Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

“They’re no friend of mine,” Karnage spat.

“So I’ve heard. You’ve been quite a thorn in their side. Practically the bane of their existence. Do you know how stupid you’ve been, Major? I’m not talking slightly stupid here. I mean bone-headed, drool-running-down-the-chin level of stupid. Nobody was ever out to hurt you, you know. They were never trying to harm you. They were acting as my agents. You were to be the vessel from which I would rule. My intellect would have been yours, as yours would have been mine. Our minds would have become one. It is the ultimate gift the universe can bestow upon anyone, and you threw it away. ‘Thanks but no thanks, fellas. I’d rather just run around yelling at things while I pretend that I’m saving the world.’ It has been embarrassing to watch, Major. Beyond embarrassing. To think, I was supposed to be bonded to you. I get nauseated at the very thought.

“Fortunately, I was able to find something a little more to my liking. Do you like it?” The Intelligence forced Sydney to arch her back and place an arm suggestively on her hip. “It’s a bit of a tighter fit than I would have liked, but I’m sure it will stretch a bit with wear. Like an old shoe.”

Karnage lunged forward, his teeth bared. “Leave her the fuck alone, you squidbug freak!”

“Ah yes. Squidbug. What a completely inappropriate name for my followers. Still, it does do a good job of degrading them, doesn’t it? ‘They’re not intelligent creatures. They’re nothing like us. They’re squidbugs .’ It always helps to dehumanize your enemy, doesn’t it?

“Tell me, Major, how will it make you feel once I ‘dehumanize’ the entire human race? What then? Will you attack them as quickly as you’ve attacked my people? Would you gleefully destroy your own kind in some ill-conceived desire for racial purity? There’s a part of me that’s curious to know the answer. And it’s that part that has brought you here.”

The Intelligence forced Sydney to step back and spread her arms wide. “Here you are: faced with your own kind. One who holds a certain amount of affection for you. But she’s no longer your kind anymore. She’s a squidbug now. One of us. The Enemy. She may not look much like it now, but give me some more time. I’ll make her beautiful. Like Flaherty. Or maybe more like Captain Riggs. Oh, I love that look in your eye. You really want to do something about it, don’t you? Tell me, Major: do you have it in you? Would you kill her? I’m thinking no. You couldn’t bring yourself to kill Flaherty or Riggs. And if ever there were two men on this planet who you would want dead, it would be those two. So what about Sydney, Major? What about someone you truly care about? Will you have an easier time killing her? Let’s find out, shall we?”

The Intelligence stuck out Sydney’s pinky fingers and raised her up on her toes. “I’ve been dying to put her martial arts skills to the test. Her knowledge of human anatomy is surprisingly extensive. I look forward to absorbing this ‘Uncle’ character. He should prove to be an interesting conquest. But first…”

Green energy shot from the tips of Sydney’s hair. It ran up the walls and around the myriad hatchways lining the walls. The hatches sealed over with a translucent grey film. The floor shuddered, and the tunnels beyond the hatches whisked away in a blur of motion, replaced with misty grey, then brilliant blue sky.

Karnage felt himself thrown to the ground by powerful G-forces. Sydney stood above him, completely unaffected. The sky outside quickly faded from blue to dark purple, then finally worked into a rich, deep black. Tiny points of white dotted the sky. A curve of blue earth emerged through the hatchways, rapidly shrinking until it was just another tiny dot of light in a sea of sparkling black.

The Intelligence looked out the window approvingly. “There you are, Major. We are finally alone. No one around for millions of kilometres. It’s just the two of us now. Mano a mano, as they say.” The Intelligence raised Sydney up onto her tiptoes. “I look forward to thrusting you harshly into that good night.”

At the Intelligence’s insistence, Sydney leaped forward.

Karnage recognized the familiar attack pattern of fingers and toes flying at him from all directions. He tried to dodge, tried to defend himself, but the spacesuit slowed him down.

He felt a touch to the small of his back, and his legs buckled. A second touch to his shoulder shot pain up and down his spine, temporarily paralyzing him as he fell hard to the ground. He quickly rolled onto his back, his entire body screaming in agony. The Intelligence as Sydney sprang up onto his body, and perched on her pinky toes on his chest. Karnage could barely gasp and wheeze as she stood over him, her squiggly eyes glinting.

“Well, that wasn’t exactly fair, now was it, Major? Those touches should have killed you. And yet, you live. Your spacesuit turned out to be of use to you after all. Oh well. Live and learn. I’ll be sure to apply a bit firmer pressure this time. Say goodbye, Major.”

Karnage looked up into those squiggly eyes. He was overwhelmed by their malevolence, their sheer self-assured arrogance.

“You’ve got to use your head, Major.”

Karnage took in what breath he could, and he laughed. It was barely a wheezy chuckle, but he laughed. The Intelligence cocked Sydney’s head to one side. “You find this all funny, do you? I’ll be interested to see how much you laugh with my next blow. It should be quite excruciating. A real scream.”

Karnage shook his head. “Go ahead. Do your worst, cuz the joke’s gonna be on you. You’re so cocksure. So goddamn full of yourself. So sure of your own infallibility. Oh, go ahead and kill me and make sure I’m in agony. Make it last a long, long time. Cuz I want to savour this moment, you little fuckmonkey.

“You never found a better choice than me. You were duped. Bamboozled. Cookie figured out a way to use your own damn arrogance against you. I get it now. Oh, I get how he did it. And it’s a thing o’ beauty. The kind of thing only somebody like Cookie would see.

“You think you’re better than me. Thought you could do better than some crazy old man locked up in an insane asylum. I think I damn well offended your sensibilities. Hell, you probably hung your head in shame when you saw I was the best the Earth had to offer. You couldn’t stand it, could you? And old Cookie, all he had to do was whisper that sweet poison in your ear: ‘Here’s someone better. Here’s someone a little more to your likin’.’ And you fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. What a dupe. Oh, what a dupe.

“So go ahead. Kill me. Destroy your perfect host. Considerin’ all the time and effort you put into finding little old insignificant me, I’m thinkin’ you need the host to be perfect. Otherwise, why go with me? Why not a Dabney? I bet they were linin’ up to volunteer. No. You need me for some reason. I don’t get what, but you do. But it don’t matter, does it? Cuz you’re gonna kill me anyway.”

“You lie,” the Intelligence said. “You’re trying to save your life.”

Karnage shook his head. “Nope. Wrong again. It ain’t me I’m tryin’ to save. It’s Sydney. Let her go. She ain’t a good match. She’s a tight fit, remember? You’re not gonna wear her in. You’re just gonna wear her out. And what happens then? Shit, I’d love to see that. Love to see you with egg on your face. You’ll probably spew some bullshit to cover your ass, but that won’t matter. Cuz I know—I know right now. So you torture me all you like, cuz I’m gonna laugh my ass off the whole time. I’m gonna laugh my way right to hell.”

The Intelligence looked suspiciously at Karnage from behind Sydney’s eyes. Karnage went on: “You got ways of checkin’ this, don’t you? I’m sure someone as high and mighty as you must have some way of sniffin’ out a primitive old mind like Cookie’s. Go on. Give it a shot. See for yourself if I’m wrong.”