Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

Karnage shook his head. “I can’t.” He drew his pistol.

“Don’t be an idiot, Major,” Sydney shouted. “You can’t take them on by yourself!”

“I’m not.” Karnage emptied the gun into the steam pipe, ripping open a wide gaping hole. Fountains of steam shot into the corridor, billowing towards him. Karnage turned and ran. His Sanity Patch buzzed incessantly as the steam burned the back of his neck. He heard loud squiggly cries of pain behind him. There was a faint whiff of steamed calamari in the air, and the rhythmic clacking on the pipe stopped.

The steam tunnel joined with a narrow maintenance shaft that Karnage could barely fit in. Thick cables marked HIGH VOLTAGE hummed inches from his face. As they shuffled along, the Sanity Patch downgraded from Strawberry Shortcake all the way down to Citrus Blast. Karnage hadn’t realized how close he had come to blowing his own head off. So much for thinking.

They finally came out into a dimly lit maintenance room. Karnage leaned against the wall and slid down. He looked at the empty pistol in his hands and tossed it away in disgust.

“What’s up?” Sydney said.

Karnage stared at the discarded pistol lying on the floor. “It didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?”

“All of Uncle’s training. At this rate I’m still gonna blow my head off before I make any headway.”

“It didn’t work because you weren’t thinking,” Sydney said. “You were reacting. And under the circumstances, I think that was the way to go.”

Karnage ran his fingers through his hair. “I came this close to runnin’ out of Sanity Levels. I almost…” He moved to throw a punch in the air and stopped himself.

Sydney crouched down beside him and gently took his clenched fist. She uncurled his fingers and clasped his palm in her hands. She looked into his eyes. “You haven’t been doing this long enough for it to be automatic yet. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just try and focus on your long-term goals. It’s like learning to ride a bike. You’ve been able to get up a few times now, but you’re still gonna fall off now and again.”

“If I fall off much more than that then I’m gonna lose my head.”

“Then it’s a good thing there’s two of us down here, isn’t it? Why don’t you let me be the brawn for awhile, and you can play at being the brains. Okay?”

You’ve just gotta use your head. Karnage nodded. “Okay.”

Sydney playfully slapped him on the cheek and stood up. “Right, now what say we figure out where we are?”

They opened the door of the maintenance room and found themselves in a wide hall. The marble floor gleamed. Extravagant chandeliers hung from the ceiling. A giant statue stood in the centre of the room of Galt Dabney holding the hand of Dabby Tabby. Great slabs of marble jutted from the walls, an engraved plaque stamped on each.

“What is this place?” Karnage said.

Sydney looked around, her eyes wide. “I’d heard the rumours, but I never thought…”

“What?” Karnage asked. “What is it?”

She turned her eyes back to Karnage. “It’s The Vault.”

“What’s ‘The Vault’?”

“The official Dabney archives.” She eyed the slabs lining the walls. “And crypt.”

They followed the length of the hall to a set of gleaming golden doors. Galt Dabney’s face was etched into its surface. “This is it.” Sydney stroked the door in awe. “His final resting place. I wonder…” She pulled on the door.

“What are you doing?” Karnage said.

“I have to know,” she said. Her eyes gleamed. “I have to know if it’s true.”

She pulled the door open a crack and slipped inside. Her voice echoed from the other side. “They did it. I can’t believe it. They actually did it!”

“What?” Karnage said. “What did they do?”

“Come in and see.”

Karnage pushed through the door into the room. The walls were covered with shelves upon shelves of books. Circular stairways led up to long catwalks running the length of the room. Crystal chandeliers hung underneath the catwalks, casting the room in soft yellow light. The guard rails were decorated with Dabby Tabby faces constructed from wrought iron. Two arm chairs sat facing a giant screen set into a carved oak cabinet in the middle of the room. A polished glass case had been mounted on top of the cabinet.

Inside the case was the head of Galt Dabney.

“They did it,” Sydney said. “They actually went and did it.”

“Did what?” Karnage looked up at the head. “What did they do?”

The eyes of Galt Dabney opened, and the cataract-laden pupils drifted down at Karnage.

The screen below the head flickered to life, and a much healthier Galt Dabney appeared smiling on the screen.

“Hello, and welcome to the Dabney Family Archives. The geniuses at the Dabney Imagino Labs have worked their magic and given me the gift of everlasting life. Using the latest in cryopreservation technology, my mind and body will be specially preserved until such time that a cure can be found for whatever ails me. In the meantime, while I’m ‘cooling my heels,’ I will continue to lead the company with the help of this nifty little device here.”

The camera pulled out to show Galt standing beside the very oak cabinet and screen that Karnage and Sydney were now watching.

“Using this device, I’ll be able to answer any questions that you may have. Go ahead and ask me anything. I’ve created a library of pre-recorded answers that should cover the most commonly asked questions. Financial advice. Managerial tips. Old Dabney family recipes. Ask about my grandmother’s recipe for spiced peach jam: that’s a good one! And should you happen to ask a question I didn’t fully anticipate, this machine has full access to the Dabney Family Archives. That includes security footage of board meetings, company minutes, old softball games, school plays, birthday parties… why just about anything you could imagine. So go ahead. Ask me anything, and I’ll do my best to answer with true Galt style.” Galt drew an imaginary pistol. “Bam, like that.” He winked.

The screen went blank.

Karnage and Sydney looked at each other. “Is this for real?” Karnage asked.

The screen blinked back on. It showed Galt Dabney’s face in a close-up. He laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Yes, yes. I assure you it’s all very real. There is nothing I won’t be able to answer. So go ahead. Ask me anything.”

“Maybe we should ask about the peach jam,” Sydney said.

“I got a better idea.” Karnage cleared his throat. “What do you know about the squidbug invasion?”

The screen stayed blank for a second. Galt’s cheery face appeared again. “Sorry, I didn’t quite understand your question. Can you please clarify the word—” The screen switched to black and white security footage of Karnage and Sydney standing in front of the screen. They heard Karnage say, “squidbug,” and the screen switched back to Galt’s smiling face.

Sydney cleared her throat. “He means ‘aliens.’”

“Okay, that’s better. Thanks.” The screen went blank again. Galt’s face came back. He clapped his hands. “Well, that’s a real cracker, isn’t it? I’m afraid I didn’t anticipate that question. But you haven’t stumped me yet. Give me a few moments to pull from the archives, and I’ll try to answer your question as best I can.”

The screen went blank. It stayed dark for a long time. Karnage looked behind them, and saw the security camera blinking down at him. He wondered who was watching it. He wondered if the machine was just stalling them until security could arrive.