Lois Bujold - Captain Vorpatril's alliance

“Or we might find some pots in here.”

A smile moved his lips for the first time since the near-fire. “Priceless porcelain vases from the Time-of-Isolation, perhaps? Did they make porcelain back them? Not sure. Or carved jadeite bowls, those were popular once, I think. Worth thousands, now. Hell, maybe some ghem-general collected old Barrayaran Imperial chamber pots. I know they had those , seen ’em in the Residence. For all I know, still used by the more conservative Vorish guests.”

A little laugh puffed her lips.

It was quiet for a time. “Now what?” she said after a while, wondering if it would help any to breathe less deeply. Likely not.

“Now what what?” He sounded, if not sleepy, very tired.

She was exhausted, she realized. What time was it? So late it was early, it felt like. Some cusp of night. “What did you do the last time you were stuck in a hole like this? To pass the time?”

“It wasn’t a hole like this. It was a lot darker. And smaller. And wetter. Though air was not an issue. This is practically a palace, by comparison.”

“Still.”

“Well. First there was a lot of screaming. And pounding on the walls. And more screaming.”

“I don’t think that would help, here.”

“It didn’t help there, either. Screaming back at death doesn’t help. Pounding on the walls till your hands bleed…doesn’t help.”

She captured one now, and stroked it till it unclenched, releasing the memory. “What does help?”

“Well, Miles. Eventually. Though I note that he’s on another planet right now. Mind you, he wasn’t much help—the first thing he wanted me to do was hide from the bad guys by going back down in that bloody hole.”

“Did you?”

“Well, yes.”

“Why?”

“It…was the right thing to do. At the time. It all worked out, anyway.”

“And then?”

“Huh?”

“You said first. What was next?”

“Oh. When I was still trapped. I actually got, um, a little strange after a while. I tried to sing myself all the old Imperial scout camp songs that I could remember, from when I was a spotty whelp. And then the rude versions. Except I couldn’t remember enough of them, and then I ran out.” He added after a minute, “But then, I was alone.” And after another minute, “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but I kinda wish I was alone again. And you…back in our bed, maybe. Sleeping dreamlessly.”

She returned his apologetic hug. “Same to you.”

“Let’s be sensible and wish for both of us there, while we’re wishing. I mean, it’s not like wishes are rationed .”

“Good point.” Except…she was glad he wasn’t alone to face this unnerving reminder of what sounded, despite his making light of it, like the most terrifying hours of his younger life. It was not an erotic moment; imminent death by suffocation was a bit of a mood-killer. But it was good to just sit, not going anywhere, cuddling contentedly.

“Tej…” he said, and his voice was oddly uncertain. “There’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while.”

She blinked into the crowding shadows. “Now would probably be a good time to get it in, yeah.”

He drew a long, long breath. It must be important; they’d both been breathing shallowly, when they’d remembered to. “Tej. Will you stay with me for the rest of my life?”

At the little jump of the laugh in her chest, his encircling arm tightened, heartened and heartening. He’d intended her to laugh, she guessed. Ivan Xav was good at that, it occurred to her. Making light in dark places.

“That…might not be too hard a commitment, I suppose. Right now.”

“Well, it’s not the sort of question a fellow wants to take a chance with, you know.” His voice was rueful.

They were both, she noticed, holding on harder. How much courage had that question taken? More than the first time he’d asked, she suspected. She turned her head to watch his profile, looking out into the shadows of the chamber. “Where would I go? Upstairs?”

“I would follow you to the ends of the bunker,” he promised.

Which kind of was the ends of their universe, currently. Who could promise more?

She, too, drew a long breath, because he was worth it. “Do you know what the third thing was I was going to ask you if I’d won our bet? Which I did do, just pointing that out.”

“Tell me, my little wheeler-dealer.”

“I was going to ask if I could stay with you. When my family left.”

“Ah.” His voice brightened; his lips curved up. “Now, isn’t that a happy coincidence.”

“ I thought so.” She hitched around and pillowed her head on his shoulder; he stroked her tangled curls.

If it seems too good to be true , her Dada had used to warn Tej, it probably is. A much lesser man than Ivan Xav might have appeared to offer escape enough from her beloved, overpowering, constricting, maddening family. Not quite anyone with a pulse , but such a choice had been scarily close a few times. And then she wouldn’t have this . Maybe only love gave you more than what you’d dealt for.

Oh. So that’s what this is. Oh…

So…if you spurned a miracle because it seemed to come too easily, would you ever get another? She suspected not.

Hang on to this one, then. Hang on for all you’re worth.

Their breathing slowed in their shared warmth; that was good. “You know what I like best about you, Ivan Xav?” she asked, newly shy in her illumination.

He turned his chin into her hair in an inquiring sort of way. “My shiny groundcar? My Vorish insouciance? My astounding sexual prowess? My…my mother? Dear God, you’re not taking me for the sake of getting my um-stepfather?”

“Well, I do like them both very much, but no. What I like best about you, Ivan Xav, is that you’re nice . And you make me laugh.” She smiled now, into his shoulder.

“That…doesn’t seem like much.” He sounded a bit taken aback.

“Yes,” she sighed, “but consider the context .”

He stared out into the dark room. “Ah,” he said after a minute. “Oh.”

Ivan Xav makes light for me. Even here. To the ends of their universe…maybe even to the ends of their lives. Where light would be wanted, she was pretty sure.

They both fell silent for a time, conserving heat together.

Tej stretched the crick in her neck, and said, “Remember the first thing you said to me?”

His face scrunched up. “ Hi, there, Nametag, I have this vase to go to Barrayar…? ”

She giggled. “No, after that. Do you recall that entire—never mind. But you made an indelible first impression.”

“So did you—you shot me.”

“No, Rish did.” Her breath caught at the name, and Ivan Xav went still; they both looked up toward the face of the lab with the tunnel entrance. But it remained very quiet on the floor above. Tej controlled her wobble; tried to recapture their fragile moment of peace, but maybe all such moments were fleeting. If the good ones fleet, so must the bad ones . If you don’t pack them up and carry them with you, like…like anti-treasures. “Well, we couldn’t let you get away. That would have been…a huge mistake.” Speaking of understatements. The greatest mistake of her life, and she wouldn’t even have known it. The chill of that thought was like some predatory shadow passing overhead…and passing on. He saved my life. In more ways than one. “No. It was about your first rule of picking up girls.”

“Don’t remember that,” he—lied prudently, she suspected.

“You said you’d never give up till I laughed.” She hesitated. “ She laughs, you live. ”