Connie Willis - Passage

The door seemed much farther away than it had the last time, and the passage impossibly long, or maybe that was because the door was only open an inch or so. The light that came from it lit the first few feet of the floor and walls, and she could make out shapes in the darkness even closer than that. Doors lined both sides of the hall at even intervals, like in a hotel.

Not a hotel, she thought. What else had long halls lined with doors? Mercy General? No, it wasn’t a hospital either. Patients’ doors were nearly always open. These were all closed, and the hall was narrower than a hospital corridor.

And she had obviously been in hospitals. I’ve never been here before, she thought. So what else had long, narrow halls lined with doors that she would recognize without ever having been there? Versailles? No, it had mirrors, didn’t it? A mansion?

“ ‘In my Father’s house are many mansions,’ ” Mrs. Woollam had told her, but she had meant a heavenly mansion. A palace? That seemed to ring a bell, although a palace would have carpeting, wouldn’t it, not wooden floors? And she could see the floor in the little pool of light from under the door. It was made of long, narrow varnished boards. Impossibly long. Like the passage, she thought, but when she began walking toward the door, it was not nearly as far away as she’d thought.

It’s the floor, she thought, stopping halfway to the door. There’s something about it that makes the hall look longer than it is, or something about the way the floor looks as it meets the door. She squinted at the place where they met, and as she did, the light seemed to waver, becoming dimmer, then brighter, then obscured again, flickering. No, moving.

No, the light wasn’t moving. Something in front of it was. There was someone, or something, behind the door, walking, blocking the light as it moved. “What if it’s something terrible?” Vielle had said. A tiger, pacing back and forth.

No one has ever mentioned a tiger in his NDE, she told herself. It’s a person walking back and forth, and she thought she heard a murmur of voices. She moved forward, keeping her eyes on the line of light, straining to hear.

“What’s happened?” a woman said, and the pattern of light shifted, as if the woman had taken a step toward the door.

Joanna moved closer. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” a man’s voice said.

More shadows as they walked between her and the light. “It’s so cold,” the woman said.

“I’ll get you a blanket,” Richard said, and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.

“No, not me. The woman,” Joanna said and realized she was in the lab.

She opened her eyes. Her sleep mask was off, and her headphones, and Tish was spreading the white cotton blanket over her. Richard’s face appeared above her. “Did you see the same thing this time?” he asked.

“Don’t lead,” Joanna said. “Where’s the recorder?”

“Right here,” Richard said and switched it on. “What did you see this time?”

“It was the same place as before. It’s a hallway, with doors along the sides and a door at the end.” She told him about the hall seeming longer than it was and about the voices. “The woman said, ‘What’s happened?’ and the man said, ‘I’m sure it’s nothing,’ and then the woman, I think it was the same one, said, ‘It’s so cold.’ ”

“Are you sure you heard the woman say it?” Richard asked, and then explained, “You said, ‘It’s so cold,’ five minutes after the NDE, while you were in non-REM sleep.”

“That’s why I brought you the blanket,” Tish said.

“No, I’m sure she said it,” Joanna said. “I must have repeated it afterward. I didn’t have any reason to say it. I wasn’t cold.”

“You’re shivering,” Tish said.

“No, I’m not—” Joanna began, and realized her teeth were chattering. Amelia gets cold, too, she thought.

“You weren’t cold during the NDE?” Richard asked.

“No, it wasn’t cold in the passage.”

“You said the woman said it was,” Tish pointed out.

“But she was outside,” Joanna said.

“You saw what was beyond the door?” Richard asked.

“No, I…” she said, and stopped, wondering how she knew the people were outside. The door hadn’t looked like an outside door, and she had not seen anything except shadows. “I don’t know why I think they were outside. It’s just a feeling.”

“You say it wasn’t cold in the passage. Was it warm?”

“No,” Joanna said. “I didn’t notice anything about the temperature. And when I saw the light I didn’t feel the warmth and love other NDEers have described. I felt anxiety at what might be behind the door, and otherwise, nothing.”

“Did you feel detached, as if you were observing yourself?”

“No,” she said definitely. “I was there, experiencing the hallway and the light under the door and the voices. The vision is very convincing. It feels totally real.”

“And you experienced voices, but you didn’t see anyone?”

“Not unless you count the shadows of their feet from under the door.”

Richard was busily taking notes. “Okay, tunnel, light, voices. Out-of-body experience?”

“No.”

“What about the sound? Did you hear it this time?”

“The sound,” Joanna said, disgusted. “I fully intended to listen to it and identify it, and then when I got there I forgot all about it in trying to remember where I knew the hallway from.”

“You experienced the déjà vu again?”

“It’s not déjà vu,” she said. “I’ve had that sensation, where it feels like you’ve been somewhere or done something before, even though you know you haven’t. This wasn’t like that. I felt…” she paused, “…I knew I’d never been there before, but… I recognized it.”

“You recognized it?” Tish asked curiously. “Where was it?”

“I don’t know,” Joanna said, frustrated. “I felt I could almost…” She reached out her hand, as if to grab at the knowledge. One of my patients made a gesture just like that, she thought. I need to find her account and see what she was talking about.

“Do you still have the feeling?” Richard was asking.

“No.”

“Sound, tunnel, light, voices, sense of recognition,” he said, ticking them off. “What about a command to return?”

“No, no one ordered me to return. They didn’t even know I was there.”

“It’s still five of the core elements,” Richard said, looking happy. “I think if I adjust the dosage, we may get all ten. And this feeling of recognition is very interesting.”

Joanna’s teeth had begun to chatter again. “Can we finish this after I get dressed?” she asked. “I’m freezing to death. Are you finished monitoring me, Tish?”

Tish nodded, and Joanna slid off the table and padded across the lab to the dressing room, holding the blanket tightly around her. She went into the dressing room, shut the door, and reached for her blouse. As she did, she caught sight of her image in the mirror on the door, and the feeling of recognition hit her again. I know, I know where it is, she thought.

The feeling only lasted for an instant. In the time it took for her to turn and face the mirror straight on, it faded to nothing, and she was left staring at her image, wondering what it was that had triggered it. The blanket or the door?

As soon as she was dressed, she told Richard about it. “Could it have been the mirror itself?” he said, looking at the mirror on the door. “Did you see a mirror in your NDE? Or a reflection of something?”

“Leading,” Joanna said. “No.”

“But it was the same feeling of déjà vu?”

“It’s not déjà vu. I’ve never been there, but I knew where it was. It was like knowing you were in Paris because you recognized the Eiffel Tower, even though you’ve never been there before. Except that I can’t place it,” she finished lamely.