Dorsai - Jan

She smiled at my efforts, and said "There's something that I think I have to talk to you about."

"What's that?"

"Uh, it's about tonight, and what you've been doing with Sandra and Robyn."

"Is it something you want to say, or something you want to know?", I asked.

She hesitated, and answered "It's something I have to say. But it's kind of awkward, and I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying it wrong."

With that, her eyes started to tear up.

"Susan, it's okay, really. I'm a big boy, now" – a brief smile crossed her face – "and I don't hurt so easy. And you just told me it's awkward, so I know that it's something you might have to explain to me so I can understand it. I can see that it's something important to you, and I care about you, so I promise you that I'll listen to what you have to say very carefully, and not jump to any sudden decisions or anything, okay?"

She looked at me, and saw the concern I had for her, and nodded.

"So what is it that you wanted to tell me?", I asked.

She hesitated a moment, and said "While you were, uh, gone with Sandra and Robyn, the rest of us were in the den, talking about stuff. I mean, just all kinds of stuff; but when Candice or I asked, Kelly and Jan were also willing to talk to us about them, and you. And while they were talking, I realized that, as much as I thought I loved you, I don't think that I would be happy sharing you the way they do. And when I thought of that, I realized that I'm just not ready to, uh, do all of that. I mean, you're nice and kind and all of that; and I'm sure that everything they said about you being patient and gentle is true – but I'm just not ready for that, yet!" – and with that, she pretty much fell apart. Crying in deep, racking sobs, she all but collapsed in on herself, as if she was imploding.

I took her hand, holding it, and after a few seconds, she let me draw her onto my lap and into my arms, where i held her and softly stroked her back, and whispered reassurance to her, until she'd gotten herself under control again.

After a couple minutes, she indicated that she wanted to sit down again – I readily let her go, and when she left my arms, got up to get her some tissues – she was still crying and sniffling a bit. Handing them to her, I sat down again, no closer than I had been before: I wanted to make sure she knew and felt that I wasn't trying to make any moves on her.

I took her hand again, and started speaking to her, softly.

"Susan, that's okay. I understand, I really do. If you're not ready, then you're not ready – and that's the right choice for you, because YOU made it. I respect your choice, just like the others would, if they knew; and I'll honor it – I have to, because I care about you, and want to do my best for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, or bad about you, because of that. If anything, I admire you for having the courage to say that you're not ready. I'm not hurt by it, because I know I'm not so handsome that all the girls fall for me," -she smiled at that -"And I'm not upset by it because I would never, ever want you to do anything you weren't comfortable with, and happy about.

Have I ever touched you in a way that you weren't sure about?"

"No, of course not!"

"And I never will, unless you tell me it's okay, and let me because you want me to. Nobody in this house is going to try to push you into something you don't want – ever. If anything, I think every last one of us would be willing to fight to stop something like that! Shucks, I did fight once, for that very reason, remember?"

She nodded, and I went on.

"Susan, ALL of us care for you, and want the very best for you. There isn't a one of us that would do anything to hurt you. I think that if you think back and remember what Jan and Kelly had to say, you'll realize that they were saying that the choices they made, and the things they did, were right for them. And if you think about it a little bit, you'll realize that they were NOT saying that the choices they made were the only ones, or that those choices were right for everyone."

She was quiet for a couple minutes as she thought about it, and finally nodded her head before saying "Yeah, that's right."

"So there's no reason for you to cry and be unhappy, unless it just makes you feel better." She smiled again, and I continued "We're your friends here, all of us, including me, I hope – and we love you and care for you, and want the best for you. And that includes not doing or saying anything to make you think you HAD to do something you didn't want to do. Okay?"

She nodded, and when I opened my arms, willingly moved in to let me hug her in reassurance. And when she started to move back, I just as willingly let her go.

As she sat there, drying her tears, I asked her "Would you like to talk to Jan, or Kelly? Do you think they would be able to do anything to help?"

She thought for a moment, and said"Um, if Jan wanted to come in, I think I could talk to her."

"You've got it. I know she'd want to help you. I'll be back in just a second, okay?"

She nodded, and I headed into the den. Once I was there, I waited for a pause in the conversation, and asked "Jan, could I have a few minutes of your time?"

She nodded, and got up. When she got close to me, she could see the concern in my eyes, and quietly asked what was going on. I just shook my head, and led the way back into the bedroom where Susan was still sitting.

When we were inside, and I'd closed the door again, I told Jan – loudly enough for Susan to hear me – "Somehow, Susan got the idea or impression that she should, or was supposed to, make love with me."

Jan's eyes immediately went to Susan, who looked up and saw the pain and concern Jan felt for her.

I went on, telling her "I sat down with her, and explained that that simply wasn't the way things happen here, and that if she wasn't ready, then ALL of us would respect her choice, and not do anything to try to change her mind or push her into doing something she didn't want to do.

She feels better about it, now, but when I asked her, she said she thought she could talk to you."

Jan turned back to look at me, and gave me a small nod of understanding before looking back to Susan.

I turned to Susan, and told her "Unless you really WANT to have me around, I'll go ahead and leave you alone. Anything you say to Jan is between you and her – and I'm sure you know by now that she isn't going to repeat it to anyone else, even me, without your permission."

With that, I paused a moment to give Susan the chance to tell me to stay, if she wanted to. She didn't, and I made my way back to the den, closing the bedroom door behind me.

When I got there, the others noted my return with their eyes, but didn't make anything of it. As their conversation went on, I contributed to it when I thought I had something to add, but otherwise simply kept myself ready to go back to Susan, when she was ready.

About the time I finished my beer, I noticed Jan out of the corner of my eye; and when I looked at her, she indicated that she wanted me to come back with her.

When we got to the bedroom, Jan sat next to Susan, and I sat a little farther away, facing them.

Jan spoke first, saying "We had a nice talk, and got things straightened out. She understands us, now, and she's okay with it. I don't know how, but there was some misunderstanding, and Susan started worrying that she was supposed to make love with you."

Here, Susan spoke up, saying "No, there wasn't a misunderstanding. I thought I loved him more than I did, and when I heard you two talking about him, and how you share him and all that, it just kind of made me crazy. And when that happened, I realized that I didn't love him as much as I thought; and then I wasn't as sure as I thought that I was ready to make love. But I had a hard time admitting it to myself, and tried to blame you when it wasn't your fault. None of you did anything wrong; it was just me, making myself crazy. It's okay now, and I'm really sorry for getting you upset like that."