Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

It’s common for the appearance of bruises to travel. Your breast may turn all sorts of rainbow colors but you are sure that only your pecs were punched. Generally this is not a problem and the bruises will fade. Using the herb arnica—available at most drugstores in a cream or gel or as an edible herb in pill form at health food stores—can help reduce the occurrence or persistence of bruising. You can take it before or after you play. If heavy impact is a big part of your scene, you might feel the next day as though you were hit by a Mack truck, or exhibit flu symptoms. Drink lots of water and keep an eye on the swelling.

He opened the door, shoved his way in, and pinned me by my throat against the smooth wall of the hallway. He kissed me so hard I thought he would bruise my mouth. I don’t even know what happened, but he made his mouth a seal that enveloped mine and then he held my nose closed with his other hand. That fear that makes me so crazy slipped over me and I could feel myself weaken in his grip. He decided when it was time for me to breathe—to take air; he let the seal between our lips loosen for only a moment and then owned my breath all over again. God, I loved it.

Controlling someone’s breath with your hand or mouth (breath play) is very intimate and can be dangerous and scary as well. One way to do it is described above. Here are a few variations:

• Kiss your partner, making a seal over both mouth and nose. Breathe rhythmically. Soon you are each breathing the other’s inhalations and exhalations.

• Place one hand over your partner’s mouth and pinch her nostrils closed.

• Bite and suck with your mouth, play with his nipples and breasts with your free hand. Release the nostrils when it’s time for him to breathe.

Breath play is quite prevalent in porn, and many people equate choking or strangulation with rough sex. But I’m going to tell you right now, there is no way to choke someone without huge risk of injury or possible death. There is abundant documentation of heart attacks, brain damage, seizures, and crushed larynxes—all these effects and more have been clearly linked to choking, strangulation, and other forms of controlling your own or another’s breathing.

But since telling kids that abstinence is the best birth control hasn’t done squat to reduce teenage pregnancy, let me tell you how to choke someone in a safer way. Notice that I don’t say “safe”? There is no way to guarantee safety, folks—none.

Many people find choking during oral sex, intercourse, or kissing a huge turn-on. It heightens sensations, causes head rushes, and enhances the feeling of taking and being taken. One way to create the now-I’m-forced-and-helpless feeling of choking without choking is to wrap your hand around your partner’s throat without any pressure while you’re fucking. Although your hand may cover the larynx, do not press against it—it’s far too fragile and can be crushed by too much pressure. Once again, as in spanking and face slapping, being ever aware of the placement, strength, and pressure of your hands is vital. Place your thumb and forefinger on either side of the throat under the jaw, back toward the ears. Press into the throat and up toward the ears and squeeze your fingers against the carotid arteries, reducing blood flow to the brain.

Pressing (not slamming) your partner’s head into a pillow or against the wall gives you more leverage—but might make him pass out. Everyone’s body has a shutoff valve to protect itself, but because each person’s threshold is different, there is no way to know when someone might pass out. Passing out is enormously dangerous: there’s no way to recover those brain cells that were killed, and he could have a heart attack or a stroke. If you see his eyes rolling back in his head, stop. Learn everything you can about breath play before you try it on anyone. I recommend you attend a class at a BDSM event taught by a reputable teacher.

When you play rough, your body can get marked up. You can have surface or deep bruising, redness of the skin, scrapes, and even internal bruising (cervix, pelvic bone, inside of mouth). Always check in with your partner before doing something that might leave a mark. And remember that everyone’s skin is different—some people bruise, mark, and scar more easily than others. I remember, the first time I played rough with a lover, I was careful about how I slapped her face, but bam! She got a black eye. I felt pretty rotten, but my lover thought it looked tough. Lucky for me, tough was good. Another time, I thought I kneed my partner with careful force between his butt cheeks as he stood, but I was wrong. He had to go to several extra chiropractic visits for a bruised coccyx (tailbone). Experience and consent were present in both situations, and, well, shit happens.

The emotional risks of this kind of sex play are even more unpredictable. Depending on one’s history of abuse or trauma, sex in general can bring up big emotions—often taking us by surprise. Many people report weeping at or immediately following orgasm. This doesn’t mean something horrible happened—just a huge swell of emotions that came unplugged with the release of tension and chemicals in the muscles and brain. Bring in power play, primal responses, physical roughness—regardless of consent being clearly given—and the stakes get higher, the possible responses bigger. Trusting your partner is key. If you know you might respond negatively to a particular activity, warn your partner away from doing it, or tell her what might happen and what she should do in response. One more great reason to have a safeword or gesture.

• Missionary never felt so good. He’s fucking you hard as you lie on your back: you pound on his back with your fists.

• You’re sitting on top straddling your lover: punch the pecs (avoid breasts and sternum).

• While spanking him, throw in a few punches—the thudding sensation is a perfect counterbalance to the sting of the slap.

• Restrain by rope, pallet wrap, or leather restraints. (When someone is retrained, he is unable to move with the punch and therefore absorbs the full power behind it—accommodate as needed.)

• Try it on the floor, in a chair, or standing against a wall in a hall, alley, bathroom, hotel room, pool.

• Try it with your partner’s legs spread/tied open—fuck her cunt while you punch her chest.

• Bend him over a couch or bed—fuck his ass, punch his back, ass, and upper thighs.

• Remember, punching is one more thrilling ingredient to make your sex a magnificent feast.

Even after many years of understanding and coming to terms with my childhood abuse, I still have unexpected responses during sex; sometimes I get scared and lose track of where I am or who I’m with. Moreover, because my abuse started preverbally, I sometimes lose the ability to speak my needs in these moments. Being aware of this and telling my lovers about it when we’re talking about our desires and needs allows us to establish supportive strategies if something comes up. Taking care of myself sets another brick into the foundation of trust and safety we build. Couple that with articulated desire and consent? Stand back for Richter-scale sex.

Sex is about the journey, not the arrival. It’s a verb, not a noun. It requires bravery and compassion for yourself and your lover. Remember that laughing can save a far too serious scene or sex that’s threatening to become boring. If something is funny—you can’t walk with those new 10-inch stilettos you just got, or the phone rings in the middle of the deserted-island fantasy you both created—laugh. Just make sure you’re laughing with your partner, please.