Melinda Duchamp: Fifty Shades of Alice in Wonderland

“Nothing!” the Queen retorted. “That’s the problem! Mock Turtle, I hereby accuse you of being a greedy, selfish lover, who cares not for his partner’s needs. If convicted of these charges, the penalty is…”

“Spanking?” Alice asked. She wouldn’t mind seeing the annoying little poet spanked.

“No,” the Queen declared. “Death!”

“Death?” Mock Turtle, true to his name, turned green.

“Death?” Alice repeated. “You certainly take your orgasms seriously here in Wonderland.”

“Yes, we do.”

“But he’s just a pathetic, selfish lout who doesn’t know any better,” Alice said. “Surely death is too strict a punishment.”

“The trial shall begin immediately,” said the Queen. “Off with his clothes.”

The guards stripped Mock Turtle of his wardrobe, ripping it so severely Alice couldn’t salvage any of it to wear herself. Though, quite honestly, she was beginning to really enjoy parading around naked.

“Alice, I subpoena you as the star witness.” The Queen pointed at her. “This man’s life hangs on your testimony.”

“Be merciful!” Mock Turtle begged.

Alice looked from the Queen, to Mock Turtle, and back again, wondering what she was going to do.

“To the courthouse!” the Queen commanded.

Not seeing any other choice, Alice followed the procession.

This was going to be interesting.

The trial took place in a courtroom which was like no courtroom Alice had ever seen. In fact, it looked like a New Orleans bordello, or at least what Alice imagined a New Orleans bordello would look like, as she’d never been in one. Draperies of red velvet covered windows and walls, held back with ornate chains of gold. Plush carpet stretched wall-to-wall. Members of the jury lounged on opulent chaise lounges and wavy sex chairs and contraptions involving wooden crosses and leather swings and hanging chains. It wasn’t the least bit official-looking.

But Alice didn’t mind.

Her three tea partiers were there on the chairs, acting as the jury, Alice supposed. And they seemed to be the only three members. The Hatter wore a cowboy hat this time and nothing else but a pair of western chaps that framed his burgeoning manhood. The Hare donned his usual bunny suit, though still only the top half. And Maus wore the most beautiful ring around his beautiful masculinity and nothing else.

The Duchess was there, and Pilar too, standing next to Mock Turtle. But before Alice could truly get her bearings, a curtain parted and Dick strode in and stopped front and center.

“Hear ye, hear ye, court is now in session,” Dick said. Although he was wearing a police hat and a belt with a nightstick hanging from it, he wasn’t wearing anything else, and he was very aroused. Apparently people enjoyed court more in Wonderland than they did back home. “The honorable Queen presiding. All rise.”

The Queen made the obligatory grand entrance, splendidly wrapped in a thin layer of what looked like red rubber, or latex. It was skin tight, shiny, and there were holes for her nipples and her feminine parts. She wasn’t completely shaved like Alice, but her nether hair had been artfully shaped into a heart. Alice also noticed a glint of silver, and she realized with a pleasurable shock that the Queen had earrings down there. Each of her lips was adorned with a silver ring, as was her clitoris. Alice could barely imagine what it felt like to have a ring in that most sensitive spot and how it would feel if stroked. Or licked. Or during penetration. Would a man’s soft thrusting tug against it with each stroke? When he entered her completely, would he press against the ring?

The Queen had similar, larger rings in her nipples, and they were connected with a length of chain. Seeing Her Majesty’s secret jewelry made Alice feel funny, and she had to press her hand to her loins to calm the sudden throb.

“I said, all rise,” Dick announced, scowling at Mock Turtle.

Turtle was completely naked, his ankles and wrists in cuffs. “But I am standing,” he whimpered.

The Queen rolled her eyes. “Alice? Can you make the defendant rise?”

“How so?” Alice didn’t understand.

The Queen pointed at Turtle’s manhood, which hung limp and flaccid.

“Ah,” Alice said. She approached Turtle, and reached down to stroke him. Almost immediately, he sprang to full attention and began to moan and buck.

“Bailiff!” the Queen thundered. “Secure the defendant!”

The Queen quickly pulled a red ribbon from her hair and passed it to Dick, who stormed between Alice and Turtle and quickly tied it in a large bow around the base of Turtle’s member.

“Make sure it is tight,” the Queen said. “I won’t have him leaking all over my courtroom.”

“It is tight, Your Honor.”

“Alice! Take Turtle in your mouth and make sure he cannot climax.”

Alice obediently dropped to her knees. She eyed Turtle’s protrusion dubiously. Though she’d never seen Lewis’s this closely, or for this long, it seemed awfully similar to her boyfriend’s. Not entirely trusting the bow, Alice slowly brought Turtle to her lips and sucked hard, cupping his balls in her hand and gently tugging them, expecting the hot spurt any second.

Turtle moaned and shook and thrashed his head back and forth in apparent ecstasy.

But he didn’t come.

“The defendant is secure,” Dick said.

“Alice, you may release him. But first, give his nipples a twist.”

Alice wasn’t sure why the Queen wanted her to do that, but with Turtle still between her lips, she raised her hands and tweaked his nipples. His whole body seemed to tremble, and he cried out as if lovesick.

This was easily the most fun trial Alice had ever been to.

She released him and took her place on a chair next to the Queen’s bench. The court reporter, Cheshire, sat nearby, with one of those tiny typewriters on the desktop in front of him. His hands weren’t poised on the keys, however, but busy in his lap.

“Very good,” said the Queen. “Now the prosecution can begin. Your opening statement?”

“Yes, your honor.” The Duchess stepped forward. A leather corset wrapped her waist, from the bottom of her naked breasts to the garters framing her woman’s mound. Stockings like Alice’s covered her legs and on her feet were a pair of leopard high heels. “Mock turtle is charged with being a greedy, selfish lover, who cares not for his partner’s needs.”

“Call your first witness,” the Queen said to the Duchess.

“I call Alice.”

Alice walked to where Dick was standing.

“I need to swear you in,” said Dick. “Put your hand on my cock, please.”

This seemed strange to Alice, but since everything was strange in Wonderland, she was getting used to going with the flow. She placed her palm on Dick’s protruding member.

His eyes rolled back a little in his head, and his hips began to thrust, rubbing his velvet head against her hand.

After a dozen strokes, Alice spoke up. “What about the swearing?”

Dick blinked. “I would never swear at you, Alice. You’re so beautiful and sweet.”

“I didn’t mean the cursing kind of swearing.”

“Okay. Now could you wrap your fingers around me a bit tighter? Maybe lick your hand first and get it nice and wet?”

Now Alice was confused. “But you’re the bailiff. Don’t you have to make me promise to tell the truth?”

“Oh, of course. But I would never swear you in on my cock. I use a bible for that.”

Alice thought that maybe she should feel put out, but she liked the feel of Dick’s cock, so she gave him a few more strokes before insisting he pull out a bible and properly swear her in. And through all of this, the queen and the lawyers and the jury and especially the court reporter watched. Although as far as Alice knew, Cheshire didn’t record a single word, since every time she looked his way, he was diligently abusing himself.