Tristan Taormino: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

If you are using your fingers or a sex toy for penetration and make sure to use a new glove or condom each time, using a lubricant without nonoxynol-9 is pretty safe. If, however, your partner is a man and you want him to penetrate you with his penis, I recommend using a condom and plenty of lube and having your partner withdraw before ejaculation. That way, if the condom breaks or leaks and you don’t have nonoxynol-9 as a backup, semen (which could be infected) will be outside your body instead of inside your delicate rectum. [24] 9. Paul Harding Douglas and Laura Pinsky, The Essential AIDS Fact Book (New York: Pocket Books, 1996), 28. The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality offers another tip:

Nonoxynol-9 lubricated condoms have only been tested for vaginal intercourse. Accordingly, some using them for anal intercourse may wish to put the condom on then wipe off the outside so as to have added protection on the inside of the condom without using it on anal tissue.[25] 10. Mcl Ivenna, Complete Guide to Safer Sex , 84. This tip assumes that the condom is lubricated on both the inside and the outside.

Unless you are monogamous or fluid-bonded, your male partner should always wear a condom for penis-anus penetration. (Read more about latex, lube, and safer sex in chapter 4).

A note about having anal sex while you are pregnant. Dr. Ruth Westheimer points out that some men think that having vaginal intercourse during pregnancy will somehow hurt the baby, so they suggest anal intercourse. [26] 11. Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Sex for Dummies’ (Braintree, MA: IDG Books Worldwide, 1995), 182. It is safe to have anal sex if you are pregnant, although some women find that they cannot get in a comfortable position for anal stimulation. Pregnant women should also be extra careful to prevent the spread of bacteria from the anus and rectum to the vagina, since vaginal infections during pregnancy can be both harder to treat and more serious.

In addition to taking care of our bodies in preparation for and during anal sex, we also have to take care of other aspects of ourselves. Our emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being play a major role in our erotic experiences, and our experiences of anal sexuality are no exception.

The most important thing, the single most important thing when you’re talking about wanting to progress forward with any kind of anal erotic play is desire. You must, must do this because you want to do it. [27] 1. Nina Hartley, Nina Hartley’s Guide to Anal Sex (Adam and Eve Productions, 1994). This video is available at many adult video and sex toy stores and through mail-order catalogs. See the resource section at the end of the book for more information.

In her positive and sexy video about anal eroticism, sex educator/porn star Nina Hartley makes this important point from the beginning: you’ve got to want it. There really is no faking it in anal sex. Your body, mind, and psyche all must be in agreement that you want to have anal sex. Don’t have anal sex because you think it’s what your partner wants. Or because your partner is pressuring you to do it. Or because you’re afraid that you won’t be a desirable lover if you don’t do it. Take responsibility for your erotic likes and dislikes—figure out what they are and then communicate them to your partner.

No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get flecked in the ass.

I really like receiving, and wish I could assure my partner that if we’re doing it right, it won’t hurt, and that it’ll feel good. Also, my current partner is very worried about fecal matter, so I wish I had some way of addressing that.

Communication is a key component before, during, and after anal sex. It’s a good idea to talk to your partner about anal eroticism, sharing your desires and fantasies as well as your fears, before you go knocking on that back door. In fact, I think it’s best if you discuss it with your partner in a nonsexual setting, rather than right before you’re about to delve into anal erotic play. When bringing up the subject, you might test the waters in a playful, positive way; see what your partner thinks about the subject in general, then about you doing it in particular.

The hotel had been closed for months and we broke in to fuck. He was a big guy, hairy, not my type at all. But the way he handled me was magnificent. And he asked permission to fuck my ass. Good sexual manners go a long way with me.

The ass is a gift. When a woman kneels with her ass in the air, head well down, she feels erotic dread grow in the pit of her stomach and spread through her loins. She can want for this and fear it. In my anticipation of the entry thrust, my heart beats faster, the walls of my vagina swell. It’s all up to him. How will he take me?

People have a lot of fears and negative feelings about anal eroticism. Some of these feelings stem from our society’s myths and taboos about anal sex. Myths about anal sex being unnatural, perverted, dirty, painful, and dangerous have become very real fears in people’s minds. It is important to realize that we are all made aware of the anal taboo and myths starting in childhood and therefore we are all affected in some way by them.

AS THE RECEPTIVE PARTNER, WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?

My lover will think I’m weird for wanting to do it. It will be too tight for his penis to fit.

I’ll get hemorrhoids.

It will be messy, and my butt will smell bad.

I’ll get constipated or have diarrhea.

It will hurt, something will get ruptured.

It won’t feel good—I won’t like it.

1 won’t be able to take her dildo.

I’ll get an STD or another disease.

AS THE INSERTIVE PARTNER, WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?

I’ll hurt my partner or make her bleed.

It will be dirty, and get shit on me.

I won’t do it right.

I won’t like it.

My lover will think I’m weird for wanting to do it.

I’ll get an STD or another disease.

My boyfriend is worried that people will think he’s gay.

While most of these fears have their roots in myths and misconceptions about anal sex, it is important to respect and validate your partner when she or he shares her or his fears. Talk with your partner about fears you both have, and review the chapter on myths, dispelling the misinformation and replacing it with correct information. Reassure each other that either one of you can stop activity at any time and be fully supported by the other one. Set concrete ground rules and boundaries about what is okay and what isn’t; as experiences progress, the boundaries can change if needed. Each person needs to know that she or he will be safe from both pain and disease during anal sex and that there is mutual trust and respect.

Fear and tension that are not articulated and resolved will ultimately be felt in your anus, which will be tense and unwilling. Nina Hartley reminds us, “Of all the parts of your body, nothing knows a liar like your anus. So if your mind is saying ‘Yes! Yes!’ and your heart is saying ‘No! No!’ your anus will always listen to your heart.” [29] 2. Bakos, Kink, Hartley, Guide to Anal Sex .