Anonymous: The Boudoir No.1

Not expert enough to give a direct answer to a charge of this kind, the orator used every gesticulation that fear could suggest to appease the other; and as he had previously instructed the corporation to imitate him in ail the compliments he made use of, the rage of the Persian was for some time diverted in seeing the positions of the other scrupulously followed by his attendants, though it was evident to him that in the principal they were entirely directed by the danger which he apprehended from the cymitar which the enraged Persian was waving over the head of the culprit.

This humorous equivoque endured for several minutes; but, as necessity is the mother of invention, it occurred to the trembling orator that nothing could convince the Persian that he was no apostate so much as ocular demonstration, as this would infallibly prove to him that he had not been circumcised. Accordingly, unbuttoning his doublet, he instantly produced his water conveyance! — a proof convincing enough.

But this was not all; the corporation, fearing the danger that threatened them, immediately did the same! A spectacle of this nature may more easily be imagined than described — for to have seen a number of grave magistrates and others in a situation this ludicrous, could only be done justice to by the hand of a Hogarth. It is sufficient to say that the reproach occasioned by this circumstance has become perpetual upon the place, insomuch that it is now proverbial in that part of France, to say that "If you ask a Provencal a question which he cannot answer, he will immediately show you his prick."

An old woman in Yorkshire, coming from the hayfield astride on horseback, was met by a young man on the road, who says to her, "What, Betty, got on astride?" "Ay, my lad," replies she, "it makes na matter, its as broad as its long!"

The daughter of Pythagoras used to say that the woman who goes to bed with a man must put off her modesty with her petticoat, and put it on again with the same.

Mr. Senior, a painter of York, imitated the crowing of a cock so well that a lady thus addressed him: "Mr. S., you crow so like a cock that one would think you was got by one."

"Madam," says he, "what do you think I was got by?"

Benserade had often rallied a friend for his impotency.

After some absence, his friend meeting him said, "There is an end of your raillery now, my wife brought forth a boy this morning." "Oh, Sir," said the poet, "I never doubted the ability of your wife."

It chanced, during the rapturous embraces of a wedding night, the bride unfortunately broke wind, upon which, says the ignorant husband, "Rot me, if this ain't too bad, for a bran' new utensil to crack the first time of using."

A wife, in bed with her husband, pretended to be ill at ease, and desired to lie on her husband's side; the good man, to please her, passed over her, not, however, without being somewhat detained in the transit. She had not lain long before she wished to lie in her old place again, and urging her husband to repass the road he came, "I had rather," said he to her, "go a mile and a half about."

A simple-minded country wench, in Worcestershire, I think, was lately driving a cow to be bulled, when, lo, the bull was gone astray, or absent at least. Upon this the poor girl took mightily on, and at length fell a crying, when a person who was near asked why she cried, since the bull was sure to be found again. "Aye," says the girl, "but then it may be all over with the cow — for that they are not like us Christians."

A young lady was taking an air on horseback near Bristol with her footman behind. Unluckily her horse threw her.

When she called out, "John, did you ever see the like?"

"Yes, madam," says John, "your sister has just such another backside."

Miss — , the celebrated Diana, one day fell topsy turvy in a fox chase, when a countryman immediately flew to her assistance; she asked him if he was married; he replied he was single, on which she said if he had been a married man she would have given him a crown, but as he was a bachelor, the treat was quite sufficient.

At a dinner of one of the late sessions at the Old Bailey, the Recorder, who presides there, and whose urbanity is not a little distinguishable, was pressing Judge Gould to eat some jellies, which came from Birch, the pastrycook, of CornhilL "That may be, Mr. Recorder," said Judge Gould, "but though I am much obliged to you, I don't stand in need of birch and jellies yet."

As I was walking I cannot tell how,

Nor I cannot tell whither or where,

I met with a crew of I cannot tell who,

Nor I cannot tell what they were,

But virgins I think — for they cried,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

They sung a fine song of I cannot tell what,

Nor whether in verse or in prose,

Nor knew I the meaning, although they all sat,

Even as it were under my nose;

But ever and anon they cried,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

There came in a lad, but I cannot tell whence,

With I cannot tell what in his hand, It was a live thing that had little sense,

And yet it could lustily stand;

Then louder the ladies they cried,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

Some shak'd it, some strok'd it, some kiss'd it, 'tis said It looked so lovely indeed;

All hugg'd it as honey, and none were afraid,

Because of their bodily need — And louder the ladies they cried,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

At length he did put in this pretty fine toy,

In I cannot tell where, below;

Into one of the ladies, but I cannot tell why,

Nor wherefore it should be so -

But in the mean time they all cried,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

The lad being tired began to retreat,

And hung down his head like a flower,

The ladies the more did desire the feat,

But, alas! t'was out of his power —

Then louder and louder they cry'd,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside/'

I then did return, I cannot tell how,

Nor what was in my mind;

Nor what else I heard,

I know not I vow,

Nor saw I, for Cupid is blind -

But only the ladies still cry'd,

"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

A gentleman of very ancient family and considerable estate was married to a lady of beauty, wit, virtue, and good humour; but though he knew and acknowledged the merits of his wife, yet he was a man of so depraved a taste that the most dirty creature he could pick up frequently supplied her place.

It happened when they were at their country seat that riding one morning to take the air, as was his usual custom, he met a ragged country wench, with a pair of wallets, or coarse linen bags, thrown over her shoulder. He stopped his horse, and asked what she had got there? To which she replied, with a low courtesy after the fashion, that it was broken victuals; that her mother and she had no sustenance but what they got from the charity of the cooks at great gentlemen's houses, and that she was now going home with what they had given her. "You need not be in haste, I suppose," said he.

"If you will step with me into yonder field I will give you something to buy you a new gown."

The poor girl needed not much persuasion to bring her to consent, on which he alighted from his horse, and threw the bridle over a hedge stake — the girl at the same time hung

her bags on the pummel of the saddle, to prevent their coming to any harm, she then followed the gentleman a little way out of the road.

The horse, not liking his situation, found means to get loose and ran directly home. The lady by chance was at the window when he came galloping into the courtyard. She was at first a little frightened to see him without his rider, but perceiving the bags she called to have them brought to her, and on their being so was not long at a loss to guess the meaning of this adventure. She then ordered the cook to empty the wallets, and put whatever she found in them into a clean dish, and send it up in the first course that day at dinner- which accordingly was done.