Andrea Höst: The Touchstone Trilogy

"Even though the Kalrani were away from their families, they still had a home and returned to it during holidays," Mara said. "And always there was the focus of our purpose. The school here couldn’t be more different. Harder, in a way, for us to deal with."

"It doesn’t help that they think we’re shopping," Nils said. "Or want us to be. It adds a raw edge, although also some high entertainment. Most of the Kalrani try to impress, but they don’t try to sabotage each other in the hopes of winning some secret competition to be adopted."

"There’s only a couple like that," Mara said, with a wry glance at Nils [9] I’m getting better at not picturing them having sex, but I’m always going to be aware that there’s history there. . "The Nuran household structure, full of feuds and rivalries and alliances, hasn’t quite let go of them. Those who have other household members here or in the town seem more secure and comfortable, grouping together. In some ways it helps, but it’s causing a lot of issues because some also tend to act as if they’ve inherited control over anyone who was once of their house. That group that took off to Nurenor, for instance, were almost all from three of the larger houses, and some of those of lower status were simply unable to bring themselves to disobey orders from seniors of the house. And belonging to a major household meant immediate prestige, even if you weren’t at the head of it, and so there’s children who no longer have any semblance of a house and miss it terribly, and even when they have others of their house with them, find that their house has no power here, and they’re in a culture which heavily emphasises individual merit. All this on top of losing their parents."

"And the news service is constantly providing touching adoption stories," Nils said, dryly. "Where lucky brat number 4000 catches a family’s eye and is no longer just one of many powerless orphans herded about with the mass. An immediate gain of security, prestige. The oldest ones are finding it hardest – less likely to be adopted, struggling with schooling requirements they would never have dreamed of, and facing the prospect of filtering to the bottom because no-one is going to reach out and pick them and they’ll be transitioning to being responsible for themselves soonest. And then we go and dangle ourselves in front of them – beyond you showing up and saying I need a few more , we’re probably as close to instant prestige as they can see right now."

"I don’t think I could do that," I said. "Pick, I mean. Sen adopted me, not the other way around, and I got too emotionally involved with all three of them to not keep caring. Lira was the same way – she just happened. But you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?"

I was asking Mara, who nodded. "Jeh, Ketz and Grif, too. Of course, right now we’re all in barracks, and don’t have the same push to retire, but if we can get these houses built, then between us and the school we should be able to manage it. And you’re right – the idea of picking is strangely daunting. Not so much for making a choice which will work for us, but because then there are all these children we didn’t pick. And for every atrocious creature shamelessly trying to win favour, there are a half-dozen who I would be glad to know better. And even the atrocious creatures are breaking themselves apart inside. It’s one of the big downsides to having Muina cut off from a fresh influx of settlers – KOTIS intended to have each and every minor settled with families as soon as possible, because they need that level of care. You only have to look at these four to see how much a sense of belonging does to offset the weight of trauma."

The idea of Jeh, Ketz and Grif kept me occupied for a while, and I still don’t quite know if they’re intending to set up one house together, but I can see how much Mara’s looking forward to the idea of having a home and building a family. She says she and Lohn are thinking of simply having two weddings (commitment ceremonies) to handle having lots of important people on two different planets.

I also couldn’t help but notice that Nils was very quiet the rest of the day. He and Maze, who would both be great fathers, and are both caught up in their feelings for someone who’s dead. Maze, though, seems to be at peace with where he is, while Nils is just cutting himself apart inside. I’m willing to bet Zee and Raiten are bothering him, too – they’re working together on squad coordination to give Maze more time off, and always seem to be off somewhere chatting.

Ys also went quiet in the afternoon. It’s because of going to talent school tomorrow, and she makes me want to tag along and stand over her protectively. Really, given how brave Ys was trying to help Siame and me in the lake, you’d think there’d be some kids there who would see her as more than a servant. But at least I think she’s readier to believe that Kaoren and I value all four of them, and that I have succeeded in creating the sense of belonging Mara was talking about.

Friday, November 14

Friends, Family, Home

Ys came back from school today looking immensely relieved. Mara was able to clue me in on why, since she’d been at the talent school that morning. Ys hasn’t suddenly become popular or anything, although one or two of the kids seem to have made slight overtures (which unfortunately Ys is completely disinterested in). But Lira is the focus of an immense amount of fascination. An actual Lantaren, beautiful, a second touchstone, hailed as my saviour and a brave spy who’d worked against the Cruzatch and – perhaps most importantly – with lots of syllables in her name.

I should have seen it immediately. Lira’s the first friend Ys has ever had – a rather different relationship to Sen and Rye both, who she treats in a more parental way. Lira and Ys bonded thoroughly sharing moments of scorn for me, and just get along very well. Going back to the talent school meant there would be dozens of rivals for Lira’s friendship, and the fact that Ys and Rye were just servants would almost certainly be underlined, and Ys wasn’t quite certain how Lira would react to that. Mara couldn’t give me all the details, but it was plain that Lira wasn’t terribly keen on the mass overtures, and when Mara had headed out for her shift Lira was welded to Ys' side and was glaring furiously at one particular clutch of kids.

Lira gave me an earful herself when Ys and Sen were safely in the bath (Ys still gives Sen a bath, and I suspect hasn’t realised that Lira’s probably perfectly aware of the scars on her back, after days of watching us invisibly).

Lira had said a few very rude things to Ys' greatest detractors and been lectured (no doubt very gently) by their age-group’s supervisor about good manners, and wanted to make quite clear to me that she had no intention of being nice to anyone who thought Ys and Rye didn’t belong with us. I just said: "Good for you," and told her to let me know if anybody bothered them too much.

I had a lot of fun reading the latest chapter of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to them this evening. They’re very caught up in Edmund, about whether he should be rescued or deserves his fate. Sen adores Lucy, of course, and she’s far more sympathetic toward Edmund than Ys, Lira and Rye are. Ys is monstrously impatient to know what happens next. I suspect she usually reads ahead for these night-time stories, and because it’s in English she can’t. Being all impatient does mean that she doesn’t let Sen linger in the bath a moment longer than she considers necessary. So funny.

I adore them. Kaoren and I are both finding abrupt parenthood surprisingly to our taste, and the awful tension and after-effects of the Oriath collapse is fading. We’re growing increasingly confident that we’re safe now, that the Cruzatch aren’t coming back, and the pressure tearing the spaces apart is gone. My only real downside at the moment is my complete lack of sex life. My face has only just stopped hurting enough that Kaoren’s willing to kiss me, and neither of us find it much fun when I get into an uncomfortable position at night and wake up really needing some pain medication. It’s getting better though – wonders of Taren technology and so forth.