Anonymous - The Boudoir No.1

The husband on missing his horse walked home, and brought with him two neighbouring gentlemen, whom he accidentally met in his way. But these guests did not prevent the lady from prosecuting her intention. The beggar's provision was set upon the table — remnants of stale fowls, bones half picked, pieces of beef, mutton, lamb, veal, with several lumps of bread promiscuously huddled together, made a very comical appearance. Everyone presently had his eye upon this dish, and the husband, not knowing what to make of it, cried out pretty hastily, "What is this? What have we got here?"

To which the lady, with the greatest gaiety, replied, "It is a new fashioned olio, my dear! It wants no variety; I think there is a little of everything, and I hope you will eat heartily of it, as it is a dish of your own providing."

The significant smile which accompanied these last words, as well as the tone of voice in which they were spoke, making him remember where the girl had hung her wallets, threw him into a good deal of confusion, which she perceiving, ordered the dish to be taken away, and said, "I see you do not like it, my dear, therefore, when next you go to market, pray be a better caterer,"

"Forgive this," cried he, "and I promise never to go to any such market more."

The gentlemen found there was some mystery in all this, but would not be so free as to desire an explanation. When dinner was over, however, and the lady, after behaving the whole time with all the cheerfulness imaginable, had retired to leave them to their bottle, the husband made no scruple of relating to them by what means his table had been furnished with a dish of so particular a kind; at which they laughed very heartily, and would have done so much more if their admiration of the lady's wit and good humour had not almost entirely engrossed their attention.

The mode of salutation among the Turks appears to be the most natural of any! They look at the person they wish to salute, and place the hand upon the region of the heart.

In Egypt it was a custom for the master of the house in which a cat died, to shave his left eyebrow, as a token of grief.

There is not in the registers of human actions any class or adventure so abundantly productive of variety as that comprising matrimonial infidelity. The blooming virgin, though burning with natural sensation at the sight of a youth, equal in years and beauty; the blood at one moment rises to a deep crimson in her lovely cheeks, and at the next forsakes them as if forever. Though the sting of earnest desire pierces to the inmost recesses of her trembling heart, she is yet, in the general course of female delicacy, restrained from making first advances — but when a married woman once conceives what are commonly called tender emotions, they urge her to anything and everything that may produce a full and determined gratification — no matter who the object! No matter what the means! And this, except in a few rare instances, is invariably the case. The cool and philosophic enquirer would therefore be almost induced to think that what we generally call a criminal propensity, is rather a physical misfortune; and instead of exulting in the detection and punishment of connubial incontinence, weep over the frequent immolations of absolute despotic concupiscence; for which we may account in two ways: first, naturally produced by a too great quantity of blood and animal spirits; and second, by a sort of mixed cause, which is, when the moderate animal functions are irritated and set afloat by men who either neglect, or are not vigorous enough to gratify.

Let any of the male species, possessed of health and ability, with a strong natural desire of indulgence, contemplate for one moment what would be his feelings if he slept whole nights, we are much afraid we might say whole weeks, in the same bed with a woman who, either having excited his passions, would refuse him, or with a woman who, having no passions of her own, is incapable of exciting them in others.

Is it not like lying and rotting in cold oblivion? And would any, the most scrupulous champion of chastity, blame nature for seeking a more congenial association? Certainly not. Let us reverse this statement, and we must admit that it turns just as much in favour of the fair sex. Men neglect the objects of their former admiration and enjoyment, because they can with impunity have recourse to others; but if the same fear of disgrace attended such courses as does similar gratifications in women, we are apt to believe that the former thereby gratifying the latter, though in a kind of involuntary manner, would often save both from shame and perpetual solicitude.

By the initial observations we do not mean to glance the least reflection upon the gentleman whose frail associate is the principal character of our present memoir. On the contrary, it is but justice to acknowledge that he can advance no fewer than eight living arguments in favour of his connubial and dutiful attention.

He is one of three sons of a certain titled lady who are all remarkable for bearing different names, though we believe the children of the same father, and remarkable for as great a share of amiability as in genera! falls to the lot of one man.

About eleven years ago he made choice of a young lady whose name for the sake of her family we must not at present reveal, though a very little time will in all probability make it public in the regions of Doctor's Commons. Nature seemed to have been profuse to her in all its favourite endowments — mildness, delicacy, sweetness of manners, and beauty, all united to inspire admiration, and with these, in her virgin train, he led her to the altar of hymen.

Ten years they trod the flowery paths of love, of rapture, and of domestic bliss; and in the course of that period were blest with eight lovely children, in each of whom were united all the fine qualities so conspicuous in their parents. Unfortunately, however, the next produced effects which blighted all the fruits and flowers of Paradise, and left it a deserted wilderness.

Mr. M- for such is the first letter of this gentleman's name, who had ever been in the habit of giving his wife proofs of his continued tenderness, in the beginning of this year made her a present of a very beautiful horse for her own riding. It was, indeed, in every respect, in his fond imagination, worthy of so inestimable a burden, and in their frequent excursions through the country, on hill and in valley, upon the borders of the restless ocean, and on the flowery downs, seemed always conscious and proud of its mistress.

It happened sometimes that Mr. M- could not make it convenient to be of our heroine's pedestrian parties, and at her settled time of life, and with her established character, it was not at all thought indelicate to allow her an exercise of which she now became every day fonder and fonder, attended only by a single groom. In some time her rides were observed to be much longer than usual, but, except when she kept dinner waiting, the period of her absence was not observed. Her hair was frequently remarked to be much dishevelled, and on one occasion the skirt of her riding habit was perceived to be greatly crumpled and very dusty — but still such was the confidence of her fidelity, that suspicion never so much as glanced against her virtue.

John, the groom, the hero of our narrative, was a stout, dirty, vulgar, lump of a country bumpkin, about twenty years of age, with short docked hair, a ruddy complexion, and a

pair of fists as hard and ill-coloured as labour and the sunbeams could make them. In addition to this, his mental powers kept in exact unison, he could neither read nor write, nor even speak, except when repeating what he had often occasion to say to his horses, or his fellows of the manger. Yet, notwithstanding all this, such were the effects of his personal charms in the eyes of our heroine, such were the music and persuasive eloquence of his voice and conversation in her ears, that after a long struggle between virtue and desire the latter became the conqueror, and nothing short of enjoying the superior delights of his person could content her.