F. Fowler - Fifty Shades of Chicken

He wants to cook me. Blades wants to cook me! And I realize, in a flash of insight, that’s exactly what I want. Maybe it’s just the beer talking or the way the chiles are making my skin tingle, but right now what I want most in all the world is to satisfy this man’s chicken cravings.

“And in return, you will surrender your body to my gastronomic virtuosity. You will be my obedient Ingredient—warm or cold, dressed or undressed, whole or in parts.” He pauses to stir my bath. “Or highly spiced.”

I’m still on the fence about this. “Why would I want to do such a thing?”

“To please my palate,” he breathes, savoring the words.

His voice is hypnotic and the bath has had its effect. I’m soft and pliant, and suddenly I feel prepared for anything he can dish out.

“And lastly, Miss Hen,” he adds firmly, “when we’re cooking, you will address me as Chef.”

“I will consider your proposal…” I cluck demurely. “Chef.”

chicken chili

SERVES 8

5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

3 pounds ground chicken, preferably a mix of dark and white meat

1 tablespoon coarse kosher salt

1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons tomato paste

2 onions, chopped

1 green bell pepper, seeded and diced

4 garlic cloves, chopped

1 serrano or jalapeño chile peppers, chopped

2 to 3 tablespoons chili powder, to taste

1 (28-ounce) can whole peeled tomatoes

1 bottle dark beer

3 cups cooked pinto beans or 2 (15-ounce) cans, drained and rinsed

½ cup chopped fresh cilantro

2½ tablespoons fresh lime juice, or to taste

Sour cream, for serving

Grated cheddar cheese, for serving

1 Heat 2 tablespoons of the oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. Add half of the chicken and brown it well all over, stirring, 5 to 7 minutes. Season the chicken with ¾ teaspoon salt and ½ teaspoon pepper. Transfer the chicken to a paper towel–lined platter. Repeat with the remaining chicken, 2 tablespoons of oil, another ¾ teaspoon salt, and the pepper.

2 Add the remaining tablespoon of oil to the pan and then stir in the tomato paste. Cook, stirring, until the paste is fragrant, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in the onions, bell pepper, garlic, and serrano or jalapeño. Cook until the vegetables are golden, about 10 minutes. Stir in the chili powder and remaining 1½ teaspoons salt; cook 1 minute. Return the chicken to the pot. Add the tomatoes, beer, beans, and 1 cup water. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer very gently until thick, about 30 minutes. Stir in the cilantro and the lime juice to taste.

3 Ladle the chili into bowls. Serve topped with sour cream and cheddar cheese.

LEARNING THE ROPES

How spicy do you like your fowl? If you want the pleasure of a seared tongue, leave the seeds in the chiles. If you prefer a milder, slower build to spicy satisfaction, you can de-seed them (use gloves or you’ll regret it later). The choice of how to enjoy this is yours.

“Trust me?” he whispers.

“Yes…” That is not entirely true, and my pulse starts to race.

“Good girl. Do you have any idea what I’m about to do to you?” he asks, caressing my raised breast with a coil of 16-ply twine. The touch of the natural filament is shockingly sensual. The deepest, darkest parts of me clench in the most delicious fashion.

“No,” I breathe.

“No, what?” he asks menacingly.

“No, Chef.”

He takes a tangerine and eases it slowly, slowly into my orifice until it’s buried in me. Oh, the fullness.

His deft fingers draw a length of twine from the coil. Adrenaline spikes through me like a carving fork.

He ties my ankles together tightly. The twine is tight but not so that it bites into my skin. I feel restrained but strangely free. An electric charge thrills dangerously up my spine.

“You have a captivating, perfect tail, Miss Hen,” he says. “How I will enjoy biting it.” Oh my.

He inserts me into the Wolf and my flesh succumbs to the rushing waves of heat. Juices flow in torrents inside me as my doneness builds, engorging me down there— and everywhere else. I have never felt so ready. So evenly, so dreamily ready.

He pulls me out of the oven.

“Hmm. You are so sweet, Miss Chicken.” He reaches over for a package of foil and rips off a sheet.

My body is responding— now . All it takes is one quick thrust of the meat thermometer, and I become all flesh and sensation, my gushing juices running utterly clear.

roasted chicken with tangerine and sage

SERVES 4

1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels

1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt

1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 tangerine, cut into quarters

1 small bunch sage leaves

Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling

1 Preheat the oven to 400°F. Season the chicken all over, including the cavity, with the salt and pepper. Thrust the tangerine and sage deep into the cavity of the chicken.

2 Move the stuffed bird, breast side up, splayed legs facing you, on a large, empty surface where you will have plenty of space for maneuvering. Take a 30-inch length of butcher’s twine and string it underneath the chicken’s back. Pull both sides of the string up over the chicken’s wings. Cross the ends of the strings over each other and give them a yank, pulling the wings tight to the body (see photo 1 ). Do not slacken or let go of the twine.

3 Now that you have tightly secured the wings, it is time to bind the body and legs. Pull the ends of the twine underneath the legs, crossing it underneath the bird, and wrap it around the ankles, binding them together. Wrap twine several times to make sure the ankles are tightly bound (see photo 2 ). Wrap the twine around the tail, pulling it tight to close up the cavity. Give the twine once last tug to make sure the bindings are secure, then knot the string. Trim any excess twine and step back to admire your handiwork.

4 Place the chicken breast side up on a rack set over a rimmed baking sheet. Drizzle with oil. Roast until the thigh juices run clear when pierced with the tip of a knife and the skin is crisp and golden, about 1 hour and 15 minutes. Let rest 20 minutes before cutting the restraints and having your way with it.

LEARNING THE ROPES

Much pleasure and satisfaction is to be had from tying up your bird. Not only does it show your chicken who’s boss, but a tight binding ensures the chicken cooks exactly how you want it—evenly, moist, and tender. It also closes off the chicken’s cavity, so the juices swelling within can’t spill out, at least not until you’re ready for them.