Leo Frankowski - Copernick's Rebellion

“Nothing to it. The problem is making them not reproduce. You see, you got to make sure that you got as many houses or fauns as you need. But you also got to make sure that you don’t get too many. We can’t have tree houses crowding each other for sunlight, or Liebchens running around like unloved alley cats.”

Liebchen shuddered at the word “unloved,” but topped off the glasses.

“There is got to be harmony, or the world me and Heiny are building would be just as cruel as the one nature made. With the trees, it’s easy. Each tree grows seeds in a cupboard, which stay there until you pick them. If you want a house, you find one just like what you want and ask the owner for a seed. Then you got to plant it and water it every day for three months. So it can’t just happen by accident. And the grown tree is got to have people living in it, for the fertilizer. So you got balance. Mutual need. Symbiosis.”

Liebchen was keeping the glasses filled. Guibedo was drinking far more than usual. Patricia was drinking on the theory that she needed the antifreeze.

“With intelligent animals, they can make their own decisions. We make them so they got to be real happy before they can have kids. And you have to ask them please, real often, before they get pregnant.”

“Show Liebchen can get knocked up whenever she wants to?” The champagne was starting to tell on Patty.

“Liebchen is knocked up now! Fauns is way different from humans. Like their body temperature is eight degrees cooler than ours, which is why fauns don’t wear clothes around here, but humans do.” Well, Guibedo thought, looking through Patricia’s transparent blouse to her bikini bottoms, most humans do.

“And which is also why we keep the temperature in here at sixty-five degrees.”

Now that the subject had been brought up, Patricia was too comfortable to want to do anything about it.

“Like they can only eat a special fluid what the tree makes, which contains everything they need and nothing else. Liebchen’s small intestine just keeps getting smaller until it ends. The only holes she’s got are in her pretty head. She has breasts because they’re pretty and because fauns is to take care of human children.”

Guibedo gently put his fingertips on Patricia’s right nipple. She didn’t seem to mind. Actually, she didn’t even notice.

“Ach, I talk and talk and so late it gets. Come on, Patty. Is time for bed.”

Leaning drunkenly together, their arms about each other for support, Guibedo led Patricia through a branch to his bedroom.

“Ach, it will be so nice,” Guibedo said gently. “You sleep with me tonight.”

Patricia was shocked sober in an instant. It had simply never occurred to her to think of kindly, wise old Guibedo as a sexual being.

“Uh… I…” For a second she stood tongue-tied, then Patricia ran down to the living room.

Guibedo was equally confused. He stood motionless for a while, then turned to his bedroom, flopped on the bed, and cried himself asleep.

A knowledgeable and sober observer would have understood the problem. Guibedo and Patricia had vastly different cultural backgrounds and, as a result, used totally different body languages. To Guibedo, when a nearly nude woman aggressively snuggles into your arms, she is obviously eager for sex. By Patricia’s standards, she was properly dressed and was merely being friendly to a nice old man.

Meanwhile, Liebchen was snuggled up on her favorite couch—the broad comfortable back of an LDU. Something about Dirk’s inherent deadliness always excited her, and he reciprocated by doing for her whatever small favors he could. Just now his skin was a good imitation of a Campbell Tartan because Liebchen liked Scottish Tartans. Crouched down, doing his usual guard duty he looked like a big oval pillow. Patricia had just spent hours in the same room with him without being aware of his existence.

Liebchen was startled awake as Patricia blundered, crying, toward the door. The ways of humans would ever be a mystery to Liebchen, but her programming put courtesy and hospitality first. “My lady! Are you in pain?”

Patricia stopped. “Uh… No. I… I’m okay. But I’ve got to go now.”

“But my lady! It is so late. Where would you go? How could you find your way in the dark?”

There was a certain logic in what the faun said.

“There is a guest room behind the kitchen, my lady. It has a lock on the door, and a private exit. Oh, please, my lady. Accept our hospitality.”

After a bit of confused argument, Patricia agreed. She fell asleep on the guest bed, trying to sort out what had happened.

The next morning, Patricia and Liebchen sat alone at the breakfast table.

“My lady, I do not understand what happened last night.”

“I’m not sure I understand it myself, Liebchen.”

“Does it have to do with your bisexual reproduction custom?”

“Reproduction? Well, not exactly, except in a roundabout way,” said Patricia. How do you explain romantic love to an asexual being?

“And my Lord Guibedo found you to be a suitable mate, but you rejected him?”

“I didn’t exactly reject him, I just didn’t want—Liebchen, I can’t explain it to you.”

“My lady, you have mated before, haven’t you?” Liebchen persisted.

“Uh… Yes. Of course. I’m twenty-nine, Liebchen.”

“Were the others as intelligent as my Lord Guibedo?”

“Goodness, no! I’ve never met anyone with a brain like his. Why, he broke the genetic code singlehanded.”

“Were the others as warm and generous as my Lord Guibedo?”

“They were nice, but so is Dr. Guibedo.”

“My lady, if Lord Guibedo is superior to your earlier mates, why did you accept them and reject him?”

“Liebchen, I know I won’t explain it right, but there are other things a girl looks for in a man. I mean, Dr. Guibedo’s nice, but he’s so old and, uh, portly.”

“And your programming requires that your mates have certain physical characteristics?”

“Programming! Liebchen, I wasn’t programmed! I was raised naturally.”

“All beings are programmed, my lady. We engineered life forms are programmed rationally. Natural life forms are programmed in a somewhat random manner. But they are programmed nonetheless.”

“I don’t want to argue with you, Liebchen.” Patricia decided to change the subject. “This breakfast is delicious.”

“Thank you, my lady. I thought that it would be what was desired by one of your… background. You must try this.” Liebchen handed Patricia a glass. “I made it specially for you.”

The liquid looked like a mixture of milk and pink grapefruit juice, but it was hard to say no to someone as eager as Liebchen. Patricia took a polite sip.

“Thank you. It is good.” She took a larger drink. “In fact, it’s great!” Patricia finished the glass. “What do you call it?”

“It doesn’t have a name yet, my lady.”

“Then what is it?” Patricia felt suddenly sleepy, and slumped onto the table, unconscious.

When Patricia was completely unconscious, Liebchen said, “It is a light dose of a behavioral modification compound that will change your perceptions and programming somewhat, my lady. It will increase the happiness of all concerned.” Liebchen was programmed to always give a human a complete answer.

When Guibedo came in, unshaven and looking at the floor, Patricia was up and smiling.

“Good morning. I’m glad you’re still here, Patty. I’ve got to apologize for last night. Maybe I drank too much, but I was way out of line.”

Patricia got up and put her arms around Guibedo, her fingertips not quite touching each other behind him. She kissed him full on the mouth. “There’s nothing to apologize for, handsome.”