” she said.

“Naughtier than you think. There would have been a disciplinary measure for just that violation. It’s not so much the fact that I looked away as that I was occupying a space on the roof that might have been used by someone more vigilant. That was the sin, because in that instant there was always a chance—no matter how small—that Haldora might vanish. And someone else would have been denied the chance of witnessing that miracle because I had the weakness of mind to look away.”

“But it didn’t vanish. You’re off the hook.”

“I assure you that isn’t the way they see it.” He looked down, sheepishly, she thought. “Anyway, it’s academic: I made things a lot worse. I didn’t look back towards Haldora even when I was consciously aware that I’d lost contact. I just watched you, straining to hold you in focus, not daring to move any part of my body. I couldn’t see your face, but I could see the way you moved. I knew you were a woman, and when I realised that it just made it worse. It wasn’t idle curiosity any more. I wasn’t simply being distracted by some oddity in the landscape.”

When he said “woman” she felt a quiet thrill that she hoped did not show in her face. When had anyone ever called her that before without prefacing it with “young,” or something equally diminishing?

She blushed. “You can’t possibly have known who I was, though.”

“No,” he said, “not for certain. But when you came up again, I thought, ‘She must be a very independent-minded person.’ Nobody else had come up on to the roof the whole time I was there. And when you nearly had your accident… well, then I did see your face. Not clearly, but enough to know I’d recognise you again.” He paused, and for a moment watched the rolling view himself. “I did have my doubts,” he said, “even when I saw you here. But when I saw the flashes, I knew I had to take the chance. I’m glad I did. You seem like a nice person, and now you’ve as good as admitted you were the same person I helped up on the roof. Do you mind if I ask your name?”

“Provided you tell me yours.”

“Pietr,” he said. “Pietr Vale. I’m from Skull Cliff, in the Hyrrokkin lowlands.”

“Rashmika Els,” she said guardedly. “From High Scree, in the Vigrid badlands.”

“I thought I recognised the accent. I guess I’m not really a badlander myself, but we’re not from places so very far apart, are we?”

Rashmika felt torn between politeness and hostility. “I think you’ll find we’re a lot further apart than you realise.”

“Why do you say that? We’re both going south, aren’t we? Both taking the caravan towards the Way. How different can we be?”

“Very,” Rashmika said. “I’m not on a pilgrimage. I’m on an… enquiry.”

He smiled. “Call it what you will.”

“I’m on personal business. Personal secular business. Business that has nothing to do with your religion—which, incidentally, I do not believe in—but which has everything to do with right and wrong.”

“I was right. You really are a serious and determined person.”

She didn’t like that. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to your friends?”

“They won’t let me back,” he said. “They might have tolerated a moment of inattention; they might even have forgiven me a lapse of the kind I mentioned before. But once you leave them, that’s it. You’re poisoned. There is no way back.”

“Why did you leave?”

“Because of you, as I said. Because seeing you up there opened a glint of doubt in my armour. I don’t suppose it was ever very secure, or I wouldn’t have noticed you in the first place. But by the second occasion, when you nearly fell, I was already doubting that I had the conviction to continue.” At that, Rashmika started to say something, but he held up his hand and continued. “You shouldn’t blame yourself. Really, it could have been anyone up there. My faith was never as strong as the others‘. And when I thought about what lay ahead, what I was setting myself up for, I knew I didn’t have the strength to go through with it.”