Dorsai - Jan

Was that a General Quarters alarm I was hearing?

"Ye-e-e-e-e-s."

"Well, I was, uh, hoping that you could, um, you know, help Kelly, too."

Nope, That wasn't a GQ alarm, that was the sound of multiple nuclear detonations. I might as well put my head between my knees now, so I can kiss my ass goodbye.

Jan could see that I really couldn't think of anything to say, so continued with "I know that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, and all that, but Kelly" – who was now openly staring at me with obvious fear of rejection in her face – "is kind of having the same problem I was.

Before I ever told her anything, I made her promise not to tell anyone about it, EVER. I told you before that she's been my best friend since we were like, five years old, and I know that I can trust her – the same way I trust you." – that last part definitely got my attention – I knew that Jan was trying to tell me that I could trust Kelly as much as I trusted her.

"Jan – and Kelly – you know that you're asking a lot from me." – Kelly's face fell; I could see in her eyes that she thought I was rejecting her – "NOT that Kelly isn't pretty – Kelly, I promise, you're definitely pretty! – but because of all the trouble that might happen. And I don't want you to think that I think I'm irresistible or anything, Jan, but what happens if Kelly decides she likes me as much as you do?"

"It's okay, Uncle Dan. I've told her how I feel about you, so you can say it – I love you."

"Fine, Trouble, we don't have to be 'careful' then?" I asked. She shook her head, and I continued "For anybody, the first person they're, uh, intimate with is always special. How are you going to feel if Kelly feels that way about me too, and wants to be with me more than just the one time?"

"I think it'll be okay. You've taught me that love is something that a person always has plenty of."

Why the hell did she have to learn that from me so damn fast?

"Fine, you think it will be okay – which tells me that you really haven't given it enough thought; otherwise, you would KNOW whether it would or not, and say so. No, don't bother trying to change it now, it's too late." I said, as she started to speak.

I continued "Have you two given any thought about just exactly how this is supposed to happen?" – looks of bafflement from both of them gave me the answer – "No? Then what am I supposed to do, and what am I supposed to think? Jan, you're the one talking, and I haven't heard a word from Kelly. How does Kelly want it to happen; I mean, does she want her and I to be alone? If so, why are you here, Jan? If she doesn't want to be alone, then that means that she and I will have an 'audience', even if it is her best friend. Should we all be naked, or would she be happier with you clothed? What does she want to happen? How much of what you and I have done does she want to learn about – does she want to learn more?

Less? Some things, but not others?"

That gave them considerable pause. I went on, speaking to Kelly "Kelly, I think you're a very pretty young lady. But you haven't said a thing to me during all of this. I don't know if you have the courage – and more importantly, honesty – to tell me what it is you want from me, and what you want me to do. I can't help you with any problems if you can't tell me what they are; just like I can't help you feel 'better' if you can't tell me what feels good, and what doesn't. That means you'll have to be able to use words that you probably haven't said to guys before, if you've said them much at all. Once you've started down this road, there's really no turning back – once something is done, it's DONE, and there's no changing it. No matter how much or how little happens, it will change you – forever – if only a little bit. You'll never be the same again, either psychologically or emotionally. Have you really thought about that?"

They were both sitting there, stunned, even though I hadn't raised my voice or used any but the calmest voice I had – no anger, no passion, nothing other than to emphasize some words.

Continuing, I said to both of them "I'm not angry or upset that you're asking me this. What I AM is disappointed that you didn't give it as much thought and consideration as you should have. Now, if and when you really think about what I just said, and have the answers to the questions I just asked, I'll be able to at least think about it, and have a reasonable basis to make a decision on."

Jan was leaking a little around the eyes – but as hard as it was, I had to ignore it.

Kelly, on the other hand, wasn't – and was finally ready to speak her mind.

"Dan, I know that I'm asking a lot of you; and if you're going to tell me 'no', then I'm at least glad to know that it's not because of my looks."

"Like I said, it definitely isn't that."

She continued, "Dan, my dad is some kind of stock market trader, and my mom is into real estate. Neither one spends much time at home, I don't have any brothers or sisters, and my folks haven't really paid much attention to me since I had my first period."

"Sounds to me like another reason for me to refuse, then – for all I know, you're just lonely, and looking for someone to pay attention to you.", I said, deliberately prodding her to see what her reaction would be.

To my surprise, she didn't take the bait, saying, "I suppose that's one way to look at it – except that there are a couple of things that you don't know. First, I still have lots of friends – none as good as Jan, but still friends, and I got used to my folks being gone most of the time a long time ago. Second, you don't know what kinds of things I do, or what kind of person I am. I mean, you don't know that I get all 'A's in school, except for those stupid classes like literature, where there aren't any real answers. Third, you don't know that if I had anyone else I could trust as much as Jan trusts you, I'd go to them – but I don't, and as much as Jan trusts you, I think I can trust you, too – for the kinds of self-respect reasons you talked about that night we had the sleepover."

Shit. My own words have come back to bite me on the ass. Traitorous bastards.

She went on, saying, "Even if my folks ever did find out about it – and I can promise, it wouldn't be from me! – I really don't think it would matter to them. The reason I say that is because one of the few times my mom and I were able to talk about this kind of stuff, she told me that as long as I didn't get pregnant or catch some disease, she wasn't going to ask me about any of it, so she could 'respect my privacy'. I think what she meant was so she didn't have to bother with me, but I could be wrong. I don't have answers to the questions about me, because I really didn't think there was any chance that you might actually consider it. I was wrong, and I AM going to finish thinking it through. And when I'm ready,*I* will be the one to ask you, not Jan – you're right about that, and I should have been the one to do the talking, even if Jan were with me." She turned and looked at Jan, and said,"Jan, you probably want to talk to him, too, so I'll go back to your room, and we can talk when you're done."

Giving me a look that told me she'd just learned something about herself, she stood, and headed toward Jan's room.

Jan was still crying a bit, and said "Uncle Dan, I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For dumping this on you like I did. I wanted Kelly to feel as good as I do when I'm with you, and I was using my heart instead of my brain, like you've tried to teach me."

"Jan, I hope that I've never given you the idea that your brain is more important than your heart; without the love and compassion and all that comes from the heart, we're not much better than machines. What I'd hoped was that you would have learned to use your heart AND your mind, together. Wanting to help Kelly came from your heart, and I'm never going to be upset with you for having a soul. Like I said, I'm just disappointed that you didn't get past the 'what' in your heart, and use your brain to solve the 'how'."